What is black and white, and read all over?
If ducks walk on water
it is very cold.
How do you make a sandwich spread?
By sitting on it.
I say, I say, my dog is an ironmonger.
Yes, every time I kick the dog he makes a bolt for the door.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To reach the other side.
What holds up the telephone wires in Poland?
It's all over the house.
If your parents had no children the chances are that you won't either.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's a little lighter.
I say, I say, my dog has no nose.
How does it smell?
The cure for water on the brain, is a tap on the knee.
Doctor, doctor, I'm suffering from acne.
Then move to Walthamstow.
What goes "ha ha bonk"?
A man laughing his head off.
Who was that lady that I saw you with last night?
That was no lady.
That was my wife.
It was her birthday and he said:
There's a jaguar in the garage waiting for you.
She went down to the garage and the jaguar bit her head off.
Our microwave oven is too small,
the department leader does not fit in at all!
The elephant is a funny bird
It flits from bough to bough
It makes its nest in a rhubarb tree
And whistles like a cow.
If I say that you have a lovely body,
will you hold it against me.
How to lose 12 pounds of ugly fat?
Cut your head off!
Muffin the Mule is difficult;
but Bruin the Bear is impossible.
While you are reading this
small creatures are crawling up your legs.
One crocodile sandwich and make it snappy!
Join the army
Travel the world
Meet interesting people
And still have a decent military funeral before you are 25.
What is brown and sounds like a bell?
What is green and turns red at the touch of a button?
Kermit in a liquidiser!
What goes zzub zzub zzub?
A bee flying backwards.
There was a young lady of Riga
Who rode with a smile on a tiger
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
I've got those keyboard depressions!
Doctor: Big breaths!
Teenie: Yehth, and I'm only Thixteen.
Well! Well! Well!
Three holes in the ground.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
What do you call a big black man with a whip?
Tables and chairs do not like one another.
They bite each others' legs.
If you can't stand on your head
I will stand on it for you.
What's a hammerfer?
Fer knocking in nails.
Why did the washing machine laugh?
Because it was taking the piss out of your pants!
necrophilia = deadly boring
paedophilia = childishly boring
incest = a game all the family can play except mummy and daddy
What's red and lies in the gutter? A dead bus.
What's red and lies in the corner?
A baby with a plastic bag over its head.
I don't like my sister.
Well, put her on the edge of your plate.
Mummy, Mummy, why am I going round in circles?
Shut up! Or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
Three lawyers up to their necks in quicksand –
what's the problem?
Not enough quicksand.
What's the difference between Mrs Thatcher and a bucket of excrement?
TIP: you can insert the name of your nemesis into these jokes.
Following a climate crisis meeting there are 5 world leaders on a plane that is crashing to the ground but there are only 4 parachutes for President Macron, President Putin, President Trump, the Dalai Lama and the 17 year old Greta Thunberg.
President Macron grabs a chute and jumps off the plane shouting “Viva la France!” President Putin does the same saying “I need to be re-elected until 2036 to lead the Russians”. President Trump says “I’m a genius, the smartest man in America and I am destined to save the USA”, grabs a chute and jumps off the plane.
The Dalai Lama turns to Greta and says “You have your whole life in front of you and a mission to save the planet, you take the last parachute.” Greta says “No need, there are 2 parachutes left, Trump took my school bag.”
How many times have I heard that one – different celebs every time.
Did you hear about the Irishman who fell out of the window ironing the curtains.
Did you hear about the Irishman who put a clean pair of socks on every day?
At the end of the week he couldn't get his boots on.
Been out washing the car with my son.
He said "Dad why don't you use a sponge like the other dads?"
Cups and glasses are made so large that you cannot swallow them by mistake.
Why is a word processor so named?
What does a food processor do to food?
When a woman says that she won't be a minute - she means it.
Pedestrians do it standing up!
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
But I've never seen her bear
Put your foot in your mouth - where it belongs.
I'm sorry I'm late three.
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice and all things nice.
That's what little girls are made of.
What are little boys made of?
Slugs and snails and puppy dog tails.
That's what little boys are made of.
Finnglish (a notice in a hotel in Helsinki):
If you pay the waitress the bill, you must sign her on the backside.
If God had intended us to smoke
he would have fitted us with chimneys.
How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke his eyes out!
What is black and keeps bumping into pianos?
How do you make a Maltese cross?
Tread on his toes!
How do you make a Maltese cross?
Poke his eyes out!
How much does a Grecian urn?
The longest journey starts by buying a ticket.
Only a wise man can be wrong all of the time.
You have to close a door before you can open it.
As a little boy I had difficulty doing up my shirt buttons.
So, I used to ask my Mother for help
and she said (engage deep voice)
You are old enough and ugly enough to do it yourself.
While shepherds washed their socks by night
All seated on the ground
The Angel of the Wash came down
And gave them all a scrub.
A man may not marry his mother-in-law.
Lord have mercy upon us and incline our hearts to keep this law.
What is that great gaping hole in your face just below your nose?
What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby?