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The eating and the drinking and the watching of TV.
It's December, it's 15°C outside and the daffodils are out in England.
Tallulah Bankhead: Daddy warned me about men and booze, but he never said a word about women and cocaine.
Careful, words have sharp edges.
Kentucky jelly sandwiches are very slippery.
It was furry and I had found it under the cooker. On closer look it was a small tin can of green peas and covered in furry mould. It had probably rolled under the cooker many years ago; it had rusted and leaked and grown mouldy. I did not examine it further to find out if it contained "processed peas" or "garden peas".
I stood and looked at myself in the mirror. Why was I shorter than the door knob on the cupboard? Why was I wearing a white tutu? And why was I a little girl? Continue reading...
Not much to read in a book of matches.
You're having a party tonight!
It will be dark when the guests come
and the front door is way back from the street.
What to do?
Place a clear glass jar every metre (yard) along the path.
Drop a lit tealight (nightlight candle) in each jar, no lid.
After a few tries you will be able to drop in the tealights without the flame dying.
Stand back and admire your pretty path to your front door.
It's November, it's 20°C outside and the first snow drops are out.
What is that great gaping hole in your face just below your nose?
Hot water heaters do not exist – a water heater heats cold water to make hot water.
Nottingham did not have a stall, he was free to go where he wished. Most evenings he wandered along the side of the canal to The Flask, he didn't go inside, it was too narrow, plenty of room in the beer garden. On the wall above the tap was... Continue reading...
Mike Hurdy: We are a small group of people who are very strong and very violent...
Jim Simes: Very violent? That's a pretty strong word. Can anybody join, Mike?
Mike Hurdy: No, no one joins the group. It is not a club, not a team, no subscriptions. You are informed that you are in the group, that's it, you can't leave... Continue reading...
A scruffy little girl walked past, she was wearing a horrible-looking anorak and her hair was a mess. She stopped and looked back over her shoulder at Mrs Pearson. The message was clear: Follow me! Continue reading...
Drill your head out!
Who searched for "story about when granny took her clothes off" ?
So why the hell am I the farmer's daughter trudging across the fields in big rubber boots? I'm now a female in my late teens or early twenties. I know this, I went to the bathroom before leaving the... Continue reading...
And I stuck it in my head
and my brain flew out the other side.
I tried Gnaw stock cubes
and I pushed them up my nose
and I died.
I want to be one of the lovely people.
I want to be a lovely person.
May the best man read the Story Kettle.
Astonishingly, the most common reason for British primary school children needing to go into hospital is now for the extraction of rotten teeth under anaesthetic; that's 26,000 operations a year.
Greatbottoms Flash is in Ash Vale.
May the best woman read the Story Kettle.
Masai Graham: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
Where there's a will, there is a Wayman.
Where there's a story, there is the Story Kettle.
honey pot lids and beer mats – Pepper mills always make a mess, ground pepper always leaks out on to the table and in the cupboard. Whereas you will have to fly to San Francisco and buy nice little saucers made of real red wood for your dining table, you can use a plastic lid from a honey jar for your pepper mill or whatever mill in the kitchen. Likewise you can place a cardboard beer mat under the bottle of olive oil or red wine or what ever liquid.
Throw another peasant on the fire!
There are now over 800 content pages on this website.
You have to ask why some politicians have an extra mouth.
He was like a snake in the grass,
Mrs Tinge With a name like Fiona Ismeralda Tinge what else could she do; she knew the perfect fit for underwear, she could feel it, she always did. She knew two truths about herself, that she was an expert in underwear and that she was...
Throw in the frozen peas.
Every politician has a right to defenestration.
Too many politicians – too few windows!
Annoy your friends and amaze your enemies, tell 'em about the Story Kettle!
He was one of those people who need a second mouth – for his other foot.
I ate wild strawberries today.
Shut the door and kick the bucket!
I don't know who you are, but I love you.
Don't lie in Menda City!
May you dwindle.
He was lying when he was standing up.
heteronyms bow row read reading wind winding
Idea for a film: The Older John Lennon
Forest of Dean and Wye Valley, Blaenafon, Tintern Abbey, Lake Vyrnwy, Caenarfon Castle, Caerphilly Castle, Harlech Castle, Raglan Castle, Carmarthen Castle, The Cathedral Church of St David, St Davids peninsula, Tenby, Pembrokeshire, The Taff Trail (Cardiff - Brecon 88 km), The Monmouthshire and Brecon Canal, Swansea and the Mumbles, Gower Peninsula, Portmeirion Village and Gardens, Devil's Bridge, Conwy, Llandudno, Llangollen
It's a sad day today – another politician born.
EOP = end of politician
Are you so dim that your parents never called you "son"?
casseroled rabbit in red wine with dumplings and a sweet mountain cranberry sauce
25 is the number that haunts me.
25 is Xmas Day.
25 blackbirds baked in my pie.
25 was her birthday.
25 was the day she died.
25 is today.
Ich habe entschieden, dass das Beste, dass man mit Spargel machen kann, ist, ihn zu trainieren, und ich meine nur die weiße Sorte, aus eine Mülltonne zu springen.
May the best man read the Story Kettle.
Why do the ½% always win?
Why can't you predict what they do?
Why do the ½% ignore you?
They don't find you boring,
no, they can't even see you.
They are always there, but
sexy bot she still got
They bumped over some railway tracks and entered a strange part of town – big buildings behind high walls. Overhead were high tension cables, electricity crackled through the air. The navigation screen turned blue. An odd voice said: “Location: South China Sea. Emergency. Go for the life boats!” Continue reading...
The words love, cove and move don't rhyme.
Betty did not know why there had been a ceremony the day before and a big party, she did not know what a honeymoon was. She did know that she had to help with the baby-making, last night and today had been good, but Betty thought... Continue reading...
Has'du Salz an d'Kartoffel'?
Mit diesem Satz hat die Schwiegermutter meiner Schwiegermutter
ihre Schwiegertochter jeden Morgen geärgert.
Keep potatoes in the dark,
they don't need to know.
In the morning I go outside and throw a glass of red wine,
unfinished from the evening before, over the flower bed
as in Gormenghast.
A car stopped, a young woman got out and stood under a street lamp reading a book. There was a woman under each street lamp, some were pretty, some were ugly, some were men.
I ate a sloth by mistake.
Who am I? is a good question to ask if you don't know, especially when every day is different, when every day you are in a different place, when every day there are different people, a new time, a new language and you have a new body. You have to ask yourself... Continue reading...
I've racked my brains,
but I can't find anything.
weak translations = schwache Übersetzungen
snail = Schnecke mit Haus
slug = Schnecke ohne Haus
Happy Dead Body Day = Fronleichnam
handy = handlich
Supermarkets have been asked to make sure daffodils are kept separate from fruit and vegetables in a bid to prevent customers mistakenly eating the poisonous plants. People have been known to mistake daffodil bulbs for onions and the stems for a popular Chinese vegetable.
Geld hat man zu haben. Wer keins hat, ist immer selbst schuld.
Mrs Torc practised in the early hours of each morning. She flew in big circles above the house, her breasts glinting in the moonlight. A neighbour saw her flying overhead one day and phoned the police. You only make that mistake once in your life.
It's very difficult to keep a birthday present a surprise if it is a new flowerbed.
battered baby in my fritteuse
He pressed the detach button and his head floated away.
Turn up the music and turn down the lights.
Als blöde Ausländer darf ich nicht was sagen.
This site is all about stories, it's full of stories.
Just click on a title and read a story.
There are lots of stories here.
Click on more titles and read more stories.
“Pick her up – don't worry, she won't hurt you, she likes you. Carry her to the bathroom, put all her clothes in the bath tub and wash her under the shower, wash her hair too.”
To you it sounds odd, to undress someone of the opposite sex that you have just met and wash 'em. He could not understand, but he did what he was told. She liked being washed by other people, better than washing yourself. He soaped her all over with one hand and kept her upright with the other, it was not easy; he had to wash her hair three times and her breasts five.
Doch, Heidelberg ist schön! Das romantische Schloss, der Neckar-Fluss, die alten Gebäude, der Thingplatz, die Seilbahn, „The Student Prince“, die Feuerwerke über dem Fluss und Schloss, am besten vom Philosophenweg aus auf dem anderen Flussufer zu sehen; und die amerikanischen Touristen, die fragen „Where is the shlob?“ Weiter lesen...
Smearing your breasts with cream cheese will not make you pregnant,
even if you are a man.
My offcuts are a large and growing collection of jokes, sayings, odd stuff, very short stories and miscellaneous junk. Please read the new offcuts now.
It's hard to eat,
when your lower jaw is not yet installed.
Neugier tötete die Katze.
I used to insult my two kid brothers with the word Siblings!
or You sibling, you! or worse You utter sibling, you!
Only later did they discover what this little-used word means.
Now that really was doggerel!
There are now 750 pieces of content on this website.
There now follows some quotes that I have found.
Thank you for your kind attention!
Vielen Dank für Ihre Aufmerksamkeit!
"From the heart; may it go to the heart!"
"Von Herzen - Möge es wieder - zu Herzen gehen!"
The happiness of a married man depends on the people he has not married.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Leve de drinkebroers.
Divisa in partes tres.
Quod licet Jovi,
non licet bovi.
Rule Britannia, 1740
To thee belongs the rural reign;
Thy cities shall with commerce shine:
All thine shall be the subject main,
And every shore it circles thine.
Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool,
than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Eine Definition von Idiotie lautet,
alles so machen wie früher und
trotzdem ein anderes Ergebnis zu erwarten.
Confusion will be my epitaph!
Economists were created to make weather forecasters look good.
But he is still in my mind.
There's a lot of life in the old dog yet.
Der Worte sind genug gewechselt.
Ninth-century Muslim scholar, Ibn Qutayba:
There can be no government without an army
No army without money
No money without prosperity
And no prosperity without justice and good administration.
Meine Ruh ist hin.
I believe in moderation in all things, including moderation.
Drunkenness and alcoholism are two different things:
A drunk comes home late at night
and sees a six-pack in the fridge
– he will drink the lot.
An alcoholic will leave one
– so he will have something to drink
when he gets up the next day.
The jinn is still here.
The jinn demanded a cigarette, and then another,
and then it became impatient and swallowed lighted cigarettes whole.
Twinkle, twinkle, like a star.
Does love flourish from afar?
Tequila makes her clothes fall off.
Die Botschaft hör' ich wohl, allein mir fehlt der Glaube.
Around the explosion the taiga was flattened,
with the broken trees pointing outwards
from the middle like a game of spillikins.
Hier bin ich Mensch, hier darf ich's sein.
Most English intellectuals, George Orwell observed, would rather be caught
stealing from a poor box than seen standing to attention
during the national anthem.
Spät kommt Ihr – Doch Ihr kommt.
Es war die Nachtigall.
“The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers”
William Shakespeare, Henry VI Part II, Act IV, Scene II.
Sein oder nicht sein
Die Lerche war's.
The sun is shining,
but it's raining in my heart.
Grace of Monaco review: It is a film so awe-inspiringly wooden that it is basically a fire-risk. The cringe-factor is ionospherically high.
Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a bear,
I've often seen her little lamb,
But I've never seen her bear.
Das Einzige, was wir zu fürchten haben, ist die Furcht selbst.
Why is 6 afraid of 7, because 7 8 9.