old jokes 6

An offcut from the Story Kettle

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Copyright © 2022, Michael M Wayman

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Every one has the right to make mistakes.
It's just that some people overuse it.

Only a wise man can be wrong
all of the time.

Violence is fun,
but makes a mess on the carpet.

HNO: If a five-hole doctor does
throat, nose and ears,
what does a one-hole doctor do?

Some days you hate,
some days you hate yourself,
some days are even worse.

It was as bad as I had expected
and so good as I had hoped.

It was Colonel Mustard in the library
with a can of pineapple pieces.

What does the fourth monkey not do?

When you get older you get to be wiser,
but not wise.

Better corned beef than cornered rat!

Dear John,
I am sorry to have to tell you that I have found another. You have been away so long. He is so tall and handsome, he has loads of money and is good in bed. And you were always so ugly. I do not love you any more.        Daphne

Cow juice is white.
Bee glue is sweet.

If you take a door off its hinges, it is unhinged, like some people you know.

If you screw four short legs on to a door, unhinge it and place it horizontally on the floor, you will either later trip over the legs or you will have a large coffee table.

I know that it is illegal
but in this part of the country
we like to eat politicians.

“I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy!”
Yes, well, we've all got our problems.

We are making you ready for Xmas.
Next we are going to rub salt and pepper all over you.
And then you go in the oven.
A big porpoise like you is going to take over ten hours to cook.
Big problem – there is no oven big enough for a porpoise in here;
not even a little one.
I think that next time you should complain about this.

Remove the legs from your turkey,
pin on a hundred chicken drumsticks,
and have roast centipede for Xmas.

Americans are hit by a truck,
Brits are run over by a bus,
but the result is the same.

Geese have not many teeth and only two feet.

Donut rises here
In the little town of Donutschlingen is the source of the Donut,
the great river that runs through most of our continent.
The nearby town of Donutquetschen also claims to have
the source of the Donut, a very deep pool which divers say,
reaches almost to the centre of the planet.

I was sitting by the canal
when someone came by
with an animal on a lead.
It was a ferret.
Oh, yes! I was back in England.

What I like about cat construction kits is that
you don't have to put the legs on.

I want shepherds pie with real shepherd in it.

I think synchronised kicking should be an Olympic sport;
there are enough politicians to practise on.

Flying is for the birds.

There are two types of politician:
the A-hole who does things and
the A-hole who doesn't do things.
The first sort is probably better.

Humour is like a dead dog on the path.
It may make you laugh or shock you.
But very few people will cut it open
to find out what's inside.

I got a nice notepad for my birthday,
at the top of every page was printed:
from the desk of Attila the Hun

It is better to hang together, than to hang separately.
This however does not apply to politicians;
they can be hanged together or separately.

Are you a pachyderm or a pantechnicon?

butt-wandering is in!
See the world from the seat of your car,
without leaving the seat of your car.

Politicians say man should go to Mars.
I say politicians should go to Mars; and stay there.

Did Robin Hood have a sister named Kooka?

Take the rings off your fingers before you artificially inseminate a horse.

Are you piddling in the corner again?
Oh, yes! Alzheimer you gotta practise.

I get those postnatal depressions
every time a politician is born.

Avoid staying in bed - most people die in bed.

After invading Australia Adolf Hitler paid a visit to Ayers Rock
and said that he would like a Vegemite sandwich before attacking New Zealand.

We live on a tilted planet.

Perhaps I had eaten a policeman on the way home.

Red stripe on the ceiling?
Put the top back on the tomato ketchup!

I used to live in the White House
until I painted it yellow.
Now I live in the Yellow House.

You must not touch the Story Kettle with your bare fingers. Discard it. Take a freshly packed Story Kettle and open the package taking care not to touch the Story Kettle. Extract the Story Kettle with a clean pair of pointed pliers that have been dipped in alcohol, turpentine or isopropanol (not distilled water) and carefully place the Story Kettle in the supplied socket. Repeat the process until: The Story Kettle shines with a clear ray of blue light!

First Hildesheimer, then Mannheimer and then Alzheimer.

Battered babies are normally not deep fried.

He put the hacksaw blade through the handle of the cup.
He sawed the handle off.
The people said that he was crazy.
How could he disappoint them?

Celebrate being one thousand when you reach 83 years and 4 months.

I used the indicative in the street the other day.

There's a koala bear hanging in the tree at the bottom of the garden.
But I don't live in Australia,
and my better half says it's just an old plastic bag.
There's a koala bear hanging in the tree at the bottom of the garden.

How high is the snow is illegal in this country.

I would rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

I am sure all of you are looking forward to becoming the 52nd state in USA; you know that #51 is reserved for Washington DC. Driving on the right, tasteless food and all those funny dollar bills will difficult at first. I know that giving up the pound sterling and the NHS and education will be hard, but don't forget it will be harder for Elizabeth Windsor and family in their new home in Saudi Arabia.
Don't forget you will need a valid American passport to visit Scotland, Wales, the Isle of Wight or just about anywhere.

Smearing your breasts with cream cheese will not make you pregnant,
even if you are a man.

Dear Sir,
Thank you for the new credit card you send me. I read your instructions to sign the new card and destroy the old card. I carefully signed the new card and cut it into pieces.
I enclose the pieces and request a new card and hope that I will not make this mistake again.
Yours faithfully, C.A.R. Dolt

Bow to the sacrificial anode!

One day we lost the future!
The calendar on the wall shows three months:
the last, the current and the next month.
The next month part fell off one day into the bin
which the cleaners duly emptied.
Thus we lost our future!