There are two boys who live up the road, twelve and fourteen. They always want to play with me. Why should I want to play with them – it is illegal.
One day they cornered me in the alleyway. We want to play doctors and nurses with you. Yeah, the new version is so much fun.
Why did I? I went along with them. What a silly idea. We went to their home, to the bedroom of their elder sister.
Right! I said, taking charge. We need a patient, who is very ill and has a very nasty throbulant. I pointed at the younger boy. He'll do. Whip his clothes off!
Within ten seconds he was lying on the bed wearing only one of his big sister's nighties. Now we need a nurse. I pointed at the other boy.
This took a bit longer. Off with his clothes and on with his big sister's. I made a nurse's cap out of cardboard and pushed it onto his head.
Now look in the mirror and see what a lovely nurse you are. I'm the doctor. I put big sister's reading glasses on the end of my nose and big sister's headphones from her uropod round my neck. Look at my stethoscope!
Yes, I have examined this patient and he has a very nasty throbulant. It has to be removed immediately. Nurse, turn the patient on his stomach. Yes, that's right. We will have to tie the patient down for the operation. Nurse, take these special patient restrainers and immobilise the patient. I gave the nurse some of big sister's stockings.
Nurse! I need a marker. The nurse gave me a marker used to write names on clothing. I lifted up the nightie and drew a big VEE on the patient's behind. I am going to cut along these lines. I must cut very deeply because the throbulant is far inside the patient.
The patient did not like this one little bit. He complained. Nurse, apply anaesthetic to the patient. I gave the nurse a pair of big sister's knickers.
Yes, I said, thinking out loud. This is a very difficult and very dangerous operation, the patient may not survive, and, and. I repeated this word several times. Even if he lives, his right leg will be twice as long as his left leg. Yes, very difficult.
The patient made some funny noises – the same sort of noises that you might make if you had a pair of knickers in your mouth.
Just to be safe, I think that I should practise this operation first on someone else. I pointed at the nurse. You'll do.
Within ten seconds the nurse was lying on the bed. I took the special patient restrainers and immobilised the nurse. I applied anaesthetic to the nurse.
Now we are ready. It will only take nine hours. Let's hope that both of you survive. It is going to be very painful.
The patient and the nurse made some funny noises – the same sort of noises that you might make if you had a pair of knickers in your mouth.
I doodled flowers and butterflies on their behinds with the marker. I got bored and left the two boys after a while.
Later that day I discovered that I was still wearing the stethoscope.