Offcuts 2015 from the Story Kettle

Offcuts archive for year 2015

bits and pieces, miscellaneous, excerpts, odds and ends, pictures, jumble, all sorts, scraps, this and that, odds and sods, words, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, tips and recipes


Please email this link to your friends:

contact 2015

stories at random

The eating and the drinking and the watching of TV.

It's December, it's 15°C outside and the daffodils are out in England.

Und wenn die 5. Kerze brennt,
hast du Weihnachten schon verpennt!

Tallulah Bankhead: Daddy warned me about men and booze, but he never said a word about women and cocaine.

Careful, words have sharp edges.

Kentucky jelly sandwiches are very slippery.

It was furry and I had found it under the cooker. On closer look it was a small tin can of green peas and covered in furry mould. It had probably rolled under the cooker many years ago; it had rusted and leaked and grown mouldy. I did not examine it further to find out if it contained "processed peas" or "garden peas".

Macaroni and Cheese, Club Steak, Turkey, Pulled Pork, Sloppy Joe, Buffalo Wings oder Salisbury Steak – alles heiß geliebte Nationalgerichte in den USA.


German stories

white space

I stood and looked at myself in the mirror. Why was I shorter than the door knob on the cupboard? Why was I wearing a white tutu? And why was I a little girl?   Continue reading...

how not to PC 8

Not much to read in a book of matches.

You're having a party tonight!
It will be dark when the guests come
and the front door is way back from the street.
What to do?
Place a clear glass jar every metre (yard) along the path.
Drop a lit tealight (nightlight candle) in each jar, no lid.
After a few tries you will be able to drop in the tealights without the flame dying.
Stand back and admire your pretty path to your front door.

It's November, it's 20°C outside and the first snow drops are out.

Read the 55 Betty stories starting here and the red wash crime story starting here.

What is that great gaping hole in your face just below your nose?

Hot water heaters do not exist – a water heater heats cold water to make hot water.

Brauchst Du einmal nicht dein Bein, steck es in den ... dir rein.


Nottingham did not have a stall, he was free to go where he wished. Most evenings he wandered along the side of the canal to The Flask, he didn't go inside, it was too narrow, plenty of room in the beer garden. On the wall above the tap was...   Continue reading...

Nottingham's Bucket

  1. Put some tap water in the bucket and swill it out.
  2. Put a pint of bitter in the bucket.
  3. Fill the bucket with tap water up to the red mark.
  4. Do NOT add anything else!
  5. Place the bucket on the table and Nottingham will do the rest.

Mike Hurdy:   We are a small group of people who are very strong and very violent...
Jim Simes:   Very violent? That's a pretty strong word. Can anybody join, Mike?
Mike Hurdy:   No, no one joins the group. It is not a club, not a team, no subscriptions. You are informed that you are in the group, that's it, you can't leave...   Continue reading...

A scruffy little girl walked past, she was wearing a horrible-looking anorak and her hair was a mess. She stopped and looked back over her shoulder at Mrs Pearson. The message was clear: Follow me!   Continue reading...

maths and science stuff

Drill your head out!

Käpt'n Iglo ist Captain Birdseye.
Fische haben Finger und sie sind 60 Jahre alt.



Who searched for "story about when granny took her clothes off" ?

So why the hell am I the farmer's daughter trudging across the fields in big rubber boots? I'm now a female in my late teens or early twenties. I know this, I went to the bathroom before leaving the...   Continue reading...

And I stuck it in my head
and my brain flew out the other side.

Read Nurse and Colin and PAIN and power and contact and shorts and clone and Tinge

dies und das, allerlei, dieses und jenes, eine Menge, mancherlei, manches, verschiedenerlei, viel, vielerlei, ein gerüttelt Maß, Diverses, allerhand, alles Mögliche, mehrerlei, etliches



I tried Gnaw stock cubes
and I pushed them up my nose
and I died.

Ich laufe weg, ich renne weg.
Ich fühle Schmerzen in meinem Rücken.
Ich sehe wie im Tunnel, ich sehe rot.
Ich falle. Ich bin erschossen.



I want to be one of the lovely people.
I want to be a lovely person.

May the best man read the Story Kettle.

Astonishingly, the most common reason for British primary school children needing to go into hospital is now for the extraction of rotten teeth under anaesthetic; that's 26,000 operations a year.

Greatbottoms Flash is in Ash Vale.

May the best woman read the Story Kettle.

Email this link   to everyone you know or don't know.

Masai Graham: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

Where there's a will, there is a Wayman.
Where there's a story, there is the Story Kettle.

honey pot lids and beer mats – Pepper mills always make a mess, ground pepper always leaks out on to the table and in the cupboard. Whereas you will have to fly to San Francisco and buy nice little saucers made of real red wood for your dining table, you can use a plastic lid from a honey jar for your pepper mill or whatever mill in the kitchen. Likewise you can place a cardboard beer mat under the bottle of olive oil or red wine or what ever liquid.

Throw another peasant on the fire!

There are now over 800 content pages on this website.


Ich muss nicht mitten in der Nacht
in Stiefeln über den Hof
zum Plumpsklo gehen, um zu pissen.


You have to ask why some politicians have an extra mouth.


The English quarter days are
Lady Day (25 March)
Midsummer Day (24 June)
Michaelmas (29 September, pronounced mickle-mus)
Christmas (25 December)

He was like a snake in the grass,
totally fricative.

Mrs Tinge   With a name like Fiona Ismeralda Tinge what else could she do; she knew the perfect fit for underwear, she could feel it, she always did. She knew two truths about herself, that she was an expert in underwear and that she was...

Er wollte wissen:
Was bedeutet GAR-BA-GE?

Throw in the frozen peas.

Every politician has a right to defenestration.

Too many politicians – too few windows!

E-Mails dienen lediglich zu keinen Zwecken. Rechts­geschäftliche Erklärungen (z.B. Über­weisungs­aufträge) sind nur über legitimations­gesicherte Röhren möglich (z.B. Homeparking). Sollten Sie diese Nachricht irrtümlich erhalten haben, bitten wir Sie, den Absender anzubinden und die Nachricht zu marinieren.

1 5 6.

Du bist mir lieb. Ich kann nur heulen.


Annoy your friends and amaze your enemies, tell 'em about the Story Kettle!


He was one of those people who need a second mouth – for his other foot.

I ate wild strawberries today.

Shut the door and kick the bucket!

Man geht zum Heurigen,
sitzt beim Heurigen
und trinkt Heurigen.



I don't know who you are, but I love you.

Don't lie in Menda City!


May you dwindle.

He was lying when he was standing up.

heteronyms bow row read reading wind winding


Idea for a film: The Older John Lennon

Forest of Dean and Wye Valley, Blaenafon, Tintern Abbey, Lake Vyrnwy, Caenarfon Castle, Caerphilly Castle, Harlech Castle, Raglan Castle, Carmarthen Castle, The Cathedral Church of St David, St Davids peninsula, Tenby, Pembrokeshire, The Taff Trail (Cardiff - Brecon 88 km), The Monmouthshire and Brecon Canal, Swansea and the Mumbles, Gower Peninsula, Portmeirion Village and Gardens, Devil's Bridge, Conwy, Llandudno, Llangollen

joy ride

Polizisten dürfen nicht mehr auf fahrende Autos schießen.


Read red wash and elephant and Betty and Thumper and granny and bitch and DIY

Was sind Preiselbeeren?

It's a sad day today – another politician born.

about me and about you

EOP = end of politician

GN- and KN- and NO- and TW- and D- and P- and Q- and words

Are you so dim that your parents never called you "son"?

casseroled rabbit in red wine with dumplings and a sweet mountain cranberry sauce

25 is the number that haunts me.
25 is Xmas Day.
25 blackbirds baked in my pie.
25 was her birthday.
25 was the day she died.
25 is today.

Ich habe entschieden, dass das Beste, dass man mit Spargel machen kann, ist, ihn zu trainieren, und ich meine nur die weiße Sorte, aus eine Mülltonne zu springen.

May the best man read the Story Kettle.

the ½%
Why do the ½% always win?
Why can't you predict what they do?
Why do the ½% ignore you?
They don't find you boring,
no, they can't even see you.
They are always there, but

sexy bot she still got


Was ist ein Butterlecker?


They bumped over some railway tracks and entered a strange part of town – big buildings behind high walls. Overhead were high tension cables, electricity crackled through the air. The navigation screen turned blue. An odd voice said: “Location: South China Sea. Emergency. Go for the life boats!”   Continue reading...

The words love, cove and move don't rhyme.

Betty did not know why there had been a ceremony the day before and a big party, she did not know what a honeymoon was. She did know that she had to help with the baby-making, last night and today had been good, but Betty thought...   Continue reading...

Has'du Salz an d'Kartoffel'?
Mit diesem Satz hat die Schwiegermutter meiner Schwiegermutter
ihre Schwiegertochter jeden Morgen geärgert.

Keep potatoes in the dark,
they don't need to know.

In the morning I go outside and throw a glass of red wine,
unfinished from the evening before, over the flower bed
as in Gormenghast.


A car stopped, a young woman got out and stood under a street lamp reading a book. There was a woman under each street lamp, some were pretty, some were ugly, some were men.

Selected links are news links and story links and writing links and recipe links and project links and software links and web design links and top ten links

Zwerg hintergelassen!

I ate a sloth by mistake.

Who am I?   is a good question to ask if you don't know, especially when every day is different, when every day you are in a different place, when every day there are different people, a new time, a new language and you have a new body. You have to ask yourself...   Continue reading...

I've racked my brains,
but I can't find anything.

weak translations = schwache Übersetzungen
snail = Schnecke mit Haus
slug = Schnecke ohne Haus
Happy Dead Body Day = Fronleichnam
handy = handlich

Bletchley Park

Supermarkets have been asked to make sure daffodils are kept separate from fruit and vegetables in a bid to prevent customers mistakenly eating the poisonous plants. People have been known to mistake daffodil bulbs for onions and the stems for a popular Chinese vegetable.

maths and science and astronomy and calendar stuff

Geld hat man zu haben. Wer keins hat, ist immer selbst schuld.

newly boring

Mrs Torc practised in the early hours of each morning. She flew in big circles above the house, her breasts glinting in the moonlight. A neighbour saw her flying overhead one day and phoned the police. You only make that mistake once in your life.


It's very difficult to keep a birthday present a surprise if it is a new flowerbed.

graphically boring

I'm starting the new offcuts for the year 2015, but you can still read the old stuff:
list of all offcuts   D-J   K-Q   R-Z   and offcuts 2014 and 2013 and 2012 and 2011

tails tolled

kein Schnee in Sturgert  Deutch

battered baby in my fritteuse

He pressed the detach button and his head floated away.

Turn up the music and turn down the lights.

Als blöde Ausländer darf ich nicht was sagen.

tin can of delight

Now is the time to tell all your friends, all the people you know and of course all your enemies about your favourite story website.
Offcuts is a large collection of bits and pieces, miscellaneous, odds and ends, jumble, all sorts, this and that, odds and sods, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, excerpts and words and pictures and tips and recipes. Some are even stories, most are what Big Tone would call “Pieces Of Nonsense”. Try offcuts for the newest offcuts and index of titles and links and top ten links.

list of all stories

This site is all about stories, it's full of stories.
Just click on a title and read a story.
There are lots of stories here.
Click on more titles and read more stories.

Marble Halls

“Pick her up – don't worry, she won't hurt you, she likes you. Carry her to the bathroom, put all her clothes in the bath tub and wash her under the shower, wash her hair too.”
To you it sounds odd, to undress someone of the opposite sex that you have just met and wash 'em. He could not understand, but he did what he was told. She liked being washed by other people, better than washing yourself. He soaped her all over with one hand and kept her upright with the other, it was not easy; he had to wash her hair three times and her breasts five.

picture gallery 7

Doch, Heidelberg ist schön! Das romantische Schloss, der Neckar-Fluss, die alten Gebäude, der Thingplatz, die Seilbahn, „The Student Prince“, die Feuerwerke über dem Fluss und Schloss, am besten vom Philosophenweg aus auf dem anderen Flussufer zu sehen; und die amerikanischen Touristen, die fragen „Where is the shlob?“   Weiter lesen...

Smearing your breasts with cream cheese will not make you pregnant,
even if you are a man.


My offcuts are a large and growing collection of jokes, sayings, odd stuff, very short stories and miscellaneous junk. Please read the new offcuts now.

It's hard to eat,
when your lower jaw is not yet installed.

top ten

Neugier tötete die Katze.

I used to insult my two kid brothers with the word Siblings!
or You sibling, you! or worse You utter sibling, you!
Only later did they discover what this little-used word means.

tinkel, tankel, tonkel
ich hab' einen Onkel
tinkelt, tankelt, tonkelt
er hat mein' Tant' gebonkelt

Now that really was doggerel!

bits of my life

There are now 750 pieces of content on this website.


I wanted to write absurd stories with humour
but somehow I also wrote stories of love and pain


Now is the time to tell all your friends, all the people you know and
of course all your enemies about   your favourite story website.

There now follows some quotes that I have found.
Thank you for your kind attention!

Vielen Dank für Ihre Aufmerksamkeit!

"From the heart; may it go to the heart!"

"Von Herzen - Möge es wieder - zu Herzen gehen!"

Oscar Wilde:
The happiness of a married man depends on the people he has not married.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Leve de drinkebroers.

Divisa in partes tres.

Quod licet Jovi,
non licet bovi.

Britannia redux

Rule Britannia, 1740
To thee belongs the rural reign;
Thy cities shall with commerce shine:
All thine shall be the subject main,
And every shore it circles thine.

Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool,
than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Eine Definition von Idiotie lautet,
alles so machen wie früher und
trotzdem ein anderes Ergebnis zu erwarten.

Confusion will be my epitaph!

Economists were created to make weather forecasters look good.

But he is still in my mind.

There's a lot of life in the old dog yet.

Der Worte sind genug gewechselt.

Ninth-century Muslim scholar, Ibn Qutayba:
There can be no government without an army
No army without money
No money without prosperity
And no prosperity without justice and good administration.

Meine Ruh ist hin.

I believe in moderation in all things, including moderation.

Drunkenness and alcoholism are two different things:
A drunk comes home late at night
and sees a six-pack in the fridge
– he will drink the lot.
An alcoholic will leave one
– so he will have something to drink
when he gets up the next day.

The jinn is still here.

The jinn demanded a cigarette, and then another,
and then it became impatient and swallowed lighted cigarettes whole.

Twinkle, twinkle, like a star.
Does love flourish from afar?

Tequila makes her clothes fall off.

Die Botschaft hör' ich wohl, allein mir fehlt der Glaube.

Around the explosion the taiga was flattened,
with the broken trees pointing outwards
from the middle like a game of spillikins.

Hier bin ich Mensch, hier darf ich's sein.

Most English intellectuals, George Orwell observed, would rather be caught
stealing from a poor box than seen standing to attention
during the national anthem.

Spät kommt Ihr – Doch Ihr kommt.

Es war die Nachtigall.

“The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers”
William Shakespeare, Henry VI Part II, Act IV, Scene II.

Sein oder nicht sein

Die Lerche war's.

The sun is shining,
but it's raining in my heart.

Grace of Monaco review: It is a film so awe-inspiringly wooden that it is basically a fire-risk. The cringe-factor is ionospherically high.

Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a bear,
I've often seen her little lamb,
But I've never seen her bear.

Das Einzige, was wir zu fürchten haben, ist die Furcht selbst.

Why is 6 afraid of 7, because 7 8 9.

new offcuts and list of all offcuts   D-J   K-Q   R-Z   and offcuts 2014 and 2013 and 2012