Frau Alpert

is a woman who came to me from the far corners of my mind, from somewhere between M for madness and H for happiness. At first she brought me some of her odd ideas, later some of her odd friends. Her stories came together and became one big story, not that that could save her. Read about the band of people on the border between happiness and madness, read about Frau Alpert, Betty, Jack, Bob, Lampshade and Steffie and discover the mad and the happy.   Continue reading...

Excerpt from affair

I am having an affair with the Vicar's wife. We meet alone together at least twice in the week. I discovered this at the end of...   Continue reading...

Excerpt from granny stole it

I was late for Florence's party and I was all by myself. Everybody had got well stuck in, it was one of those parties. The doorbell rang, perhaps it was a girl for me.   Continue reading...

Ausschnitt aus Tunnel 

Ich weiß es nicht, war der Tunnel so lang? Ich bin gelaufen, nicht langsam und nicht schnell, aber erheblich lang, lebenslang. Ich konnte Licht sehen, ich konnte immer Licht sehen, war das Ende...   Weiter lesen...

Excerpt from Truth At Ten

We all remember the D&C Show from the past – it’s twenty years now since they died – or did they? Here’s a video clip of Debbie and Cheby singing their signature Sandwich Song on their first show.   Continue reading...

Excerpt from unsaid

Jeff came that evening, unexpectedly as usual. Jeff was Jim's best friend, the two of them were always together before I married Jim four years ago. “Oh, why don't you go out and get some pizzas?” No need to ask, they always ate Italian railway stations. After driving south for three hours I...   Continue reading...

Ausschnitt aus fliegen 

Seit Anfang des Jahres habe ich Komisches gehört. Ja, es gibt Priester, die fliegen. Ja, unmöglich. Aber ich habe mehr und mehr davon gehört. Ja, es könnte sehr hilfreich sein, die Kirchendachreparatur von oben zu inspizieren.   Weiter lesen...

Excerpt from waiting for Sugar-Pie

Sugar-Pie visits me almost every day. She's very pretty. She comes after school and I often help her with her homework. I'm at least twice her age. Why is she interested in me?   Continue reading...

Excerpt from pig

She stopped, I walked towards her, she walked to me, I stared at her, she stared at me. I can't say whether she was pretty or ugly. She was bigger than me, really big, and blond.
I had no choice. I told her what I wanted to do to her, in every little detail. I stared at her. She stared at me. I expected her to hit me, shout at me, walk away. I stared at her. She stared at me. She told me a lot too.
I understood nothing, just sometimes the word pig and once or twice the word pig.   Continue reading...

Excerpt from nice girl

We talked about this and that, until I made the mistake of asking her what her name was. Don't do that again! I don't have a name. She let me try to insist that she had a name, for a few minutes anyway. And then she said:
OK! Let me show you that I don't need one and don't have one. Sit on my lap, put your arms around me, put your tongue at the back of my throat and hold it there for five minutes. It seemed like a good idea. It was a good idea. Now, she said, there are billions of people on this planet, which one and I mean only one person out of several billions have you just kissed?   Continue reading...

Excerpt from collecting – the first Colin story

Last time I went there, the door opened very quickly and before I could open my mouth a voice cried “James is here! James is here!” Ten people were suddenly all around me, shouting “James is here!” They picked me up, carried me inside and paraded me at shoulder height all round the house, all the time shouting, with much pleasure and glee, without ceasing “James is here! James is here! James is here!” I thought that it was great fun, I did not think that perhaps they meant to harm me, perhaps I would get something nice to eat. It was quite exciting.   Continue reading...

Excerpt from Achim and the golden duck

Achim sat on a bench by the lake every day, well, most days.
I don't see a golden duck every day, in fact, not even once a week, in fact, I have never seen a golden duck here. Yes, I must tell myself, I have never seen a golden duck, in fact, I don't know what a golden duck looks like.   Continue reading...

Excerpt from dog

It, the dog, was standing in the corner, it wasn't happy. I'll take it for a walk. It had a collar. I bent down to tie some string to it, I must buy a lead, and the dog looked at me as if I was going to stick a sword through it.
That broke my heart.   Continue reading...

Excerpt from kick in the head

Families hit one another at weddings and funerals, so I'm told. Working as a nurse at a hospital, I can tell you, they hit each other when visiting the patients. Some times the poor patients get hit too.
Last week I went into Paul's room (he's such a lovely patient, poor thing he needs rest and quiet, trauma you know) and these two women, relatives or girlfriends I suppose, were shouting as loud as they could.
Suddenly one of them punched the other in the face, she staggered backwards, she looked at us so surprised, she hit the wall and slid down into a heap on the floor. Paul was asleep, so all right then.   Continue reading...

Excerpt from shouldn't have done

It did not take long to find out what all the other girls were, and even less time for them to find out that she was not only new, but fresh from college, and from which college. They were beastly to her, just awful. But why not? They were beastly to each other – that was normal. But they did warn her about Mrs Matchem.
  Stay away from Mrs Matchem!
  She does things that your mother never told you about.
  Don't ever let her invite you to her apartment. Just don't! Don't go there!   Continue reading...

Excerpt from blue ribbon

She always wanted children. Now was a good time. She bought a book. Yes, it was an odd way to do things, very odd indeed. She bought more books – they all said the same – she needed a man, at least to begin with.
It took her a month to find and choose a man – one that was good looking and healthy.   Continue reading...

Excerpt from the onion

I took an onion and started to peel it. I peeled off one layer and there was a smaller onion. “The layers of an onion,” I said, “peel one off and there is always a smaller onion inside.” “No!” she said, “you've got it wrong.” “But everyone knows the allegory of the onion.” “Well, everybody has got it wrong. Just peel off the next layer, and the next, and... and you see at the end there is nothing left. That's the second part of the story.”   Continue reading...

Excerpt from b gets kicked

I was sitting on a bench one evening drinking a beer when she came. She was waving her arms in the air and shouting. She stank of gin. She kicked me.   Continue reading...

Excerpt from power

I warned it, but no, I had to use the full power. Oh, how I hate this.
It worked of course. The full theatrics of course. You know what happens, the sky goes black, thunder and lightening, the street lights go on and off and bow to each other, buses stop, choirs get out and tap dance on the street, the paving stones stand on end and sing...   Continue reading...

Excerpt from treatment

I was young and silly, very silly. I had done something silly. I did not know what to do.
My mother noticed that I was standing around and being silly. I had to tell her. She said that I had been very silly, but she had an idea – she picked up the phone. Visit her doctor at the end of the day.   Continue reading...

Excerpt from evil in the sweetshop

I went in. It was just like the sweetshop I went to as a kid. It was full of kids. There were sweets in big glass jars. It was rather old-fashioned. A nice old lady behind the counter served me. I asked for two ounces of pineapple cubes just as I had done years ago.
Oh, no! We don't have those. But we've got these, they're very nice. Do you want to try one?
It was delicious. She weighed four ounces into a little paper bag and I paid for it, not very expensive.   Continue reading...

Ausschnitt aus Christa und die Trompete 

Christa hat eine Trompete – seit Jahren. Wie lange wusste Christa nicht mehr.
Christa hat das Instrument nicht gekauft und auch nicht als Geschenk bekommen – wer würde Christa eine Trompete schenken?   Weiter lesen...

Excerpt from Roger and the toasted golf balls

I ain't stupid, you ain't stupid and Roger is certainly not stupid. Roger knew that you can't eat toasted golf balls and that cooked balls on the golf course are a no-no.
But it was the open day for the local home for wasted children; and The Nice Young Lady had persuaded Roger to do something for the children.   Continue reading...

Excerpt from Well! Clone me!

Let me tell you who I'm not. I ain't a magician. I ain't a prestidigitator. I don't saw pretty ladies in half and make two pretty girls out of them. No, not that, no way.
I ain't a scientist. I ain't a charlatan, 'cus I don't cheat. I don't have to.   Continue reading...

Ausschnitt aus wie Mutti 

Ich las meine Rede vor. Warum wusste ich nicht; es gab nur zwei in der Halle, sie und ich; und sie konnte bestimmt nicht hören. Ich war fast fertig, als eine Frau ankam.   Weiter lesen...

Excerpt from I haven't killed anybody

I was driving about and stopped in some town. It was average sort of place, which probably means uninteresting. And I got arrested.
Nobody recognised me, but two big police officers with guns arrested me and put me in jail. “We need time to round up everybody for the show.”
What show? I hadn't planned a show on that day, nowhere. And why had I been arrested?   Continue reading...

Excerpt from bottom beautiful

There was a naked girl lying face down on the bed.
Actually there were two naked girls lying face down on beds.
One of the judges took the physical measurements with a large pair of callipers, another judge tested the skin elasticity, then the skin colour, and so on.
It all takes time and it's done every time. But the TV people insist on it – nice long close-up shots. And this was the finals, so it took even longer.
I knew it, it's always the same, I've been in this business for years, the judges won't be able to choose between the two of them. For twelve years now I have been top judge and every year I have to give my casting vote. I don't know – they are both perfect – they are both beautiful. Who can choose?
Oh! I've got it! The one on the left has prettier dimples!   Continue reading...

Excerpt from fairly story

A long time ago, when the world was round, lived a pixie named Strordap in the middle of the woods. Strordap liked to sing songs and screw around, though not with hedgehogs.
Wouldn't it be fun to go to the big town and screw around there? I mean, it's so dark and damp here middle of the woods.   Continue reading...

Excerpt from standardised

I suppose I'll have to explain that to you. The TV is a machine that shows pictures all day – it is very popular. The NUT is the nutrition machine, totally automatic. Just stand there for two minutes, it pours liquid food into one hole and sucks waste out of another hole, totally automatic; however you need a lower OTT first. But that is FOOC too, that is free of charge.   Continue reading...

Ausschnitt aus Fay 

Sie ist doof, Sau doof! Du würdest auch so denken, wenn du sie anguckst. Aber es stimmt nicht.
Sie spricht kaum, nur eine gebrochene Sprache, sie schreibt auch, aber die gleiche gebrochene Sprache.   Weiter lesen...

Excerpt from mauve

I had just left home when I noticed that I was wearing a mauve coloured blouse. Now, that couldn't be true, I hate the colour mauve. At the end of the street stood a man wearing a mauve shirt, he stared at me, he said nothing. I could not pass him.   Continue reading...

Excerpt from Toby and the bike

I did not know where I was, I couldn't read the signs and the people spoke in a language I don't know. I sat on a bench and looked at the sea, very pleasant.
Suddenly someone grabbed my shoulder...   Continue reading...

Ausschnitt aus Frau und Fräulein 

Es ist mir unmöglich zu erzählen, immer noch, was ich getan habe, es war so schlecht. Meine Familie hat mich im Knast nicht besucht, keiner von denen, ich habe sie nicht erwartet, es war so schlecht. Die Behörden haben mir eine neue Identität gegeben, um mich vor Rache und der Presse zu schützen; aber...   Weiter lesen...

Ausschnitt aus Ines und das 'Eck 

Es hat nicht lange gedauert, es war einfach zu finden, um die Ecke ein paar hundert Meter weg. Aber alle Leute tranken Appelwoi, pur oder gespritzt, und hatten keine Lust auf Bier.   Weiter lesen...

Excerpt from car test

I know a quick and simple test to find out if a car is any good for me. It's not a perfect test but it does reject 90% of cars in about 10 seconds. Pretty useful really!   Continue reading...

Offcuts

Some of my offcuts are excerpts from other stories, such as big girl and big me and book and choice of hammer and DIY and eaten and Hubby and Wifey and just don't! and lampshade and loser and oclonophone and Open Day and parade and problem and riddle and train set and two and what did I say? and the odd words that I use.