fairly story

He did have a good qualification in magic.

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Copyright © 2008, Michael M Wayman

A long time ago, when the world was round, lived a pixie named Strordap in the middle of the woods. Strordap liked to sing songs and screw around, though not with hedgehogs.

One morning while humping at an old fairy named Slapdash, Strordap thought out loud, “Wouldn't it be fun to go to the big town and screw around there? I mean, it's so dark and damp here middle of the woods.”

Slapdash knew stuff, he had been around a bit, so he knew that the human beings in the town were a funny crowd and that there were big metal boxes that were smelly and moved very quickly and could knock you flat. But before he could warn Strordap he had to let out a long deep groan. And Strordap had already left for the wide and wonderful.

It was true, there were big metal boxes that were smelly and moved very quickly and could knock you flat. Strordap thought that this was fucking dangerous and decided to do something.

Although Strordap screwed around a lot, he did have a good qualification in magic. It did not take long – the big metal boxes stopped – they never moved again. Very funny – human beings got out of the boxes – some stared at Strordap, especially at his funny hat. In the middle of the woods everyone wore a funny hat – Strordap liked his funny hat, so he kept it on – all the human beings laughed.

Strordap was hungry – he saw a brightly coloured building where human beings were pushing things into their mouths with their fingers. He went inside and was surprised to discover that the human beings were not eating food. He sat down next to very nice looking girl who was eating a piece of wood.

Oh, keep doing that! And I'll do something disgusting to you.

Oh, that is disgusting!

Yeah! Don't you like it?

Oh, yes! Keep doing it! I'm going to take you home and you can meet my husband.

Strordap liked the home – it was cosy and the very good looking girl was fun. Where and what was the husband?

The husband was a man – not a big surprise for Strordap. He told the husband what he had done to the girl and that he wanted to do the same to the husband. But the husband was not happy – he shouted at Strordap.

Suddenly he punched Strordap – he punched the pixie with his fist – his fist hit the pixie and went straight through and out the other side. You have always believed “Punch the pixie and win a free trip to Paris!” Haven't you? Well, you're wrong!

The husband picked up Strordap and threw him on the floor and jumped on him. He kicked the pixie. Strordap didn't understand – perhaps it was a new dance called “Break up the happy home!”

After an hour the husband collapsed into a chair – perhaps he was tired – or perhaps it was because he had hit his head on the mantelpiece and broken his leg. Strordap mended the leg and the furniture and made them both happy.

There was a big building next door full of seats that were all empty. At the other end were human beings wearing funny clothes – the old guy with the funny hat was telling fairy stories – Strordap had heard many of them before. After they had finished singing and chanting, they left the big hall and entered a little room at the back. They wanted to take their funny clothes off – Strordap had other ideas – especially with the old guy in the funny hat . Oh, do come back tomorrow! We'll do it all over again.

Strordap was walking along a street singing a song – perhaps he could find something to eat – when he saw a nice young lady wearing funny clothes, and even better, a funny hat – everything dark blue. Strordap told how good she looked and what he was going to do to her; however instead of being happy, she shouted at him, took a dark piece of metal from her waist, pointed it at Strordap and:


Oh, damn! I've run out of bullets.

Strordap was amazed. This was magnificent. How did she do that? Great trick!

Within seconds they were surrounded by many more women human beings and men human beings wearing the same funny dark blue clothes and hats. Strordap looked around – looks good – but too many – challenge too big. Strordap became invisible and left.

Crossing the road was a great looking lady carrying lots of bags, real heavy. Strordap wanted to help.

I've been shopping, bought a lot, but the car won't go, it's so heavy, I can't carry it all home.

Strordap carried everything – Strordap was a strong pixie.

Have you got a husband at home? Who likes dancing?

Er, no! No husband! Why don't you tell me again what you want to do to me when we get home?

Strordap told her and she told him what she was going to do to him when they got home.

Strordap thought to himself that being with human beings was not too bad, some of them wore funny clothes and funny hats just like in the middle of the woods. And they were all crazy, just like in the middle of the woods.

She gave him something nice to eat and drink – she was good to him – Strordap stayed with the great looking lady and they all lived happily ever after. Strordap still likes to sing songs and screw around, though not with hedgehogs.

Have you read Frau Alpert makes Mistakes and waiting for Sugar-Pie?