Machines do it all now.

StoryKettle » Clone » standardised

Copyright © 2010, Michael M Wayman

Everything is standardised. It's no fun being a doctor any more. There are machines to do everything.

Got a bad tooth? Easy! Just clamp the BUCAL machine on the face and press the button. It's that easy. It goes round the mouth twice to bang out any original teeth left, shoves a complete set of plastic teeth into the mouth, and screws them into position. It don't look pretty, but it works and is free of charge.

But who needs teeth? Just stay in front of the TV all day and visit the NUT once a day – it's all FOOC.

I suppose I'll have to explain that to you. The TV is a machine that shows pictures all day – it is very popular. The NUT is the nutrition machine, totally automatic. Just stand there for two minutes, it pours liquid food into one hole and sucks waste out of another hole, totally automatic; however you need a lower OTT first. But that is FOOC too, that is free of charge.

The organ transplant machine that does the lower OTT is really clever. I've watched it – fascinating. First it sucks out the intestines out of only one hole, and then the liver and kidneys and the other unnecessary organs. Then it installs the ASAP, the artificial replacement, it plumbs it in and installs the two pipes for the NUT.

And it does this all in ten minutes – really clever. The company that makes them is called GUTMASTER.

The machines are clever – all I have to do is to press the buttons. OK, I have to press the right button. Though when I press the wrong button, it is not so bad. Once I pressed the button for the FOOTSIE machine, not the HANDY. The HANDY machine chops off both hands and glues on plastic ones – this is good for a hurting finger. But having four plastic feet is no great problem – who needs hands to watch TV?

I could tell you about the machines all day, totally FOOC. But I'd rather tell you about the young woman who came to see me yesterday – a bit ODD, that is strange.

ZITS had told her to have an ARTY. Nothing ODD about that, but she used long words, very strange. The big computer in the sky had informed her to have children, for which she needed artificial insemination.

That's not all. She looked ODD – she had no plastic on her, no bolt heads, no pipes, no metal plates, nothing. She wasn't ugly, rather ODD, almost pretty, most strange.

“I will have to give you an ASBO first. I've gotta check for abnormalities on your body. Just whip your clothes off and lie on the couch.”

Of course I've got a machine for this, but my ASBO, automatic scanner for bodily bits, is broken – I dropped it accidentally on the floor, five times. So I use PALPO.

Now that is a silly word – it means I use my hands. It can take a long time, especially with pretty girls.

I explained about the ARTY, it guarantees a baby with only one shot and naturally FOOC, free of charge. I also explained about REALTY which does the same job, but without a machine. However no guarantee – it must be repeated several times – and not FOOC.

“Yeah, the ARTY is not much fun, not that it hurts, just ten seconds, but no fun. REALTY is much better.”

I pressed the PALPO and OK buttons on the keyboard, because ZITS, the big computer in the sky, wants to know everything, that I'd done a PALPO and that everything was all correct.

She said that she had no money for a REALTY, though she knew that it was a better treatment.

“Oh, I've got time. I gave you a really long PALPO. I'll give you a REALTY FOOC.”

She found it strange that I had so much time – didn't I watch TV?

I had a problem watching TV until I got one of the first GUTMASTER machines. Yes, it had those silly little problems that new machines have. One morning it hummed, very loudly, it was annoyed. I knew that it was annoyed, because it hummed loudly. I knew why it was annoyed, because I hadn't used it for two days.

The TV showed a picture of a person, the GUTMASTER got excited and installed an ASAP in the TV. I pressed the SOUP button on the GUTMASTER for a software update. The GUTMASTER is fine now, so is the TV, it doesn't show pictures any more, that is an improvement.

I pressed the button on the ARTY machine – that would keep ZITS happy. I pushed the end of the ARTY into a hole that I had especially made in a cupboard, and inseminated the cupboard. One day I must clean out the cupboard.

She really liked the REALTY. I told her to come the next day for another REALTY – keep coming until it works.

“UNO!” she said. “There is something really HB about you.”

“HB? What's that?”

“Are you a human being?”

Have you read inside and Kim and the source of the Nile?