Offcuts 2016 from the Story Kettle

Offcuts archive for year 2016

bits and pieces, miscellaneous, excerpts, odds and ends, pictures, jumble, all sorts, scraps, this and that, odds and sods, words, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, tips and recipes

random     offcuts     pictures     how not to

Do your friends know that you read ?
You'll have to tell them all, you know. Why do you do it ?

About me and about you and privacy and excerpts

Who the hell are you?
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present.
But it's August.
I have come to warn you...
that there will be no Christmas in August.
How did you know that?

A Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year

Rousseau: To be sane in a world of madmen is in itself a kind of madness.

Two young men threatened us with knives, a mugging. One picked up Betty “Yer money or the kid gets it!” It was terrible, there was nothing I could do to save him. Betty drove both her elbows into his chest. He let go of his knife, Betty and everything. Betty had broken his heart. The other guy lunged with a knife towards Betty, he looked into her eyes and turned to escape. Too late, Betty punched him in the back, he folded like a Swiss Army knife, but backwards. Betty had broken his spine.

spandrels and architraves

Philip Henry Sheridan: If I owned Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell.

Thomas Rainsborough: The poorest he in England hath a life to live as the greatest he.

And there was Mrs Manneater. This person was enormous. It was obvious that this person could eat women or men or both at the same time. Was she big! Sonja was fascinated. There are big women, there are women with room for pots of geraniums on their hips, there are women with room for pots all round. Mrs Manneater had room for two rows of geraniums all round twice.

They put me in the bath. They scrubbed me. They poured water over me. The water was dirty, very filthy. They scrubbed me. They poured water over me. The water was less dirty, less filthy.

Thar's notting like a good bit'o filth.

Robert is your father's brother.

He glued his thumbs onto his forehead and armed his head.

How do you ginger-up a horse?
Peel a pear-shaped piece of raw ginger root
and stick it up...

Ich bin einmal nach Glückstadt gegangen,
um Scholle Matjes satt zu essen.

Buskerway Eccles was his name.

about numbers

Schon deinen Freunden vom erzählt?

time zones

A toddler in a 70-year-old body is an ugly thing.

Sie ist doof, Sau doof! Du würdest auch so denken, wenn du sie anguckst. Aber es stimmt nicht.
Sie spricht kaum, nur eine gebrochene Sprache, sie schreibt auch, aber die gleiche gebrochene Sprache.   Weiter lesen...

Mark Twain said it best: "Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel."

Joan was into basic instincts – eating and drinking – later alcohol and sex. She did what her guts told her to do, what did she need a head for? What use brains? She never said much, she poured food and drink straight down her throat. Did she need a head for... Continue reading...

Roly-poly, pudding and pie, kiss the girls and say goodbye.

He keeps his cards so close to his chest,
even he doesn't know what cards he holds.

pig n' beans  recipe

Does your best friend know that you read ?
You'll have to tell her, you know.

Alexander von Humboldt:
There is no worldview so dangerous as the worldview of those who have not viewed the world.

Did you see Xmas biscuits in Lidl at the start of September?
I saw a left-over chocolate Father Xmas next to the Easter eggs in Aldi last January.

Nottingham did not have a stall, he was free to go where he wished. Most evenings he wandered along the side of the canal to The Flask, he didn't go inside, it was too narrow, plenty of room in the beer garden. On the wall above the tap was... Continue reading...


Send this link to everybody you know and everyone else

Mum's songs

Der Unterschied zwischen Komma und Koma
ist nur ein Buchstabe.

Maroombal was his name.


Read   RenésatelliteSandhurstonionno boysEndabrickboilkickunsaidFaygirl in whitetooD&Cof corpsesword and balloon

Your vacuum cleaner sucks.

What I used is forty-two two-and-a-halves.

My name is Sash Cramp, at your service.

Remarried couples should abstain from sex, Philadelphia Catholic church says.

Gehen Sie fort, und multiplizieren Sie sich!  =  Foxtrot Oscar!

Mum's recipes


Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
Lives in a garden shed;
And when the boys came out to play,
Mary, Mary shed the shed.

Hôtel Normandy

She was a completely different shape, she had body parts that I had not seen before: short legs, a really large behind, a Christmas-tree back, pendulous mammary mountains and various love-handles.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
Lives in a garden shed.

Time to tell all the people you know about   your favourite story website.

verschlimmbessern  =  to improve for the worse

Are those flowers horse-drawn?
No, my horse prefers painting.

Most of the stories have more than 140 characters.

Does your Mum know that you read ?

At the end of a list of required tools:
however the most important tool is (not what's between your legs, but what's) between your ears.

“These video clips show greenies gobbling live power cables, can you imagine over 100,000 volts; and here in a nuclear reactor.
‘Them rods / Them rods / Demmm...fuel rods / Now eat dat uranium down!’
These greenies are weird.”

Rain, rain, go away! Come again another day!

All the multi-part stories are at good read;
use the site map to find everything on this website.

The store was full of football this and football that, mostly T-shirts and hats, but also facepaint in the three national colours. I just wanted some decent underpants to stick on my bot. But no, could I find any. No, not no way.

All the multi-part stories are at good read; use the site map to find everything on this website.

Aber jede Woche kam ein Buttermann, Ines kaufte nie Butter. Aber diese Woche gibt es Butter aus Indien, Yakbutter, Büffelbutter, und fünf Sorten Kräuterbutter.



Als Nächstes besteuern sie die Luft zum Atmen.

Daffodils are honest.
Tulips are insincere.
Dahlias are lurid.

Må sennep gå med dig.
May the mustard go with you.

Now is the time to tell all your friends, all the people you know and
of course all your enemies about   your favourite story website.

Stanley Feldman: Which is more important for a child to have: independence or respect for elders? Obedience or self-reliance? A tendency to be considerate or well-behaved? Curiosity or good manners?

Müssen Dickhäuter wiederkäuen?
Must pachyderms ruminate?
Må pachyderms gruble?

Who regularly incites political violence and is a serial liar, rampant xenophobe, racist, misogynist and birther who has repeatedly pledged to ban all Muslims – 1.6 billion members of an entire religion – from entering the U.S.

She had joined the Eleven when she was eleven. Very important, each wore a very elaborate hat embroidered with the four crosses, and don't forget the little bells. She had been invited into the carnival club when she was four – she danced so...   Continue reading...

Das ist so ein Wort: Saumseligkeit

She exploded.

Perhaps I had eaten a policeman on the way home.

Ich bin einmal nach Glückstadt gegangen,
um Matjes satt zu essen.

stories of pain


contact 2011

The 19-part story Brasslans is complete, after three years in the making.

Clare Malone: "Naked Power Grab" is the sequel to my romance novel "Delegates Unbound."

She said little and I said not enough.

I didn't know she was dying.

Everything I do, reminds me of you.

We are a small group of people who are very strong and very violent...
Very violent? That's a pretty strong word. Can anybody join, Mike?
No, no one joins the group. It is not a club, not a team, no subscriptions. You are informed that you are in the group, that's it, you can't leave...   Continue reading...

Må pachyderms tygge drøv?

German stories

To which the answer is no.

Please email this link to your enemies:

Kan sennep gå med dig.

about me

A tisket, a tasket, stick it in a basket.

It's better than a kick in the head with a pointed stick.

A locked door does not a girl in white stop.

Es wird in Berlin heute gewählt.
Der Androscoggin ist zugefroren.

contact 2008

tarnished in so many ways

2 is in 8, but in no other digit.

She spent most of the time with me during the questioning. Every time she was asked a question she disappeared and appeared by me. “They wanna know what you're like in bed; and I've told Deirdre that I'll 'it 'er if she don't come on our Sat'day walk.” With that she disappeared and probably reappeared in the living room with the two social workers.

Ich habe Kesselsuppe als Vorspeise bestellt.
"Oh, was ist das?"
Kesselsuppe ist das, was nach dem Kochen vom Kesselfleisch (das Fleisch, aus dem die Wurst gemacht wird) und nach dem Kochen der Würste im Darm im großen Kessel ist.  Deutch


You would think that this would drive any normal person crazy, but he was not normal and had always been crazy.

The "Seven Seas" is an ancient phrase for all the world's oceans. Since the 19th century, the term has been taken to include seven oceanic bodies of water: the Arctic Ocean, the North Atlantic Ocean, the South Atlantic Ocean, the Indian Ocean, the North Pacific Ocean, the South Pacific Ocean and the Southern (or Antarctic) Ocean.


The crazy stuff is inside you.

Most of the time it's OK,
but sometimes it just happens
and it hurts.

Das ist die neuntbeste Lösung!

Please email this link to your friends:

numeric offcuts

Ich bin versaut; ich glaube nicht, dass ich versaut bin, aber meine Frau erzählt mir sehr oft, dass ich versaut bin. Ich mag meine Frau. Ich liebe meine Frau. Aber ich mag es nicht, wenn sie so was sagt. Es nervt...   Weiter lesen...

contact 2015

Weiter leben!

Do you want to print this?

You must not touch the Story Kettle with your bare fingers. Discard it. Take a freshly packed Story Kettle and open the package taking care not to touch the Story Kettle. Extract the Story Kettle with a clean pair of pointed pliers that have been dipped in alcohol, turpentine or isopropanol (not distilled water) and carefully place the Story Kettle in the supplied socket. Repeat the process until: The Story Kettle shines with a clear ray of blue light!

stories to make you cry

Read B  gets kicked and Torkle and bottom and kettle and brick and Toby and Curate

tin can of delight

Now is the time to tell all your friends, all the people you know and of course all your enemies about your favourite story website.
Offcuts is a large collection of bits and pieces, miscellaneous, odds and ends, jumble, all sorts, this and that, odds and sods, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, excerpts and words and pictures and tips and recipes. Some are even stories, most are what Big Tone would call “Pieces Of Nonsense”. Try offcuts for the newest offcuts and index of titles and links and top ten links.

in and around the Story Kettle and in 2012-2015 and in 2009-2011 and in 2007-2008

list of all stories

This site is all about stories, it's full of stories.
Just click on a title and read a story.
There are lots of stories here.
Click on more titles and read more stories.

new offcuts and list of all offcuts   D-J   K-Q   R-Z   and offcuts 2015 and 2014 and 2013