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a collection of old jokes, bad yokes and sick folks
I say, I say, my dog is an ironmonger.
Yes, every time I kick the dog he makes a bolt for the door.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To reach the other side.
What holds up the telephone wires in Poland?
It's all over the house.
If your parents had no children the chances are that you won't either.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's a little lighter.
I say, I say, my dog has no nose.
How does it smell?
The cure for water on the brain, is a tap on the knee.
Doctor, doctor, I'm suffering from acne.
Then move to Walthamstow.
What goes "ha ha bonk"?
A man laughing his head off.
Who was that lady that I saw you with last night?
That was no lady.
That was my wife.
It was her birthday and he said:
There's a jaguar in the garage for you.
She went down to the garage and the jaguar bit her head off.
Our microwave oven is too small,
the department leader does not fit in at all!
Why did the washing machine laugh?
Because it was taking the piss out of your pants!
necrophilia = deadly boring
paedophilia = childishly boring
incest = a game all the family can play except mummy and daddy
What's red and lies in the gutter? A dead bus.
What's red and lies in the corner?
A baby with a plastic bag over its head.
I don't like my sister.
Well, put her on the edge of your plate.
Mummy, Mummy, why am I going round in circles?
Shut up! Or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
Three lawyers up to their necks in quicksand –
what's the problem?
Not enough quicksand.
What's the difference between Mrs Thatcher and a bucket of excrement?
TIP: you can insert the name of your nemesis into these jokes.
Following a climate crisis meeting there are 5 world leaders on a plane that is crashing to the ground but there are only 4 parachutes for President Macron, President Putin, President Trump, the Dalai Lama and the 17 year old Greta Thunberg.
President Macron grabs a chute and jumps off the plane shouting “Viva la France!” President Putin does the same saying “I need to be re-elected until 2036 to lead the Russians”. President Trump says “I’m a genius, the smartest man in America and I am destined to save the USA”, grabs a chute and jumps off the plane.
The Dalai Lama turns to Greta and says “You have your whole life in front of you and a mission to save the planet, you take the last parachute.” Greta says “No need, there are 2 parachutes left, Trump took my school bag.”
How many times have I heard that one – different celebs every time.
I wanted to revenge myself for her attack on me the previous day. When she had her back turned to me, I pushed her flat onto the carpet and knelt on her back. She couldn't move and I dug my fingers and teeth into her – I had my fun. Oh, was she annoyed “You are an awful girl. You are plain evil. Even I have never done that to another person. And I thought that you were such a nice, pretty little girl, as good as gold. But oh no, you are a perverted monster. You are a vicious, evil witch”. “Oh!” I said innocently “Didn't you like it?” “You ask me if I liked it after I just called you an evil, retched, callous, violent devil of a girl? I course I liked it. Do it again!” At last I thought, an adult who really understands me.
Jaguars, leopards, lions and tigers can roar.
Lynx, pumas, cougars, cheetahs and cats can purr.
They can all meow.
Your heart is crying loudly
Your voice is breaking clear
You need not take this road
1-2-3 Cut off your knee!
4-5-6 Decapitate your ex!
The recording head on the wire recorder goes up and down.
I need someone in my life and it's got to be you.
It was music that grabbed your heart from behind and wrenched it this way and that way and some other way too.
I can run rings around your tori.
A lady does not make herself pretty, she makes herself prettier.
Are toroids tort?
Molten glass conducts electricity.
Oh Painted Knife!
I don't hurt other people's feelings by telling them the truth.
Vlotho is in North Rhine-Westphalia.
In which drawer does she keep her drawers.
Do you keep your drawers in drawers?
He had two noses, each with one nostril.
I know where my desires will take me.
What does the butler do?
He looks after the butts in the buttery.
1-2-3-4 Take the lady by the paw!
5-6-7-8 Kick the dog and don't be late!
If I was his mum I'd be enquiring about post natal abortions.
A friend of mine once worked on a software project for the Chilean Navy and filled the messages area of the hard disk (a five Megabyte drive the size of a refrigerator) with the text Felices Pascuas. Apparently when the software screwed up it would print the two words on the console teleprinter. It does not mean what you think it means.
is next to Frimley and part of Hastings.
Search "Hastings Camberley" to discover the awful truth about Camberley. And Frimley.
I'm a little teapot
Short and stout
Tip me over
and pour me out!
I don't need a name for you. I know who you are. You are the one who goes to sleep with your arm inside my rib cage clutching my heart. How could I not know who you are.
One of the policemen was wearing a cherry tree tied to his back. It was in flower – pretty pink blossoms. Every time he moved about it rained pink petals on his head and shoulders.
Do you wash potatoes in your washing machine?
Did you see Xmas biscuits in Lidl at the start of September?
I saw a left-over chocolate Father Xmas next to the Easter eggs in Aldi last January.
Perhaps I had eaten a policeman on the way home.
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