Offcuts from the Story Kettle

updated on 2017-10-21

bits and pieces, miscellaneous, excerpts, odds and ends, pictures, jumble, all sorts, scraps, this and that, odds and sods, words, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, tips and recipes


“I don't need a name for you. I know who you are. You are the you who goes to sleep with your arm inside my rib cage clutching my heart. How could I not know who you are.”

The Guardian on Brexit: if Britain were truly to walk out with no accord at all, planes would be grounded, and customs paperwork would increase fivefold – instantly leading to endless queues and gridlocked roads at the ports, and fresh produce rotting on the Dover dockside. Prices would rocket, supply chains would collapse, and everyone would be worse off. It's worth studying the detail: it's all bad.

He licked all thirteen of his fingers.
He knew what he wanted.

little ugly schoolgirl

How do you know in a bag of jelly babies who is illegitimate?
Hold the bag upside-down and all the bastards fall out.

Click or tap on  next story>  at the bottom right of most pages to read the next story.

Next week: Toothbrushes – How to locate and clean the right orifice. And don't miss our cut-out-and-keep guide to wiping your behind without ruining the curtains.

You are so scatological !

I used to sit in the hall window and
watch the buses on the London Road.
The red buses went to Reading,
but the green buses went to Aldershot.

Lying on the beach is as interesting as lying in a flowerbed at home.

They lived at Camwood Lodge.

They looked like 4-year-olds, but were 4 metres tall. They walked around the town knocking everybody down. One pissed on a policeman and drowned him. They walked on further.

If your parents had no children, there's a good chance that you won't either.

About three hours later the front door opened with a crash, the clothes stand went flying, the bookcase that Henni had made with bricks and planks was reduced to rubble and with a big WHUMP Betty landed on the floor. She could see light from under a door, she crawled into the room and looked sheepishly at Henni and Chris.
“Wonderful entrance you've just made, Betty, you look like what the cat just brought in.” Continue reading...

He stood there with a replacement large intestine and anus draped over his arm.

What does a windbreak not do?

No trains at Evercreech Junction.

Elizabeth was sort of soft, but also quite lumpy, as if she had eaten many cans of corned beef, but without opening the cans... Continue reading...

1 January 1970 – The age of majority for most legal purposes was reduced from 21 to 18 under terms of the Family Law Reform Act 1969.

She was the only one to win against the punch bag, she had smashed it across the room against the wall and had ruined it. No one had done that... Continue reading...

Big Tone's omelette  recipe

I'm outside, the wind is coming into my face. It's not burning right, what shall I do, what shall I do? The wind comes from all sides, the music is too loud, what shall I do?

Das Leben in Düngdorf stinkt.

how not to €uro 4

Getting married this spring?
Then, don't forget on your wedding gift list
TWO milk jugs
cus they're the first to break.

She didn't want candles, cuz they could set light to her hair.

hot cross buns and my hot cross buns  recipe

She's a very naughty girl. She's into disappearing and reappearing. She especially likes hitting the Vicar, but she does not like being shouted at or being hit with a cane, she just wants to disappear and be somewhere... Continue reading...

Coming up soon in your country (in reverse Polish notation):
Gun! Foot! Shoot! Foot! Shoot!

One of the policemen was wearing a cherry tree tied to his back. It was in flower – pretty pink blossoms. Every time he moved about it rained pink petals on his head and shoulders.

Mad Person

Black Hearts  recipe

Chop your own wood – it will warm you twice.

It was the third day of the honeymoon and Betty was teaching the two of them the plumber's doorstop. It is not a very enjoyable position, you need to be very fit, but it's good for making babies. Betty was happy, the two were making progress.

Wayback Machine to explore more than 279 billion web pages saved over time

Yes, I've written about you. You who read my stories. And who I think you are, but hopefully not who I want you to be. Many websites have an ABOUT US link, but not many ABOUT YOU!

Do you wash potatoes in your washing machine?

I squeezed it and out came all this pus.

Battered babies may be served with chips.

Ich habe Seetang in meinem rechten Auge.

pictures

Panierte Kinder dürfen nicht serviert werden.

offcuts

Put food in your mouth from time to time.

Could do, but won't.

Mal passant, no dogs.

Hattie ist Katies Schwester. Ich mag Hattie.
Hattie sagt, ich bin süß. Ich mag Katie.
Hattie sagt, dass sie komische Ideen hat. Ich denke Hattie ist... Weiter lesen...  Deutch

It was Colonel Mustard in the library with a can of peaches.

If you don't know the difference between viscous and vicious you may come to a sticky end.

The greenies have taken over the island, there are not many humans left. Jim Power has been sent to contact a group of survivors, if he can find any. He has a companion, a satellite telephone, some lead-barium pellets, a gun and something very... Continue reading...

Who the hell are you?
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present.
But it's August.
I have come to warn you...
that there will be no Christmas in August.
How did you know that?

spandrels and architraves

Robert is your father's brother.

about numbers

Schon deinen Freunden vom StoryKettle.com erzählt?

time zones

A toddler in a 70-year-old body is an ugly thing.

Does your best friend know that you read StoryKettle.com ?
You'll have to tell her, you know.

Did you see Xmas biscuits in Lidl at the start of September?
I saw a left-over chocolate Father Xmas next to the Easter eggs in Aldi last January.

Mum's songs

Read   RenésatelliteSandhurstonionno boysEndabrickboilkickunsaidFaygirl in whitetooD&Cof corpsesword and balloon

Your vacuum cleaner sucks.

All the multi-part stories are at good read;
use the site map to find everything on this website.

Daffodils are honest.
Tulips are insincere.
Dahlias are lurid.

Now is the time to tell all your friends, all the people you know and
of course all your enemies about   StoryKettle.com   your favourite story website.

Who regularly incites political violence and is a serial liar, rampant xenophobe, racist, misogynist and birther who has repeatedly pledged to ban all Muslims – 1.6 billion members of an entire religion – from entering the U.S.

Perhaps I had eaten a policeman on the way home.

German stories

It's better than a kick in the head with a pointed stick.

You would think that this would drive any normal person crazy, but he was not normal and had always been crazy.

and

Do you want to print this?
BIRTHDAY CALENDAR

Read B  gets kicked and Torkle and bottom and kettle and brick and Toby and Curate

Now is the time to tell all your friends, all the people you know and of course all your enemies about StoryKettle.com your favourite story website.
Offcuts is a large collection of bits and pieces, miscellaneous, odds and ends, jumble, all sorts, this and that, odds and sods, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, excerpts and words and pictures and tips and recipes. Some are even stories, most are what Big Tone would call “Pieces Of Nonsense”. Try offcuts for the newest offcuts and index of titles and links and top ten links.

in and around the Story Kettle and in 2012-2015 and in 2009-2011 and in 2007-2008

list of all stories

This site is all about stories, it's full of stories.
Just click on a title and read a story.
There are lots of stories here.
Click on more titles and read more stories.

new offcuts and list of all offcuts   D-J   K-Q   R-Z   and offcuts 2016 and 2015 and 2014