I'm confused, very confused, however the two are very good to me.

Hampstead Heath

I gave up talking soon after my voice broke. It was odd that my voice was so deep, that and everybody else being so small.

I soon grew to be bigger than all of the boys. I looked like a nice girl from a distance, but close-up I was much, much bigger than you and spoke real low. Some people asked if I were a man in drag, I hit them.

I gave up hitting and talking quite early really. No great loss, as I had discovered the source of power in the shopping mall.

You've seen the source of power, haven't you? But you thought that someone had left a large dinner plate behind. You didn't touch it. Good thing too! Don't play with the source of power!

But the source of power has really helped me, I wear a headband and a big feather at the back of the band. About two weeks ago, it happened.

At first I thought that it was another me, just like me but with blond hair and no Red Indian feather. However, not really me, no, somebody else with an empty mind and no name. But very, very nice and lovely too.

It don't take long to learn things when you have an empty mind, just fill it with the right things. You can learn to talk without using your mouth. We can talk together without using mouths, it's real good, you can talk and kiss at the same time.

I decided that she was not me, when I discovered that the people could see her and hear and understand her when she talked.

As I didn't say, she is as big as me and isn't a Red Indian, I ain't either. But she's very nice.

Hampton Hill

When I woke up I found her on top of me, which was very good. Although she is as big as me, which is very big, she does not weigh very much.

She says that she weighs as much as a dormouse, which is not very much. She says that she has no name, which is strange, but why should I care. She says that my name is Mrs Hampton, which is strange, but why should I care.

I think that Handtoo would call me Mrs Hampton too, if she were to speak, which she doesn't.

The two of them are very good to me, they feed me nice things, they dress me, they wash me, they undress me, which they like doing. They do nice things to my body.

Yesterday they were all over me, which was very nice. She kept telling me how wonderful I am. “You are wonderful wonderful wonderful. You are so lovely, really lovely. We like you. We love you, don't we, Handtoo?”

Very nice, but suddenly in a very deep voice “Oh yerst!” two words from Handtoo. She looked at Handtoo in deep surprise. “I love you too, Handtoo.”

Hamelin is Hameln

About forty metres, no more, Handtoo cannot be more than forty metres away from me. It just can't happen, just like I cannot have a name, not never.

Once the men with the funny hats tried to drive me away from Handtoo in a car, but the car refused. I think that the source of power has something to do with it.

Anyway Handtoo is too lovely to go far from me.

Hamblewick Green

I travel the world, it's an international business. No, I'm not a gunrunner. Sometimes I get time to visit the wife.

It was as good as ever and I wanted to roll off her. “No, you're staying put. You're not rolling off and having a snooze, like you usually do. No, I've learnt a few things, I'm going to have fun with you, right now.”

And she did, it was good, very good. I hadn't expected that, I had no choice, I had fun too. And then the applause, two girls as big as the wife clapping their hands.

Hampton Bays

Handtoo said that jail was boring, that I wouldn't like it, so I decided to visit.

The man at the main gate did not want to let us in, probably because he was wearing a funny hat. I left Handtoo behind and went through a wall, nothing there, pretty boring so far.

I went through another wall and suddenly I was in a very small and stuffy room with three men, however they were not wearing funny hats. One of them started to play with himself.

They stared at me. “Good evening! Bit small in here, why don't you move to another room?” There was a box with moving pictures in the corner, why I don't know.

“Don't mind 'im! He's always doing that, don't know any better. But you could have fun with us.” The third man starting banging his head on the wall.

“Oh, I've never seen 'im doing that before.” He pushed his hand straight through my waist and hit the wall behind me.

Pretty boring, I left through a big metal door and tried the next door.

Another small room with a big guy smoking a cigar and a young man making him happy.

“What the fuck do you want? You have just walked straight through a locked cell door. That's impossible. You do wonders or somin?”

Nothing exciting here.

“You do wonders, ha, ha, ha. Then tell me what this idiot is saying to me all the time.”

“He loves you.”

The big man with the cigar cried.

Pretty boring, I left through a big metal door and walked along the corridor. There was a hut with a man in it, unfortunately with a funny hat.

I walked through the door.

“Don't touch me! I know what you are. Don't touch me!”

Now this was interesting. “Oh yes, what am I? I came here just to look around.”

“You're a ghost. I watched you walk the corridor but you did not show on the TV monitor. You are a ghost. Don't touch me!”

“Oh, that's interesting, what is a ghost?”

He gave me a book “The Monster Book Of Ghost Stories” and I read half of it in a few seconds. “Sorry, I'm not a ghost. Ghosts are miserable and I'm not that. Tell me, who runs this place?”

The man laughed. “You have just met him, the big guy with a cigar always in his mouth. But you're in the wrong place, the women's prison is in the next town.”

Hamblewall

You and I can walk through walls, we do it every day, it's not difficult, we use a door.

She can walk through walls, she can walk through doors, even when they are shut.

Hampton Court

The two of them just got in my car and wanted to come home with me, very odd.

Why I took them home with me I don't know. They were so happy, two young women as big as me, quite attractive really.

As soon as I shut my door they hugged me, but so gently, just like silk scarves. The one who spoke was very light. I picked her up. “I'm as light as a dormouse and I'm going to kiss you.”

She did. They wrapped themselves all round me, their hands were everywhere, I have never felt so good. “Oh, Mrs Hampton, you are so lovely, more lovely than we thought you were, just lovely. We are all happy now, but you, Mrs Hampton, are hungry.”

How did she know that and why did she call me Mrs Hampton. It is true that I had had no lunch and wanted something. “Oh, I've only got a TV dinner, just one.”

She looked at her and her looked at she. The one with the Red Indian feather on her head picked me up, carried me to the sofa and sat me on her lap, very gently, very nice.

There were all sorts of sounds coming from the kitchen and something smelled very nice. Sometime later she brought a tray with three bowls of spag bog to us, was it yummy.

The Hamptons

I've put on weight and it shows. “Are you two feeding me up? To make me nice to eat?”

“Oh yes, we want to eat you. All your love-handles are the right size now. Oh yes, nice enough to eat.”

“You're going to kill me and eat me?” I cry.

“Oh, no no no! Sorry sorry sorry! I mean oral...”

I pushed one of my love-handles into her mouth.

Southampton

It was all my fault, they both warned me, just don't do it, but I did.

I gave her a name, I called her Dormouse.

Nothing happened, it wasn't terrible, not one bit.

One minute later I heard a loud cracking sound and nothing more.

One minute later I saw a white flash and nothing more.

I could hear nothing, see nothing, smell nothing, taste nothing, feel nothing. I had no idea if I was lying, sitting or standing, on my head.

No sense of anything. A total disconnect. No feeling of time. I was cut off, perhaps for ever, was I asleep, I don't know, was I dead, I don't know.

Hampton Wick

The F-Major marched into the hall, they were all in uniform, swords, breeches, high boots, huge gloves and cocked hats. They removed their hats and the F-Major whacked the table with her sword.

“Silentium corona!”

We shut our songbooks and closed our mouths and stood.

The F-Major declared the four hundred and thirty-first commerce open. She tipped her sword to the top table, the Praesidium, the uniformed guard on her table, and the rest of us, the corona.

The F-Major read the despatches, the news, and the names of two elder dames who had died in the last quarter. Two minutes of silence.

I looked around, two hundred women, most were wearing a little hat without rim, Handtoo too. The F-Major was a very large person, not one to cross swords with, though probably very nice.

“Song number 244”

We grabbed our songbooks and sang as loud as we could. After the last verse we slammed the songbooks closed and drained our glasses and banged on the table.

I'm an elder dame too.

Northampton

A man with a shiny necklace sat down on the bench next to me. “It's your fault. I will have to resign. Today's the day.”

“I know, they're showing it on the TV tonight. It's a real laugh.”

I knew that he was the mayor, but why did he have to resign? I mean, he wasn't wearing a funny hat like those idiots in the video.

“It's not my fault that those men with the funny hats keep handcuffing themselves to railings and benches and keep walking into walls and doors. I tell 'em I not there, but they still do it. And I don't appear on the video 'cus I'm not there. I'm not here either, but why is it your problem?”

“I'm the mayor of this town, I'm responsible for all the officers in this town, they look stupid, that's bad, I will have to resign.”

“No, no, no! Go on TV tonight and order all these men to take off their funny hats and the problem will go away. Simple.”

Westhampton

A lifetime later I could see again. The two of them were waiting for me.

It took time before I could hear again, smell again, taste again, move again.

I won't make that mistake again.

Easthampton

Handtoo saw it first, the source of power was gone. “What do we do?”

hamper

“You know somin, it worked.”

“Of course it worked, they took their funny hats off, their brains started to work again, and now they are not so stupid.”

“And you know somin else,” said the mayor, “people put money into the hats, too.”

hamper at Xmas

“No!” she said, “It's going to be a tunnel.”

Hampton Downs

“Do you really think that this is a good idea?”

“Yes, I read it on the internet, very slippery indeed. Just pour it over your head.”

“I feel very silly.”

“You're very slippery. You are very nice.”

Hampstead Tunnel

It wasn't there yesterday, there's a hole in my bedroom wall and it's getting bigger. Handtoo is not pleased.

A week later the hole is much bigger, very strange. Handtoo looks at it sadly, very sadly.

“You know what this means?” she asks.

“No, not really, it's a big hole.”

“Yes,” she sighed, “it's a tunnel. I can't escape it. I must go through it.”

We make love for the last time, the three of us. Handtoo is very upset.

“I will probably never come back. I love you, Mrs Hampton. I love you, Handtoo. I love you both, so very much, I always will. I have to go.”

She kissed us both and disappeared into the tunnel.