Offcuts from the Story Kettle

updated on 2020-01-25

bits and pieces, miscellaneous, excerpts, odds and ends, pictures, jumble, all sorts, scraps, this and that, odds and sods, words, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, tips, recipes, stories at random and COLLECTIONS

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Do your friends know that you read ?
You'll have to tell them all, you know. Why do you do it ?

Schon deinen Freunden vom erzählt?

the truth about men

A lady does not make herself pretty, she makes herself prettier.

Are toroids tort?

Molten glass conducts electricity.

Oh Painted Knife!

I don't hurt other people's feelings by telling them the truth.

Vlotho is in North Rhine-Westphalia.

In which drawer does she keep her drawers.

Do you keep your drawers in drawers?

He had two noses, each with one nostril.

I know where my desires will take me.

What does the butler do?
He looks after the butts in the buttery.

1-2-3-4 Take the lady by the paw!
5-6-7-8 Kick the dog and don't be late!

Ministry of Funin townCarol and BettyBetty's Bunsbrave bidet


If I was his mum I'd be enquiring about post natal abortions.

Betty is an old favourite, she has starred in eighty of my stories and now she meets the cat...   Continue reading...

A friend of mine once worked on a software project for the Chilean Navy and filled the messages area of the hard disk (a five Megabyte drive the size of a refrigerator) with the text Felices Pascuas. Apparently when the software screwed up it would print the two words on the console teleprinter. It does not mean what you think it means.

About me and about you and privacy and excerpts

Camberley is next to Frimley and part of Hastings.
Search "Hastings Camberley" to discover the awful truth about Camberley. And Frimley.


tinkel, tankel, tonkel
ich hab' einen Onkel
tinkelt, tankelt, tonkelt
er hat meine Tant' gebonkelt

I'm a little teapot
Short and stout
Tip me over
and pour me out!

I don't need a name for you. I know who you are. You are the one who goes to sleep with your arm inside my rib cage clutching my heart. How could I not know who you are.

One of the policemen was wearing a cherry tree tied to his back. It was in flower – pretty pink blossoms. Every time he moved about it rained pink petals on his head and shoulders.

Do you wash potatoes in your washing machine?

Did you see Xmas biscuits in Lidl at the start of September?
I saw a left-over chocolate Father Xmas next to the Easter eggs in Aldi last January.

Mum's songs

Perhaps I had eaten a policeman on the way home.

German stories

list of all stories

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