Offcuts from the Story Kettle

Offcuts archive for years 2020-2022

bits and pieces, miscellaneous, excerpts, odds and ends, pictures, jumble, all sorts, scraps, jokes, this and that, odds and sods, words, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, tips, recipes, stories at random and COLLECTIONS

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Please recommend the StoryKettle to all your friends, and especially to your enemies!

There are now over 1200 pieces of content on this website.



Don't eat yellow broccoli!

Are you so dim that your parents never called you "son"?

Mrs Tinge stories at fit Miss Tee Vee and Mrs Tinge gets it and Mrs Tinge stops and the Carnival Sequence

His name was oblique, they called him twisted nib.

He washed me under the shower, like he always does.

Merry Advent and much glow

Xmas stories and Weihnachten 2014  Deutch

Funny, nobody was upset that Jake was gone. Nobody liked him. When his parents came back from holiday they were pleased too. They didn't contact the police. He was gone. And that was it, he was gone and you don't feel sorry about someone who has just gone away.

Gentlemen are requested to adjust their dress before leaving.

Tiptoe through the tulips with me.


Most of the girls lived at the school – we called them the inmates. Some girls lived not so far away – their parents brought them to the school every day – some girls actually walked to school. These were the day girls.

Please recommend the StoryKettle to all your friends, and especially to your enemies!

Was tutst du hier?
Du bist hinter mir.

jokes 05

I have recently added new stories to Amy and bulges and dotty and quaint and granny.

My Tourette's syndrome came back, words that were not true, words that were hateful, words that were terribly wrong, words that came from goodness knows where.

Do not alight here!

A double-sided sandwich is a sandwich that can be eaten by two people at the same time.

golden girls9gals!F.U.U.S.A.Saturday afternoonoffice daze

Every girl has a hobby, everyone has to have a hobby. On Wednesday afternoons the sewing, crosspoint and embroidery club meets, the hockey teams play, the natural history group sticks pins into small animals, the chess group slowly moves pieces of wood... All terribly uninteresting!
And what about me? “Oh, I can skin rabbits and snakes. Oh, and shoot 'em first.”
No, no, no! No one wanted to know that. Young girls don't do...   Continue reading...

Are you a pachyderm or a pantechnicon?

stories at random

So if you want a new battery for your thing go to Jennifer. Or if you want a new thing, Jennifer has it, in every colour and size, be it small, medium, large or painful.

jokes 04

I could have cried all night.

Do you want to print this?
calendar for birthdays

I hate those Russian dolls, don't you?
They're so full of themselves.

Go to Helen Hunt for it!

granny is not my grandmother. I close my eyes and pretend that she is my grandmother. She closes her eyes and pretends that I'm a little boy named Johnnie. It's great fun.
The House on the Headland is a long story in small parts.
Bulges: Why do girls say they have too many bulges and too few bulges? And why do boys say that girls have too many bulges?

What is the best way to kill ants?
Hit your uncle's wife on the head with a hammer!

Betty is an old favourite, she has starred in a hundred of my stories and now she meets the cat.

Spin my daughter!

I think you'll find too stories are two much.
A new story for Frau Alpert. A band of people on the border between happiness and madness. Frau Alpert, Betty, Jack, Bob, Lampshade and Steffie are waiting for you.

Tally sticks were useful in 1834.

The nasty man from the nasty party.

He had a notch in his cycle clips.

What about SPAM fritters with Flying-Goose? I opened a 300 gm (97 nautical tons) can of SPAM and cut it into six horizontal slices, enough for two people. I fried the slices in a pan with a little oil, till they were brown and crisp on both sides. I coated the top side with Flying Goose Hot Chilli Sauce. Very nice, I must say. See Sriracha.

Mitten in der Nacht wachte er auf und rief:
You are him!

He woke up in the middle of the night and shouted:
You are him!

You can wear tracksuit bottoms if you are ill, but please not over your head.

He was a rising butt hinge.

It was chocolate. It was white. It was a white, chocolate Father Xmas. She opened her mouth wide and put the small end of the Father Xmas in her mouth. I had no choice.

What are menchalettes?

My stories are not extraordinary.
My stories are unordinary.

How high is the snow?

Rock it to you!

The manky brush was an old tooth brush.

He used a pair of scissors to detail a load of fish.
It's my crossword clue: rudderless fish.

Karlie Hundespielzeug Nylon Vanille Knochen:
four sizes – Great Fun!

About nieces and nephews: A niece-in-law or nephew-in-law is the spouse of one's nephew/niece, or the nephew/niece of one's spouse. A co-niece-in-law or co-nephew-in-law is the spouse of one's niece-in-law or nephew-in-law. A sororal niece or sororal nephew is the child of one's sister. That is niece to know.

Ziemlich blöd, nicht wahr.

Ben T Neadles R bad.

Octopuses have more than one heart. An octopus has one main, systemic heart that pumps blood to the whole of its body. But it also has two additional hearts, responsible for pumping blood over each of its gills.

Partly German

Whitehall 1212 and 4711

As president, his eccentric behaviour caused some consternation. It all culminated when, late one night, 24 May 1920, he fell out of a large window of the presidential train near Montargis after taking some sleeping pills and was found wandering in his nightshirt by a platelayer.

I enjoyed a misspent youth.

A lonely man drinks coffee from a cup without a saucer.

Ich möchte 103 Jahre alt werden.
Dann, viel üben!

Treakle Sand, you are so forgiving.
Treakle Sand, I want you home.
Treakle Sand, I need your ...
Treakle Sand, I want you home.

As closed three-dimensional objects we human beings are mostly convex in form, a little bit concave – the most convex parts we call bulges.

He was just an outer join.

Right, I'll try to write right with my right, as is my right, and if I succeed I'll be a word wright, provided I right the wrong and keep things from keeling over, a righting writing rite, alright?

Sprotten sind nicht Sprossen.

Tuff Titties!

Don't fall asleep when you are driving!
You might not wake up again.

Christmas comes but once a year, bringing lots of joy and cheer.

Christmas comes but once a year, but when it does, it brings good cheer.

No, no, no! I’ve never bitten the head off anybody, not even a chocolate Father Xmas.

You are the best thing that has happened to me since Father Xmas.

Cheer yourself up by shoving a chocolate Father Xmas up your lowermost orifice.

There were nine girls sitting on the rocks at Big Bend on the river. When we came back an hour later, the girls were still there, looking as clueless as before. Amy asked the girls how they were doing. “We're just sitting here.” “We don't know what we going to do.” “No, no idea.” All nine of them answered, one after another, each as clueless as each other. Amy asked where...   Continue reading...

Who is Julie Flangechanger?

Hier kommt die Maus!

narny sandwich

Nicht Geburt, Heirat oder Tod, sondern die Gastrulation ist der wichtigste Moment in Ihrem Leben.

Try to avoid falling flechettes!

Ho! Ho! Ho!
She was fine,
I loved her,
And she was mine.

I want to hold you tight,
Did I hold you tight?
Did I do it right?

He took the train from Stalbridge.

Josiah Sequin meets Jeremiah Toastrack.

We took the glass in a hand with four fingers.

B and P are explosive.

No straight lines in the dark.

He was only there for three days in the week.

Er war nur drei Tage der Woche im Haus;
man nennt ihn Dimido.


hot cross buns and hot cross buns  recipe

Be so kind and place your uppermost extremity into your lowermost orifice.


price, prise, prize

Are you Aurelia Flangechanger?

Ich konnte nicht sagen.

Doing the ton on the bypass.

Don't go around killing people; it's bad manners.

Her Ceramic Resonance.

... but Esoc was not normal and had always been crazy.

Dinxperlo is in the Netherlands.

odd things happen

A little bit of destruction and mayhem makes the world go round.

The Politicians' Guide to Compulsory Trepanation.

... only the last bit when they stuck a big needle into my head
and sucked out half of my brains.

Two peanuts walking along the Strand,
one was assaulted.

Six-Oh-Ate was an android.

What's the difference between the police and a magician?
One does cunning stunts.

The human body is mostly convex in shape and form, the bigger convex parts are called bulges.

I was violated and penetrated – and I liked it.

What's the difference between a steam loco and a tree?
One sheds its leaves.

I must go down to the sea again,
to the lonely sea and the sky,
because I left my shoes and socks there
and I wonder if they're dry.

To put the N back into cuts!

Do your friends know that you read ?
You'll have to tell them all, you know. Why do you do it ?

Schon deinen Freunden vom erzählt?

the truth about men

How to print a story

She asked about you and my face all creased up.

Es brillig war. Die schlichten Toven
Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-mümsige Burggoven
Die mohmen Räth' ausgraben.

O las.
So las.

Xmas tips

I find the epithet Giftzwerg, which means poisonous dwarf, particularly nasty.

I run through all your walls, er, doors.

What I want to be is to be in love with you.

We called him the gravel man, because he got into the lift between the floors.

We stopped him going into the room on the other side of the window; we were on the eighth floor.

The man who used brain freshener.

Daylight Saving Time begins at 2am on the first Sunday in October, when clocks are put forward one hour. It ends at 2am (which is 3am Daylight Saving Time) on the first Sunday in April, when clocks are put back one hour.

Ziemlich blöd, nicht wahr.

hot star buns  recipe

Oh Aunty! That's funny place to keep the hairbrush.

The man who used brain freshener.

Maybe, maybe I'll soon be flying kites again.

Wind on the coast.

The wind that blew your heart away.

This made me joyful.

Wisdom is for me very much to the right,
for I have lost my two left wisdom teeth.

Trafalgar is a cape near Gibraltar.

The man who used hand cream.

TIP: Avocados are often hard (not ripe) when you buy them. To speed up the ripening place the avocados in a bag with a ripe apple(s).

Tis my baby and I rock her.

You said that you would leave me if I hurt you.

In der Nacht war er nackt.

jokes 03

I met you as a young man.

We hear you, the glass just burst.


Good that we have stopped the train here, the signal gantry just before the viaduct would have sliced you up a treat.

A · bit • dotty.

An arrow> another arrow› another arrow‣ another arrow❭ another arrow❯ another arrow❱ another arrow➔ another arrow➛ another arrow➜ another arrow➝ another arrow➞ another arrow➡ another arrow➤ another arrow➧ another arrow➨ another arrow➵ another arrow➸ another arrow➾

We will occasionally use this arrow notation unless there is danger of no confusion.

Who am I?   I spend most of my time in your kitchen, where I sometimes get very hot. I'm very dangerous and I live in a steel cage – don't get too close. I'm a radio transmitter on 2.45 GigaHertz and I excite little atoms.   Who am I?

jokes 02

TIP: If your phone won't charge, the charger plug often falls out and you keep the thing in your pocket, it could be that the charger socket is full of fluff. Try removing the belly-button-lint with a toothpick.

The words score, gross, stone and fortnight will go the way of rod, pole or perch.

James Bond, Miss World, the Eurovision Song Contest and the Winsor family belong to the past.

Don't anthropomorphise computers. They don't like it.

taste of England

You need your big toes, otherwise you would fall over.

Are you digitigrade, plantigrade or unguligrade?


You would help me through the days.

Half a dialogue is not a monologue.

We met Heinz-Otto and Elfriede on a street in Potsdam.

Everything black: Black Duck and Black Lamb and black kettle and Black Hearts

The river that changes sex and name:
The Moselle river rises in France and is feminine – la Moselle.
At Schengen it becomes the border between Luxembourg and Germany:
feminine on the left bank – d'Musel
and male on the right bank – der Mosel.
After 544km the Mosel discharges into the Rhine at the Deutsches Eck in Koblenz.

Horses do not have a clavicle.

The two seatbelts cost ten shillings and six pence and a packet top from a box of Shredded Wheat. There were three tapped holes each for the front seats, but none for the rear bench seat.

The HA had four on the floor.

You are the best thing that has happened to me.

how not to €uro 7

a collection of old jokes, bad yokes and sick folks

I say, I say, my dog is an ironmonger.
An ironmonger?
Yes, every time I kick the dog he makes a bolt for the door.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To reach the other side.

What holds up the telephone wires in Poland?

It's all over the house.
The roof.

If your parents had no children the chances are that you won't either.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's a little lighter.

I say, I say, my dog has no nose.
How does it smell?

The cure for water on the brain, is a tap on the knee.

Doctor, doctor, I'm suffering from acne.
Then move to Walthamstow.

What goes "ha ha bonk"?
A man laughing his head off.

Who was that lady that I saw you with last night?
That was no lady.
That was my wife.

It was her birthday and he said:
There's a jaguar in the garage for you.
She went down to the garage and the jaguar bit her head off.

Our microwave oven is too small,
the department leader does not fit in at all!

Why did the washing machine laugh?
Because it was taking the piss out of your pants!

necrophilia = deadly boring

paedophilia = childishly boring

incest = a game all the family can play except mummy and daddy

What's red and lies in the gutter? A dead bus.

What's red and lies in the corner?
A baby with a plastic bag over its head.

I don't like my sister.
Well, put her on the edge of your plate.

Mummy, Mummy, why am I going round in circles?
Shut up! Or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

Three lawyers up to their necks in quicksand –
what's the problem?
Not enough quicksand.

What's the difference between Mrs Thatcher and a bucket of excrement?

TIP: you can insert the name of your nemesis into these jokes.

Following a climate crisis meeting there are 5 world leaders on a plane that is crashing to the ground but there are only 4 parachutes for President Macron, President Putin, President Trump, the Dalai Lama and the 17 year old Greta Thunberg.
President Macron grabs a chute and jumps off the plane shouting “Viva la France!” President Putin does the same saying “I need to be re-elected until 2036 to lead the Russians”. President Trump says “I’m a genius, the smartest man in America and I am destined to save the USA”, grabs a chute and jumps off the plane.
The Dalai Lama turns to Greta and says “You have your whole life in front of you and a mission to save the planet, you take the last parachute.” Greta says “No need, there are 2 parachutes left, Trump took my school bag.”

How many times have I heard that one – different celebs every time.

A funny story is not a story, but a joke. See jokes 01 and not funny and funny clothes

the politics of food

I wanted to revenge myself for her attack on me the previous day. When she had her back turned to me, I pushed her flat onto the carpet and knelt on her back. She couldn't move and I dug my fingers and teeth into her – I had my fun. Oh, was she annoyed “You are an awful girl. You are plain evil. Even I have never done that to another person. And I thought that you were such a nice, pretty little girl, as good as gold. But oh no, you are a perverted monster. You are a vicious, evil witch”. “Oh!” I said innocently “Didn't you like it?” “You ask me if I liked it after I just called you an evil, retched, callous, violent devil of a girl? Of course I liked it. Do it again!” At last I thought, an adult who really understands me.

Jaguars, leopards, lions and tigers can roar.
Lynx, pumas, cougars, cheetahs and cats can purr.
They can all meow.

Your heart is crying loudly
Your voice is breaking clear
You need not take this road
Your emotional overload


recipe links and my recipes

1-2-3 Cut off your knee!
4-5-6 Decapitate your ex!

Ziemlich blöd hier.

Frau Alpert

The recording head on the wire recorder goes up and down.

I need someone in my life and it's got to be you.

It was music that grabbed your heart from behind and wrenched it this way and that way and some other way too.

I can run rings around your tori.

A lady does not make herself pretty, she makes herself prettier.

Are toroids tort?

Molten glass conducts electricity.

Oh Painted Knife!

I don't hurt other people's feelings by telling them the truth.

Vlotho is in North Rhine-Westphalia.

In which drawer does she keep her drawers.

Do you keep your drawers in drawers?

He had two noses, each with one nostril.

I know where my desires will take me.

What does the butler do?
He looks after the butts in the buttery.

1-2-3-4 Take the lady by the paw!
5-6-7-8 Kick the dog and don't be late!

Ministry of Funin townCarol and BettyBetty's Bunsbrave bidet

chocky-coffee  recipe

If I was his mum I'd be enquiring about post natal abortions.

Betty is an old favourite, she has starred in eighty of my stories and now she meets the cat...   Continue reading...

A friend of mine once worked on a software project for the Chilean Navy and filled the messages area of the hard disk (a five Megabyte drive the size of a refrigerator) with the text Felices Pascuas. Apparently when the software screwed up it would print the two words on the console teleprinter. It does not mean what you think it means.

About me and about you and privacy and excerpts

Camberley is next to Frimley and part of Hastings.
Search "Hastings Camberley" to discover the awful truth about Camberley. And Frimley.


tinkel, tankel, tonkel
ich hab' einen Onkel
tinkelt, tankelt, tonkelt
er hat meine Tant' gebonkelt

I'm a little teapot
Short and stout
Tip me over
and pour me out!

I don't need a name for you. I know who you are. You are the one who goes to sleep with your arm inside my rib cage clutching my heart. How could I not know who you are.

One of the policemen was wearing a cherry tree tied to his back. It was in flower – pretty pink blossoms. Every time he moved about it rained pink petals on his head and shoulders.

Do you wash potatoes in your washing machine?

Did you see Xmas biscuits in Lidl at the start of September?
I saw a left-over chocolate Father Xmas next to the Easter eggs in Aldi last January.

Mum's songs

Perhaps I had eaten a policeman on the way home.

old jokes

German stories

INTJs are analytical problem-solvers, eager to improve systems and processes with their innovative ideas. They have a talent for seeing possibilities for improvement, whether at work, at home, or in themselves.

list of all stories

This site is all about stories, it's full of stories.
Just click on a title and read a story.
There are lots of stories here.
Click on more titles and read more stories.

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