black corner

Betty pushes the tree over with her behind.

StoryKettle » BETTY » black corner

Copyright © 2013, Michael M Wayman

Hello, I'm Jim Simes. Welcome to my program on WesPro:

the unordinary doing the extraordinary

Are you into the martial arts? Have you got a black belt? What happens next? I've invited Mike Hurdy to explain. Hello, Mike, here's a microphone.

black corner

Hello, Jim, thanks for inviting my group and me to your program. Let me tell you about the black corner group. I am the moderator of the group in the West Province and tonight we are having one of our regular events.

We are a small group of people who are very strong and very violent...

Very violent? That's a pretty strong word. Can anybody join, Mike?

No, no one joins the group. It is not a club, not a team, no subscriptions. You are informed that you are in the group, that's it, you can't leave. Karate clubs, Chop Suey teams, Judo clubs, prison authorities, the police all make recommendations. We take everybody who is very strong and very violent.

But don't let the word violent shock you, Jim. It does not have to be evil, it means a readiness to use strength. We have two rules. One is to attend events like this evening's. The other is to cut out any unnecessary violence.

Does everybody keep to the rules, Mike?

Mostly, the events are very popular and we have had only one rule-breaker in the last five years. I had to speak to him twice.

And on the third time?

He pulled the arms off drug dealers, just for fun. On the third time our supremo did what was necessary, not very pretty, but very quick, only two seconds.

But let's talk about tonight's events. This is the site of a small factory that made paintbrushes and toothbrushes, but it's been unused for years. Our job is to reduce the trees to firewood and the buildings to rubble. I think that an old people's home will be built here.

Turn the camera over to that silver birch tree over there. That's John standing next to it. John is new in the group. He was in a Karate club, five young men tried to mug him on the way home, he picked them up and threw them against a wall, he got five years for manslaughter, he got out just two weeks ago and came straight to us.

This is John's first event, a ten meter high tree, not too difficult. But don't think that as an inanimate object the tree can't fight back. There's a lot of kinetic energy in a tree, I mean, there is a lot of weight high up in the tree which can do a lot of harm when it falls to the ground, pretty violent really.

John's in no hurry, we don't do competition, no contest, no race against the clock. John has two goals, to separate the tree from the ground and to cut the wood into two meter lengths.

John's decided to break the roots, he pushes it one way, crack, and then the other. That's it, he's broken the tap root, and over it goes. A silver birch is quite soft and John will just pull it to pieces with his hands or his teeth.

Good work, John!

The next event I'm doing myself. It's a small building, we don't know what it was used for, but it is made of brick with a tiled roof and a brick chimney. Let's have a good look at it.

The tiles are a problem, I can't just push the building over, the tiles will slide off and do a lot of damage to me. I don't need that, slates are even worse, they can slice yer head off.

I've climbed onto the roof, I'm standing on the ridge and I'm gonna release the tiles. One by one they smash onto the ground and then an avalanche with much noise and violence and dust. Great fun really, now the other side.

I'll kick the chimney down, I want it to fall outside the building 'cus I'm still standing on the roof. I'll jump down now, kick out a few corner bricks and push the building over, simple really.

I've asked our supremo to do the next event, do you see that huge beech tree in the far corner? Beech wood burns very well. And there's our supremo, a bit of a surprise, isn't she, Jim?

What are you staring at, Jim? Or is it who?

That's a surprise for me, your Reporter of the Year at WesPro, Jim Simes, is speechless. Never mind, let's watch Betty, she's walked up the tree and is ripping the branches off and throwing them on to a heap on the ground.

Betty has jumped down now and is chopping through the trunk with her hands; but wait, Betty is staring at Jim, Betty pushes the tree over with her behind. What a show-off!

Betty walks slowly towards us, still staring at Jim. Ho, ho. I know what has happened.

Jim, listen to me, Betty wants you to pick her up, don't worry, Betty won't hurt you. Just pick her up. Betty likes you.

Jim picks up Betty, Betty takes Jim's head in both arms and kisses him on the cheek.

Jim puts Betty down. Betty grabs half a tree trunk under one arm and Jim in the other arm and walks off into the sunset.

It was a warm autumn evening, we were sitting in the garden and Betty came home with half a tree under one arm and a young man under the other.

Betty put the young man on Tilly's lap and sat on my lap. For some reason the young man was clutching a microphone. Tilly removed it and put it on the table.

It was going to be a good evening.

The next day we were surprised to see Betty on TV felling a large tree. That Betty fells trees with her bare hands is not new, but on TV?

The voice-over explained that Betty was in the black corner group, a group of very strong and violent people who destroyed large trees and buildings for fun.

The next shot was Betty carrying a large piece of tree and a man into the distance.

The voice-over explained that Betty although tiny was extremely strong.

But please bring our reporter back! We need him!

I phoned WesPro, the local TV station, and spoke to an answering machine:

“No, we're not bringing him back, not yet. We like him.”