An excerpt from “Frau Alpert”

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Copyright © 2007, Michael M Wayman

I'm rather small; when I go out of the house I wear a lampshade on my head. I've got a collection of lampshades; soon I will have enough of them for every day of the year. I wear an old curtain unless the lampshade is big enough, like a nice one for a standard lamp from the 50s; though in the winter I always wear a thick curtain.

I used to be a concert violinist, but they wouldn't let me wear a lampshade, I mean only a small one, a big one would get in the way of the violin.

In the mornings I go to lamp shops and auction houses; then I look round the streets, maybe someone has thrown out an old lampshade. In the afternoon I choose a nice small lampshade and a pretty chintz curtain and go downstairs and play my violin. Everybody in the house comes to hear me play.