What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick!
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
A man is not complete until he is married,
then he is finished.
After all is said and done,
a lot more has been said than done.
If you're not part of the solution,
you must be part of the precipitate.
America has been discovered before,
but it has always been hushed up.
Blessed be those who initiate lively discussions with the hopelessly mute,
for they shall be known as Dentists.
1. They want it quick.
2. They want it good.
3. They want it cheap.
I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
Have you seen the latest Japanese camera?
Apparently it is so fast it can photograph
an American with his mouth shut!
No matter how much money you spend, you can't make a racehorse out of a pig. You can, however, make an awfully fast pig.
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you.
Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
They don't make nostalgia like they used to.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
A Dan Quayle watch.
There are women who have room on their hips for pots of geraniums;
but room for geraniums all the way round is too much.
What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A hot cross bun.
Wife to husband: You know I won't mind if you marry someone after I'm gone, but I don't want anyone to have my golf clubs.
Husband: Don't worry about it, she's left handed.
It's good to know
That your nose points down.
Otherwise when it rains
You would of course drown.
I've been in several bedsits. You know, a single room and a shared kitchen and bathroom down the corridor. They tend to be lonely places, you sit in your room alone and wait. You are waiting for one of two things – escape or death.
He received the sack cement, it was his last.
He had brass ferrules in the morning.
His fingers were already knurled.
Only the truly demented would like this.
Transformers don't have lamentations, that's sad.
In the meantime, a themed joke from a three-year-old:
Q: How can you spell Mississippi with only one i?
A: Close one of your eyes. (It works better out loud.)
Strained glass windows are in agony.
Ongar was the first word she spoke.
I don't want a toaster with an internet connection,
I want a toaster that toasts bread.
While following a slow car in France
my (mild-mannered) wife suddenly exclaimed
"Watch out Frog! There's a Roast Beef and a Kraut behind you!"
Steak and Kidney Suet Pudding in Winter.
That'll stick your ribs together, said my Mum.
When my neighbours above are inconsiderate, I vacuum my ceiling for ten minutes when they've gone to bed.
Today we have in the studio the Very Reverend Michael Melby from "The Church".
Good evening everybody!
Your company has just announced a new product, an ecclesiastical speed trap.
Yes, that's right, we call it "The Peter", it's very special.
Could you tell us more about it?
When a vehicle is impelled at excessive velocity...
You mean driven faster than the speed limit.
Then the guardian of the said vehicle is petrified.
Er, what does that mean?
Oh, the driver is turned into stone.
Isn't that a bit drastic?
It's very effective, no repeat offenders. And best of all, no paperwork.
It's a great product.
You can do anything with it.
What's it called?
Difficulty.
I'm still waiting for the end of the world and my bus home.
I am a cereal killer.
I have caused lethal damage to many boxes of cornflakes.
It's like those embarrassing moments when you turn up to a party wearing the same dress as another gal, and then my wife asks me why I'm even wearing a dress in the first place.
Remember that the number one, best, favourite girlfriend
can turn into the number one, best, favourite wife.
It's hard to eat,
when your lower jaw is not installed.
Do pachyderms ruminate?
It's better to urinate weakly than urinate weekly.
“How do you know if a robot has got a humour module fitted or not?”
“Oh, do tell me.”
“Easy, just kick the robot. If it groans, it hasn't.
If it says ‘Thank you!’ it does humour.”
By the time you read this,
you will have a lot of milliseconds behind you.
“It hurts.”
“Keep still! Stop moving about.”
Poof!
“It's all over the place, what a mess.”
“I've looked it up, it's a perianal abscess.”
“Oh, I thought it was a boil on the bottom.”
It was furry and I had found it under the cooker. On closer look it was a small tin can of green peas and covered in furry mould. It had probably rolled under the cooker many years ago; it had rusted and leaked and grown mouldy. I did not examine it further to find out if it contained "processed peas" or "garden peas".
Every politician has a right to defenestration.
Too many politicians – too few windows!
Don't lie in Menda City!
Keep potatoes in the dark,
they don't need to know.
It's very difficult to keep a birthday present a surprise if it is a new flowerbed.
Drunkenness and alcoholism are two different things:
A drunk comes home late at night
and sees a six-pack in the fridge
– he will drink the lot.
An alcoholic will leave one
– so he will have something to drink
when he gets up the next day.
Tequila makes her clothes fall off.
If the bad guys don't get you, the good ones will.
"Sorry to disturb you, doctor, but could you come at once, please.
The baby has swallowed the corkscrew."
Five minutes later, just as he had got dressed, another call:
"Oh, I'm so glad I've caught you. Sorry to have disturbed you,
but everything is all right now - we've found another corkscrew."
Two gentlemen in their club.
First gentlemen: "I was sorry to hear you buried your wife last week."
Second gentlemen: "I had to, old boy. She died."
"What would you do if your little brother swallowed the front door key?"
"I'd climb in through the window."
Learn to count to ten
in ten easy stages.
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs
DIFFICULTY is a wonderful product.
With DIFFICULTY you can do everything.
I want to sink into a morass of depravity, alcohol and pornography.
Can I? Oh can I, please.