old jokes 8

An offcut from the Story Kettle

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Copyright © 2023, Michael M Wayman

more jokes!

Some of my stories are funny, in both senses of the word, both funny ha ha and funny peculiar. But not many funny stories, which literally means jokes. Or perhaps all of my stories are one big joke. You choose.

Id Yacht carved his name in his forehead.

Who the hell are you?
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present.
But it's August.
I have come to warn you...
...that there will be no Christmas in August.
How did you know that?

Thar's notting like a good bit'o filth.

Robert is your father's brother.

How do you ginger-up a horse?
Peel a pear-shaped piece of raw ginger root
and stick it up...

He keeps his cards so close to his chest,
even he doesn't know what cards he holds.

Did you see Xmas biscuits in Lidl at the start of September?
I saw a left-over chocolate Father Xmas next to the Easter eggs in Aldi last January.

Your vacuum cleaner sucks.

Are those flowers horse-drawn?
No, my horse prefers painting.

Daffodils are honest.
Tulips are insincere.
Dahlias are lurid.

Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you.
Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

Perhaps I had eaten a policeman on the way home.

It's better than a kick in the head with a pointed stick.

What's the difference between a german comedian and Santa Claus?
None! They both do not exist.

Don't drive faster than your guardian angel can fly!

Why was he born so beautiful?
Why was he born at all?
He's no bloody use
He's no bloody use, at all

Commenting on the mark on your nose:
It's caused by glasses.
Then why don't you use contact lenses?
They don't hold enough beer.

It's good to know
That your nose points down.
Otherwise when it rains
You would of course drown.

Said the milkman:
Do you want pasteurised?
No I'll be happy if it comes up to my chest.

As two departed souls are on their way to heaven they see some eagles flying below. "Ah! eagles", said the souls to each other. The eagles were too polite to comment.

One day a rich man pulled up in his Rolls-Royce at the petrol station and demanded that the car be filled up. On returning the rich man noticed the envious look of the pump attendant. "I work for Cunard", he said. "I work f**king hard too, but I don't have a Roller", exclaimed the pump attendant.

Even when you fall down stairs for the ninth time - you learn something.

You don't have to wear a bin liner to look pretty.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system you can kick.

How to give the customer that nice warm feeling:
Piss on his trousers.

Lug nuts are hard to eat.

Trepanning makes holes in your head.

Cat flaps are for pussies.

If I was his mum I'd be enquiring about post natal abortions.

The only difference between men and boys
is the size of their hats and the price of their toys.

People have on average 1.9999 feet.

The Rubicon is in Italy.

Have I really four knobbly medial malleolus?
Or are they medial malleoli?
Yes, but two medial malleoli
and two lateral malleoli;
but all four of them are knobbly.

I was attacked by a
metal bra cup spring shooting out of a washing machine waste filter.

I was attacked by a
bottle of wine jumping out of the fridge door.

I was attacked by a
metal spring from a mattress.

It's about as useful as a bridge made of peeled bananas.

The best part of life is that bit in the middle where you don’t need diapers.

Don't have kids – you can't wash 'em in the dishwasher.

Most of me is in love with you.
Maybe not my toes, but perhaps they're open to persuasion.

Wisdom is for me very much to the right,
I have lost my two left wisdom teeth.

Camberley, oh Camberley, I still see your white elephant standing
I still see the churches going
I was 21 when I left Camberley

Camberley, oh Camberley, I am so bored of staying
Before the emptiness that's spreading
At Camberley, at Camberley

Put your other hand in your pocket!
Remember that the shortest electrical path between your two hands is through your heart.

Finnglish (a notice in a hotel in Helsinki):
If you pay the waitress the bill, you must sign her on the backside.

Need an ersatz ping-pong ball?
Squeeze the ball out of a used roll-on deodorant and wash it,
and Robert's your father's brother.

There's a dog clutch in my microwave.

Humour is like a dead dog on the path.
It may make you laugh or shock you.
But very few people will cut it open
to find out what's inside.

tinkel, tankel, tonkel
ich hab' einen Onkel
tinkelt, tankelt, tonkelt
er hat meine Tant' gebonkelt

“So, you've got a passport already, JimMEH?”
“Yeah, I needed it for the Ballermann trips.”
“Ballermann?”
“Yer fly to Malle, go to Aldi's, buy a bucket,
some long drinking straws, and bottles of
red plonk and fruit juice; and you're away.”

Jamaica? No, I gave her arsenic.

Little dogs are yappy
and some of them
are just like the stuff
you pull out of
the plughole in the shower.

You're not human.
I never said I was.

There aren't any zebras, the biggest size is N (39 cm difference between bust and underbust circumference).

How do you know in a bag of jelly babies who is illegitimate?
Hold the bag upside-down and all the bastards fall out.

I especially liked hitting the Vicar.

Next week: Toothbrushes – How to locate and clean the right orifice. And don't miss our cut-out-and-keep guide to wiping your behind without ruining the curtains.

You are so scatological !

Lying on the beach is as interesting as lying in a flowerbed at home.

One of the policemen was wearing a cherry tree tied to his back. It was in flower – pretty pink blossoms. Every time he moved about it rained pink petals on his head and shoulders.

Battered babies may be served with chips.

It was Colonel Mustard in the library with a can of peaches.

If you don't know the difference between viscous and vicious you may come to a sticky end.