Offcuts from the Story Kettle

Offcuts archive for years 2017-2019

bits and pieces, miscellaneous, excerpts, odds and ends, pictures, jumble, all sorts, scraps, this and that, odds and sods, words, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, tips, recipes, stories at random and COLLECTIONS

About me and about you and privacy and excerpts

Do your friends know that you read ?
You'll have to tell them all, you know. Why do you do it ?

Schon deinen Freunden vom erzählt?

stories at random

Who had a small part in Charley's Aunt?

Season's Greetings!

I need someone in my life and it's got to be you.

Lug nuts are hard to eat.

One has to keep one's red ones with one's green ones if one has more than one of them.

chocky-coffee  recipe

This inside is connected to the outside of the vomitorium.

My beer had sparkling glitter in it like Danziger Goldwasser.
I sent it back.

Why do girls say they have too many bulges and too few bulges? And why do boys...   Continue reading...

I loved her to the left.
I loved her to the right.
I loved her in the middle of the night.


all gone solid

No trains at Ayers Junction.

Trepanning makes holes in your head.

I'm totally lop-sided.
I wear high heels,
but only on the left foot.

She's the cat's mother.

Pertina Effica Incapa Pugna Menda Preco Loqua Morda Sequa Rapa Tene Vera Eda Opa Atro Fera Tena Saga Auda Fero Sala Vora Scar Velo

how not to €uro 8

Cat flaps are for pussies.

If I was his mum I'd be enquiring about post natal abortions.

Betty is an old favourite, she has starred in eighty of my stories and now she meets the cat...   Continue reading...

definition of naïvety
A large tech company markets a clever loudspeaker that can answer your questions. It does not require much imagination to suppose that it contains a microphone that is always online and listening. It does not require much more imagination to suppose that the tech company will listen to your conversations, your every gasp, your every cry.

high on fibre  recipe

garden stuff

He blew and he blew the house down.

“Mach’ne Ich-Aussage“, riet er, „Wenn ich finde,dass du ein Idiot bist, sage ich: Du bist ein Idiot. Ich sage nicht: Man findet, du bist ein Idiot.“


He was all scrunched up.

1000 pieces of content

I never understood,
I never understood anything,
I never understood Olive and George,
I never understood Florence and Larry,
I never understood granny and me,
What's going on?

One day in the lab I received a severe shock from a power supply unit. I don't remember much, some colleagues helped me and insisted that I drank some warm tea. I HATE TEA! It was worse than the shock.

The only difference between men and boys
is the size of their hats and the price of their toys.

top ten

Mrs Tinge

The Lorry Park formerly known as Kent.

The Truck Parking Lot formerly known as the County of Kent between London and the port of Dover.

I'm thinking about tea, the smell of it, the horrible smell of it.
I feel ill.

Do your friends know that you read ?
You'll have to tell them all, you know. Why do you do it ?

an Englishman’s lament

People have on average 1.9999 feet.

The Rubicon is in Italy.

Ich habe gestern entschieden, dass das Beste,
dass man mit Spargel machen kann, ist,
ihn zu trainieren, und ich meine nur die weiße Sorte,
aus eine Mülltonne zu springen.

For Your Love

Do your friends know that you read ?
You'll have to tell them all, you know. Why do you do it ?

Wenn Enten auf Wasser treten,
ist es schon kalt.


Child's view:
old buildings = boring
old people = very boring
old buildings and old people = extremely boring

Ich liebe dich blanchiert.
Ich blanchiere dich so gern.

Happ Hazzardley got it done.

Good Morning Little Schoolgirl

Mein Medial Malleolus
ist knubbelig.
Have I really four knobbly medial malleolus?
Or are they medial malleoli?
Yes, but two medial malleoli
and two lateral malleoli;
but all four of them are knobbly.

Nicht wenn meine Füße
geschwollen sind.

Who said that a saxophone is basically a brass clarinet?

I would like to be a taller person,
but I can't find any size 47 high heels.

I was attacked by a
metal bra cup spring shooting out of a washing machine waste filter.

I was attacked by a
bottle of wine jumping out of the fridge door.

I was attacked by a
metal spring from a mattress.

I'm forever holding handbags,
Pretty handbags in the hand.

dot dismal

I went to see her,
I went to see my wife,
I went to see the end of the world.


Rare "black moon" tonight!


It's about as useful as a bridge made of peeled bananas.

Danke für die Einladung zu deinem 60. Denk nach,
danach ist es nur 23 Jahre und 4 Monate bis du 1000 wirst,
d.h. 1000 Monate alt.


His name was Detritus Hubris.

A friend of mine once worked on a software project for the Chilean Navy and filled the messages area of the hard disk (a five Megabyte drive the size of a refrigerator) with the text Felices Pascuas. Apparently when the software screwed up it would print the two words on the console teleprinter. It does not mean what you think it means.

Fat Tulip is a load of rubbish.

Naught's had, all's spent.

No Brexit today!

An wen immer es angeht.


The best part of life is that bit in the middle where you don’t need diapers.

Suicide bombers don't tend to be repeat offenders.

What's odd about Battersby, Morecambe, Bourne End, Blankenese and Cromer?

Another year older, but alas no wiser.
Nah, wiser yes, but not wise.

People who look like idiots are usually idiots.

Does your tinnitus sound like The Skye Boat Song or Men of Harlech?
Nah, more like Lenard Cohen's Hallelujah.

Don't have kids – you can't wash 'em in the dishwasher.

I cut the nails on my right hand with left-handed scissors.
I cut the nails on my left hand with right-handed scissors.

There's no comparison.

The red wig wag has come down –
that means that the air pressure for the brakes is very low.

Most of me is in love with you.
Maybe not my toes, but perhaps they're open to persuasion.

Erdnüsse sind keine Nüsse.

Who was Lilith?

1-2-3 Cut off your knee!
4-5-6 Shoot your ex!

From Sir Ivan Rogers: 9 Lessions and Where did Brexit come from and where is it going to take the UK? PDF.

It is true that married people tell researchers they are happier than when they were single, but only if their husband or wife is present in the room during the interview.

Wisdom is for me very much to the right,
I have lost my two left wisdom teeth.

Don't say evil about somebody.
It will come back and smash you in the face.

Schluss mit den Spielchen!

I gotta cry.

Being moribund is different from being death warmed up.

I use the last method, perhaps because I am a control freak.

I went to see myself,
but I wasn't there.

The words and the way he said it. I gotta cry.

Your search – windapata linga – did not match any documents.

Every girl has a hobby, everyone has to have a hobby. On Wednesday afternoons the sewing, cross-stitch and embroidery club meets, the hockey teams play, the natural history group sticks pins into small animals, the chess group slowly moves pieces of wood... All terribly uninteresting!
And what about me? “Oh, I can skin rabbits and snakes. Oh, and shoot 'em first.”
No, no, no! No one wanted to know that. Young girls don't do...   Continue reading...

About me and about you and privacy and excerpts

A Very Merry Xmas and A Very Happy New Year!!!

And now for the Hollow Dogs!

tips for a loved one

more Bexit – It is one of the unique characteristics of the Brexit crisis that it makes winners of none and losers of all.

Camberley is next to Frimley and part of Hastings.
Search "Hastings Camberley" to discover the awful truth about Camberley. And Frimley.

The typical English meal is what they call “meat and two veg” – one part meat, one part non-white vegetable, such as carrots and peas, and one part white, such as potatoes, rice or noodles.



Sättigungsbeilage is a long word; it’s a quaint East German word for a (filling) side dish such as potatoes, rice or noodles; the first half has the same origin as the English word sated.

and the moral of the story is...

CAUTION: be careful of steam!

Roger's Snowman

zones of time

They're not laughing now.

Der Rüttler kommt.

odd things

Put your other hand in your pocket! Remember that the shortest electrical path between your two hands is through your heart.

Finnglish (a notice in a hotel in Helsinki):
If you pay the waitress the bill, you must sign her on the backside.

Tanzt unsre Welt mit sich selbst schon in Fieber?
Liegt unser Glück nur im Spiel der Neutronen?

Rope ladder to the moon.

oats and almonds  recipe

Has'du Salz an d'Kartoffel'?

how not to €uro 5

Für die nächste Übung benötigen Sie zwei tiefgefrorene Putenbeine.
Halten Sie die zwei Beine je in einer Hand, hoch über den Kopf,
und singen:
Wir nehm'n die Putenbeine. Bang! Bang!
Wir schlag'n sie zusammen. Bang! Bang!

Tanzen Sie in einen kleinen Kreis und
wiederholen Sie die Übung bis die Putenbeine getaut sind.

Flint is a durable material but not suitable for making corners.

Has'du Salz an d'Kartoffel'?

My sister is two-legged.

„Und wo ist das Sonnen­obser­vatorium?“
„Oh, das SOB hat sich versteckt, aber keine Sorge, es ist immer mittags da.“


drum sticks in the gutter

Major is a military rank; mayor is an elected civilian position.

We all remember the D&C Show from the past – it’s twenty years now since they died – or did they? Here’s a video clip of Debbie and Cheby singing their signature Sandwich Song on their first show.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Kichererbsen kicken nicht.


legged it  recipe

Er hat das Porzellan-Syndrom.
Er, was ist das?
Er hat einen Riss in der Schüssel.

scary fairy

picture gallery 4

Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross,
To see a fine lady upon a white horse;
Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes,
And she shall have music wherever she goes.

Need an ersatz ping-pong ball?
Squeeze the ball out of a used roll-on deodorant and wash it,
and Robert's your father's brother.

Irish Brexit

sparkle and glint

hard Brexit

bath chap and bath trap

There's a dog clutch in my microwave.

Some of my stories are funny, in both senses of the word, both funny ha ha and funny peculiar. But not many funny stories, which literally means jokes. Or perhaps all of my stories are one big joke. You choose.

I went to see who I was and I didn't.

Does your tinnitus sound like The Skye Boat Song or Men of Harlech?

it's going wrong
he doesn't want me
he doesn't need me
I need him
I want him
it's going wrong

Try the new triple in town, the new double Carol and Betty and the new quintuple 9gals!

dog clutch and pawl

Humour is like a dead dog on the path.
It may make you laugh or shock you.
But very few people will cut it open
to find out what's inside.

tinkel, tankel, tonkel
ich hab' einen Onkel
tinkelt, tankelt, tonkelt
er hat meine Tant' gebonkelt

I'm a little teapot
Short and stout
Tip me over
and pour me out!

Is it durdle-durdle-doop or durdle doop doop doop?

Ich bin der Seelentsorger vom Dienst.

“So, you've got a passport already, JimMEH?”
“Yeah, I needed it for the Ballermann trips.”
“Yer fly to Malle, go to Aldi's, buy a bucket,
some long drinking straws, and bottles of
red plonk and fruit juice; and you're away.”

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Your hands are shaking.
It's the DEE-TEEs.
delirium tremens

I made a big jar of pickled onions today; it'll be ready in one month.

my PCdisinfectantmy armyMad PersonMum's songs

It was a 1950s story of a family flying across the English Channel for a French holiday with a Morris Minor named AMY.

We flew from Lympne to Beauvais in a Dakota for a Easter weekend in Paris and stayed in the Rue de Moscou.

Jamaica? No, I gave her arsenic.

My breakfast today was Big Tone's omelette  recipe

how not to €uro 6

I like green olives, I like black olives,
but why use olive-green coloured paint or plastic?
Just dismal, ugly and horrible – uninviting.
Olives stuffed with anchovies are pretty awful too.

Mr Micawber's famous, and oft-quoted, recipe for happiness:
Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen [pounds] nineteen [shillings] and six [pence], result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery.
Charles Dickens, David Copperfield

Lsd: old money system using pounds, shillings, and pence (pence being the plural of penny). Under this system, there were 12 pence in a shilling and 20 shillings, or 240 pence, in a pound. See £sd and farthing.

He's the accelerant on a flame that was already there.

Ideal als 2. Gerät für den Keller oder die Oberetage.

Little dogs are yappy
and some of them
are just like the stuff
you pull out of
the plughole in the shower.

That gets heated
and then I eat it.

Das Leben in Düngerdorf stinkt.

office daze

9-part Sandhurst sequence
13-part story of the girl in white

As I look back in my life
does not mean reading my old bank statements.

If your botty-hole itches use some white zinc crème on it.

You're not human.
I never said I was.

An old newspaper advert:
Keep Your Mimsy Clean
A daily wash with new Lux kebab soap (for women)
will freshen up your flaps
and stop it stinking like an old kipper.

Go over the edge with this two-part war story or this 31-part story.

chocky-coffee: 1 teaspoon powered coffee, 2 sweeteners or 1 teaspoon sugar, 1½ teaspoon (cooking) cocoa in a mug, add hot water (after it has stopped boiling) and milk/cream to taste. Stir vigorously.

It's about as useless as a bridge made of peeled bananas.

Grovel in the hovel.

It's hard to hide a birthday surprise
when it's a new flower bed.

Sudan actually has almost twice as many pyramids as Egypt.

The skeleton had no hyoid.

There aren't any zebras, the biggest size is N (39 cm difference between bust and underbust circumference).

Es ist November, ich bin am Ende des Monats eingeladen, ein Advents­essen, Gänse­braten. Was soll ich mitbringen, ich hatte und habe keine Ahnung, soll ich jedem eine Geschichte, eine Erzählung schreiben? Weiter lesen...

Um die Gans zu würzen, rät Hamann: „Reiben Sie die Gans innen und außen gut mit Salz und Pfeffer ein, und nehmen Sie außer Salz und Pfeffer nur Majoran! Viele Köche verwenden auch Beifuß. Der gibt dem Braten aber schnell einen leicht bitteren Geschmack. Majoran hingegen ist nicht so streng im Geschmack und ist daher die feinere Würze.“ Majoran sowie Beifuß können getrocknet oder frisch verwendet werden.



I don't need a name for you. I know who you are. You are the one who goes to sleep with your arm inside my rib cage clutching my heart. How could I not know who you are.

The Guardian on Brexit: if Britain were truly to walk out with no accord at all, planes would be grounded, and customs paperwork would increase fivefold – instantly leading to endless queues and gridlocked roads at the ports, and fresh produce rotting on the Dover dockside. Prices would rocket, supply chains would collapse, and everyone would be worse off. It's worth studying the detail: it's all bad. Jonathan Freedland on Brexit

EU on Brexit: our main finding is that the available studies largely agree that Brexit will inflict losses on both sides. All studies agree that the losses will be considerably larger for the UK than for the EU27. Only in very pessimistic scenarios would the losses for the EU27 reach a significant size. An Assessment of the Economic Impact of Brexit on the EU27

unnecessary pain

I got a set of calibrated anal dilators for my birthday.

Wikipedia – In music or music theory an eleventh is the note eleven scale degrees from the root of a chord and also the interval between the root and the eleventh. The interval can be also described as a compound fourth, spanning an octave plus a fourth. Since there are only seven degrees in a diatonic scale the eleventh degree is the same as the subdominant. The eleventh is considered highly dissonant with the third.A perfect eleventh is an eleventh which spans exactly 17 semitones. It can be also described as a compound perfect fourth, spanning an octave plus a perfect fourth.

He licked all thirteen of his fingers.
He knew what he wanted.

little ugly schoolgirl

How do you know in a bag of jelly babies who is illegitimate?
Hold the bag upside-down and all the bastards fall out.

Click or tap on  next story➤  at the bottom right of most pages to read the next story.

Next week: Toothbrushes – How to locate and clean the right orifice. And don't miss our cut-out-and-keep guide to wiping your behind without ruining the curtains.

You are so scatological !

I used to sit in the hall window and
watch the buses on the London Road.
The red buses went to Reading,
but the green buses went to Aldershot.

Lying on the beach is as interesting as lying in a flowerbed at home.

They lived at Camwood Lodge.

They looked like 4-year-olds, but were 4 metres tall. They walked around the town knocking everybody down. One pissed on a policeman and drowned him. They walked on further.

If your parents had no children, there's a good chance that you won't either.

About three hours later the front door opened with a crash, the clothes stand went flying, the bookcase that Henni had made with bricks and planks was reduced to rubble and with a big WHUMP Betty landed on the floor. She could see light from under a door, she crawled into the room and looked sheepishly at Henni and Chris.
“Wonderful entrance you've just made, Betty, you look like what the cat just brought in.” Continue reading...

He stood there with a replacement large intestine and anus draped over his arm.

What does a windbreak not do?

No trains at Evercreech Junction.

Elizabeth was sort of soft, but also quite lumpy, as if she had eaten many cans of corned beef, but without opening the cans... Continue reading...

1 January 1970 – The age of majority for most legal purposes was reduced from 21 to 18 under terms of the Family Law Reform Act 1969.

She was the only one to win against the punch bag, she had smashed it across the room against the wall and had ruined it. No one had done that... Continue reading...

Big Tone's omelette  recipe

I'm outside, the wind is coming into my face. It's not burning right, what shall I do, what shall I do? The wind comes from all sides, the music is too loud, what shall I do?

Das Leben in Düngdorf stinkt.

how not to €uro 4

Getting married this spring?
Then, don't forget on your wedding gift list
TWO milk jugs
cus they're the first to break.

She didn't want candles, cuz they could set light to her hair.

hot cross buns and my hot cross buns  recipe

She's a very naughty girl. She's into disappearing and reappearing. She especially likes hitting the Vicar, but she does not like being shouted at or being hit with a cane, she just wants to disappear and be somewhere... Continue reading...

Coming up soon in your country (in reverse Polish notation):
Gun! Foot! Shoot! Foot! Shoot!

One of the policemen was wearing a cherry tree tied to his back. It was in flower – pretty pink blossoms. Every time he moved about it rained pink petals on his head and shoulders.

Mad Person

Black Hearts  recipe

Chop your own wood – it will warm you twice.

It was the third day of the honeymoon and Betty was teaching the two of them the plumber's doorstop. It is not a very enjoyable position, you need to be very fit, but it's good for making babies. Betty was happy, the two were making progress.

Wayback Machine to explore more than 279 billion web pages saved over time

Yes, I've written about you – You who read my stories. And who I think you are, but hopefully not who I want you to be. Many websites have an ABOUT US link, but not many ABOUT YOU!

Do you wash potatoes in your washing machine?

I squeezed it and out came all this pus.

Battered babies may be served with chips.

Ich habe Seetang in meinem rechten Auge.


Panierte Kinder dürfen nicht serviert werden.


Put food in your mouth from time to time.

Could do, but won't.

Mal passant, no dogs.

Hattie ist Katies Schwester. Ich mag Hattie.
Hattie sagt, ich bin süß. Ich mag Katie.
Hattie sagt, dass sie komische Ideen hat. Ich denke Hattie ist... Weiter lesen...  Deutch

It was Colonel Mustard in the library with a can of peaches.

If you don't know the difference between viscous and vicious you may come to a sticky end.

The greenies have taken over the island, there are not many humans left. Jim Power has been sent to contact a group of survivors, if he can find any. He has a companion, a satellite telephone, some lead-barium pellets, a gun and something very... Continue reading...

Who the hell are you?
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present.
But it's August.
I have come to warn you...
that there will be no Christmas in August.
How did you know that?

spandrels and architraves

Robert is your father's brother.

about numbers

Schon deinen Freunden vom erzählt?

time zones

A toddler in a 70-year-old body is an ugly thing.

Does your best friend know that you read ?
You'll have to tell her, you know.

Did you see Xmas biscuits in Lidl at the start of September?
I saw a left-over chocolate Father Xmas next to the Easter eggs in Aldi last January.

Mum's songs

Read   RenésatelliteSandhurstonionno boysEndabrickboilkickunsaidFaygirl in whitetooD&Cof corpsesword and balloon

Your vacuum cleaner sucks.

All the multi-part stories are at good read;
use the site map to find everything on this website.

Daffodils are honest.
Tulips are insincere.
Dahlias are lurid.

Now is the time to tell all your friends, all the people you know and
of course all your enemies about   your favourite story website.

Who regularly incites political violence and is a serial liar, rampant xenophobe, racist, misogynist and birther who has repeatedly pledged to ban all Muslims – 1.6 billion members of an entire religion – from entering the U.S.

Perhaps I had eaten a policeman on the way home.

German stories

It's better than a kick in the head with a pointed stick.

You would think that this would drive any normal person crazy, but he was not normal and had always been crazy.


Do you want to print this?

Read B  gets kicked and Torkle and bottom and kettle and brick and Toby and Curate

Now is the time to tell all your friends, all the people you know and of course all your enemies about your favourite story website.
Offcuts is a large collection of bits and pieces, miscellaneous, odds and ends, jumble, all sorts, this and that, odds and sods, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, excerpts and words and pictures and tips and recipes. Some are even stories, most are what Big Tone would call “Pieces Of Nonsense”. Try offcuts for the newest offcuts and index of titles and links and top ten links.

in and around the Story Kettle and in 2012-2015 and in 2009-2011 and in 2007-2008

list of all stories

This site is all about stories, it's full of stories.
Just click on a title and read a story.
There are lots of stories here.
Click on more titles and read more stories.

new offcuts and list of all offcuts   D-J   K-Q   R-Z   and offcuts 2016 and 2015 and 2014