A double-sided sandwich is a sandwich that can be eaten by two people at the same time.
Don't use brown toilet paper.
I hate those Russian dolls, don't you?
They're so full of themselves.
Go to Helen Hunt for it!
Boris went to Moscow to have a mendacity slam with Vlad.
DON'T HONK!
DRIVER BLIND
Just about everything here is ltr.
Don't eat omelette with your fingers!
non torsii subligarium
What’s the difference between in‑laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
We called him Silver Sleeves,
because he didn't use handkerchiefs.
Even dwarfs start small.
As president, his eccentric behaviour caused some consternation. It all culminated when, late one night, 24 May 1920, he fell out of a large window of the presidential train near Montargis after taking some sleeping pills and was found wandering in his nightshirt by a platelayer.
Washerwoman? Yes, that's what I want to do: Wash a woman!
You are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
Didgeridoo playing has been shown to reduce snoring.
I enjoyed a misspent youth.
I need trepanning like I need a hole in my head.
It is saddening to aim low and miss.
What is the best way to kill ants?
Hit your uncle's wife on the head with a hammer!
A little bit of destruction and mayhem makes the world go round.
The Politicians' Guide to Compulsory Trepanation.
... only the last bit when they stuck a big needle into my head
and sucked out half of my brains.
What's the difference between the police and a magician?
One does cunning stunts.
What's the difference between a steam loco and a tree?
One sheds its leaves.
I must go down to the sea again,
to the lonely sea and the sky,
because I left my shoes and socks there
and I wonder if they're dry.
Es brillig war. Die schlichten Toven
Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-mümsige Burggoven
Die mohmen Räth' ausgraben.
Oh Aunty! That's funny place to keep the hairbrush.
We will occasionally use this arrow notation unless there is danger of no confusion.
Don't anthropomorphise computers. They don't like it.
You need your big toes, otherwise you would fall over.
The river that changes sex and name:
The Moselle river rises in France and is feminine – la Moselle.
At Schengen it becomes the border between Luxembourg and Germany:
feminine on the left bank – d'Musel
and male on the right bank – der Mosel.
After 544km the Mosel discharges into the Rhine at the Deutsches Eck in Koblenz.
I wanted to revenge myself for her attack on me the previous day. When she had her back turned to me, I pushed her flat onto the carpet and knelt on her back. She couldn't move and I dug my fingers and teeth into her – I had my fun. Oh, was she annoyed “You are an awful girl. You are plain evil. Even I have never done that to another person. And I thought that you were such a nice, pretty little girl, as good as gold. But oh no, you are a perverted monster. You are a vicious, evil witch”. “Oh!” I said innocently “Didn't you like it?” “You ask me if I liked it after I just called you an evil, retched, callous, violent devil of a girl? Of course I liked it. Do it again!” At last I thought, an adult who really understands me.
Put the N back into cuts!
I don't hurt other people's feelings by telling them the truth.
In which drawer does she keep her drawers.
Do you keep your drawers in drawers?
Hardware: The parts of a computer system you can kick.
How to give the customer that nice warm feeling:
Piss on his trousers.
Lug nuts are hard to eat.
Trepanning makes holes in your head.
Cat flaps are for pussies.
If I was his mum I'd be enquiring about post natal abortions.
The only difference between men and boys
is the size of their hats and the price of their toys.
People have on average 1.9999 feet.
The Rubicon is in Italy.
Have I really four knobbly medial malleolus?
Or are they medial malleoli?
Yes, but two medial malleoli
and two lateral malleoli;
but all four of them are knobbly.
I was attacked by a
metal bra cup spring shooting out of a washing machine waste filter.
I was attacked by a
bottle of wine jumping out of the fridge door.
I was attacked by a
metal spring from a mattress.
It's about as useful as a bridge made of peeled bananas.
The best part of life is that bit in the middle where you don’t need diapers.
Don't have kids – you can't wash 'em in the dishwasher.
Most of me is in love with you.
Maybe not my toes, but perhaps they're open to persuasion.
Wisdom is for me very much to the right,
I have lost my two left wisdom teeth.
Camberley, oh Camberley, I still see your white elephant standing
I still see the churches going
I was 21 when I left Camberley
Camberley, oh Camberley, I am so bored of staying
Before the emptiness that's spreading
At Camberley, at Camberley
Put your other hand in your pocket!
Remember that the shortest electrical path between your two hands
is through your heart.
Finnglish (a notice in a hotel in Helsinki):
If you pay the waitress the bill, you must sign her on the backside.
Need an ersatz ping-pong ball?
Squeeze the ball out of a used roll-on deodorant and wash it,
and Robert's your father's brother.
There's a dog clutch in my microwave.
Humour is like a dead dog on the path.
It may make you laugh or shock you.
But very few people will cut it open
to find out what's inside.
tinkel, tankel, tonkel
ich hab' einen Onkel
tinkelt, tankelt, tonkelt
er hat meine Tant' gebonkelt
“So, you've got a passport already, JimMEH?”
“Yeah, I needed it for the Ballermann trips.”
“Ballermann?”
“Yer fly to Malle, go to Aldi's, buy a bucket,
some long drinking straws, and bottles of
red plonk and fruit juice; and you're away.”
Jamaica? No, I gave her arsenic.
Little dogs are yappy
and some of them
are just like the stuff
you pull out of
the plughole in the shower.
You're not human.
I never said I was.
There aren't any zebras, the biggest size is N (39 cm difference between bust and underbust circumference).
How do you know in a bag of jelly babies who is illegitimate?
Hold the bag upside-down and all the bastards fall out.
I especially liked hitting the Vicar.
Next week: Toothbrushes – How to locate and clean the right orifice. And don't miss our cut-out-and-keep guide to wiping your behind without ruining the curtains.
You are so scatological !
Lying on the beach is as interesting as lying in a flowerbed at home.
One of the policemen was wearing a cherry tree tied to his back. It was in flower – pretty pink blossoms. Every time he moved about it rained pink petals on his head and shoulders.
Battered babies may be served with chips.
It was Colonel Mustard in the library with a can of peaches.
I try very hard to be not stupid,
but I'm not very good at it.
If you don't know the difference between viscous and vicious you may come to a sticky end.