bits and pieces, miscellaneous, odds and ends, jumble, all sorts, scraps, this and that, odds and sods, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, excerpts and words and pictures and tips and recipes
Happy Rantings and Ravings!
Xmas is coming:
Advent Apple 
and
Xmas tips
and
soap and candles
and
how to baste
- In the first class at school:
- teacher:
- Next week is the Xmas party, children.
- little voice:
- Please Miss, when is next week?
Sometimes I need your help!
Manchmal brauche ich deine Hilfe.
After invading Australia Adolf Hitler paid a visit to Ayers Rock and said that he would like a Vegemite sandwich before attacking New Zealand.
Wo ist der Schwimmer im deinem Klo?
Print your own BIRTHDAY CALENDAR
Hugh Paddick pushing a little lawn mower to and fro
and singing “Eine kleine Mähmaschine.”
The term comes from the trail of bread crumbs left by Hansel and Gretel in the popular fairytale.
Beschnittenes Brot bitte!
altar – table for killing animals on.
I've got toes at the end of my feet.
brother
You play with an ogre who is not there.
He was never so large.
He mended your clothes.
He was never so certain.
He is still there.
Worauf steht ein Blumentopf?
ring
He wanted to know.
He took it off.
How many years?
He wanted to know.
He put it back on.
Die Analität des Wachstums ist enorm!
I sit here.
I know that I am crazy.
So it is.
The neighbours know that.
That I am crazy.
No one can change this.
I sit here.
Vorne pfui, hinten pfui!
We live on a tilted planet.
The baby screams.
Does it sound horrible?
Does it sound beautiful?
Is someone strangling the baby?
The baby screams.
Does it sound beautiful!
Is someone strangling the baby?
Oooooh! Twist that little neck!
Hast Du Salz an den Kartoffeln?
green orbs dancing in your water glass
green spheres dancing in your water glass
green grapes dancing in a glass of fizzy water
distinquich is not distinguished
“Politicians that I have known and eaten”
Für die nächste Übung benötigen Sie zwei tiefgefrorene Putenbeine.
Halten Sie die zwei Beine je in einer Hand, hoch über den Kopf,
und singen:
Wir nehm'n die Putenbeine. Bang! Bang!
Wir schlag'n sie zusammen. Bang! Bang!
Tanzen Sie in einen kleinen Kreis und
wiederholen Sie die Übung bis die Putenbeine getaut sind.
every day is not everyday
Are dogs the only animals that go around
with their arse holes stuck up in the air?
All the ball bearings were in the left side of my head and one by one they rolled over to the right side of my head. My brain was being reset.
Wind schlägt die Äste von den Bäumen.
Tote Eule auf dem Rasen.
Wolken in einer Autobahn.
Wintersturm so gefährlich.
Perhaps I had eaten a policeman on the way home.
I'm the sort of person that likes to have his back to the wall.
Red stripe on the ceiling?
Put the top back on the tomato ketchup!
genocide in Bagshot
I've got Potsdam on my mind.
rant and rave
what does it bring?
I am your lover.
klebrige Rübensirupgeschichten 
Print your own Herb and Spice Chart
You are not a man.
You are not a woman.
You are a hunter.
There was a naked girl lying face down on the bed.
Well, I've got to have somewhere to park the bike.
I had with my steak,
onions, mushrooms and peaches all fried together.
er hat sich betankt.
Er heißt Dankwart,
er hat sich bedankt.
He strung a hammock between the trees.
But Peter I want all of you.
picture of the author covered in green paint
I was too late to the end of the bottle.
There was a naked girl lying face down on the bed:
bottoms
and
bottoms up
and
bottom free
and
bottom it
Do you want to print this?
Herb and Spice Chart
Do you want to print this?
BIRTHDAY CALENDAR
Klick auf den Kessel für Home!
Do you want to learn this?
English
herzlichen Dank für die Einladung zu Eurer Hochzeit am 31.04.1999.
Wir freuen uns und werden gern kommen.
Wir haben ein Zimmer im Hotel Alte Kloschüssel gebucht.
Alle Glückwünsche, Gertrud und Hans!
dog
eat
dog
I was a bit crazy then
but now I'm really crazy.
Dies ist zu viel für Dich!
Wood that I would steel them away.
I used to live in the White House
until I painted it yellow.
Now I live in the Yellow House.
Der Arzt wollte eine Hafenrundfahrt machen.
The world goes? the heaven or the dogs.
Er wollte noch einen Schnaps.
Er war total besoffen und stolperte.
Er zertrümmerte sein Gehirn total.
He sat in the corner and cried.
Gestern konnte ihm aber die Polizei nicht mehr helfen, ein Lkw hat ihn erwischt.
It was late in the last millennium.
You must not touch the Story Kettle with your bare fingers. Discard it. Take a freshly packed Story Kettle and open the package taking care not to touch the Story Kettle. Extract the Story Kettle with a clean pair of pointed pliers that have been dipped in alcohol, turpentine or isopropanol (not distilled water) and carefully place the Story Kettle in the supplied socket. Repeat the process until: The Story Kettle shines with a clear ray of blue light!
Mit kaltem Dichtstoff
auf dem bleichen Waschtisch.
Er war ein Vorwandelement.
Come to me!
I need you what!
Take that thing!
Who needs that now.
Over the hill is she not.
Ah my ideas are at end.
Oh my ideas are not for you.
Detlef Tankwart, Sandy Plomb, Feif Starr, Ellpi Gee, Hei Poy tun was?
Brain surgery using Whitworth spanners.
POST CARD
THE ADDRESS TO BE WRITTEN ON THIS SIDE
Big Bumpy was a VW camper.
Säbelzahntiger hatten stramme Beine.
Are you a target? Oh yes!
This website is aimed at the English and German speaking world.
I think I better not!
Kuhsaft ist weiß. Bienenklebe ist süß.
Ich habe alle Tassen, bloß der Schrank fehlt.
First Hildesheimer, then Mannheimer and then Alzheimer.
Erst Hildesheimer, dann Mannheimer und dann Alzheimer.
cremulator – a machine for pulverising burned bone into ash
Wrap your knuckles in a paper bag!
Hut mi din!
This is what my little brother said when he had hurt his head.
Battered babies are normally not deep fried.
Deckel drauf!
Bang at the legs and it could be right.
Saw you naked,
all without.
Did I want you?
No, without I.
Come to me!
Meine Billen sind kalt.
He put the hacksaw blade through the handle of the cup.
He sawed the handle off.
The people said that he was crazy.
How could he disappoint them?
Crimson daisies are what you don't need.
Collioure et Honfleur
He sat in the corner and cried.
Ehemann einbetoniert und verbrannt – aber nicht getötet.
Whenever I met Clothmop
she buried her head in my cleavage.
You probably think that I am arrogant.
What right have I to write about you?
eine mausetote Beutelratte wiederzubeleben.
Celebrate being one thousand when you reach 83 years and 4 months.
watchin' Captain Kangaroo
We met a dog's bone.
Or is it?
We met a dog's bonnet.
I can't read my own writing!
It was a scream that you did not want to hear again in your life;
outside on the Mile End Road a woman made her last sound.
Auf der A8 kam es zu einer Massenkarambolage.
Arrest that man, he's only got one thumb.
I used the indicative in the street the other day.
Ever seen twenty-year-olds playing like little kids in the snow?
Ever seen Australians in snow for the first time in their lives?
Remember to click on next➤ for the next story➤ in the sequence.
T-Hype ist dein Partner für Heuchelei!
Wo bin ich jetzt?
Brauchen wir so viel Technologie?
Did you write with a German-English dick-and-harry?
Write in a language, don't write with a language.
Don't argue with a man who is sharpening knives.
Fliegen ist für die Vögel!
There's a koala bear hanging in the tree at the bottom of the garden.
But I don't live in Australia,
and my better half says it's just an old plastic bag.
There's a koala bear hanging in the tree at the bottom of the garden.
Viscous dogs are hard to stir.
Please do not take Peggy downstairs!
Die Flasche, die Flasche, ich reibe sie gegen meine Wange.
If I go to a snake-bar, what do I get to eat?
In which country do people laugh at themselves?
There is a madman around and it's not me.
Ich möchte gern meinen eigenen Kopf einschlagen.
A bit repetitive!
The neighbours have finally got rid of their Xmas tree;
so I can throw all the offcuts from 2009 into
offcuts 2009
and start the new year 2010.
Where am I?
I must cry. I hear an old forgotten song on the radio.
I turn up the volume. Where am I? The tears run down my face.
Why do I do this? My upbringing says men don't cry.
That helps me none. Stream tears. I stand here and cry.
I have forgotten it.
Wirewind was a trawler.
Debbie and Cheby are well and truly dead.
We are living on the other side of the planet with Elvis and the two Perverts.
Man muss die Geschenke Gottes ausnutzen.
green flares and canned heat
Donut rises here
In the little town of Donutschlingen is the source of the Donut,
the great river that runs through most of our continent.
The nearby town of Donutquetschen also claims to have
the source of the Donut, a very deep pool which divers say,
reaches almost to the centre of the planet.
Das Etwas darf scharf sein, aber können Sie es sehen?
She was the sister of the guy.
Yeah, she was so big, with freckles in her face.
She looked at me.
What do'yer want from me?
You want I grab you under my arm and carry you away?
I followed her.
Where was she going to?
He rubbed his dirty knickers over the walls.
It made him feel better.
Oh, little girl, what are you dreaming about tonight?
How high is the snow is illegal in this country.
Fliegende Flügel
It's not true that some of the members of my family are mad,
some are crazy.
The red buses go to Reading because they are red.
sind auf Englisch. Es gibt Sammlungen von Kurzgeschichten –
siehe Sitemap. Es gibt Langgeschichten die aus Kurz-
geschichten bestehen – siehe GOOD READ – Beispiele
sind Frau Alpert und Cuthbert.
Remember to click on next➤ for the next story➤ in the sequence.
The neighbours have finally got rid of their Xmas tree;
so I can throw all the offcuts from 2009 into
offcuts 2009
and start the new year 2010.