Welcome! Welcome! Welcome to the Ditchbury College Auditorium!
Welcome! Welcome! Welcome to “CLONE ME!”
Welcome! Welcome! Welcome to all of you!
My name is Jim McClane. Maybe I should change it to McClone, but I don't, I won't. My name is Jim McClane.
And you are asking – who is this guy? What does he want? Who is Jim McClane?
Let me tell you who I'm not. I ain't a medic. I haven't studied medicine. I ain't going to give you a lecture about turning stream-cells into lamb chops.
Let me tell you who I'm not. I ain't a magician. I ain't a prestidigitator. I don't saw pretty ladies in half and make two pretty girls out of them. No, not that, no way.
I ain't a scientist. I ain't a charlatan, 'cus I don't cheat. I don't have to. Look at me! Look at this stage! There is just me, a simple wooden chair, and a pile of bath robes.
Jim picks up the dressing gowns and drops them one by one back on the floor.
Ah, you say! This man has got his assistants in the audience. It's all a big trick. He's just a trickster.
Yes! It's true. I have two guys sitting in the front row to help you. Yes, to help you. Jan and Dean are from the Red Cross. Just in case one of you feels bad, sees something he does not really want to see, feels something he does not really want to feel.
Stand up! Jan and Dean! A big round of applause for your helpers.
Two guys in red uniforms stand up and wave to the audience. Everybody cheers.
I said that I'm no magician, I don't use tricks, BUT I DO USE MAGIC!
I say magic, because no one knows, no one understands what I do. And it's no secret – I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I DO.
Why am I telling you this? Because I hope that some day someone, maybe you, will discover the truth, the secrets, the science of what I do. Yes, the science.
Suddenly it's dark in the hall. Someone killed the lights.
Oh, groan! That's not what I wanted. This was not planned. I said no tricks and I meant it.
OK! OK! OK! It was a big joke. Turn the lights back on!
OK! OK! OK! I'm gonna be polite. I gonna ask the person in the last row who wished for the blackout to wish for the lights.
Black in black.
I'm asking politely for the second time.
Black as before.
OK! OK! OK! I tried to be polite. This has never happened before. I will use blackmail.
There is a person in the back row,
who lives in this town,
who works at the Great Mill,
who lives at number six...
The lights come back on.
OK! Let's get started. Do you like to sing and accompany yourself with a guitar or piano or organ? Yeah, fun! I like to sing and accompany myself with a choir of me.
I'm going to clone myself a few times. I'm going to make temporary copies of me to make my own choir.
But first I need some volunteers – two or three people who know each other.
He walks to stage centre right to where the pile of robes is.
Yes, yes! Do come forward! Who are you? Joan and John Peabody. Welcome! Welcome! My name is Jim McClane.
Jim shakes their hands.
I want you to stand here and help the clones – please wait a few moments.
Jim moves to centre stage, picks up the chair and moves to stage centre left, and sits on the chair.
I'm gonna sit down and concentrate real hard.
After a minute of silence a clone of Jim appears next to Joan and John. Joan quickly puts a dressing gown on the first clone.
The clone thanks Joan. Three more clones of Jim appear. Joan and John quickly put robes on them. Another clone appears, but lies on the floor. Jim suddenly stands.
DON'T TOUCH THAT ONE! He might bite.
The malformed clone disappears. Jim runs across the stage and puts a robe on a one-legged clone of Jim who is hopping around the stage.
Hey! Put this on! You'll get cold.
Jim walks back to Joan and John and thanks them.
Please stay and sing along with us. It's getting towards Xmas. So...
Let's sing guys! Let's sing “Jingle Bells”!
Jim and the four (or is it five clones) sing “Jingle Bells”.
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one horse open sleigh
Jim and his own choir of Jim sing several verses of the jolly tune. Joan and John join in, as does the audience. The one-legged clone hops to the music.
The audience finds it too funny, can't sing any more, much laughter and then big applause.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you much!
I can't ask for a big round of applause for the choir – they are all me.
Thank you Joan and John! Can we all sit down now? I need a rest.
Jim sits on the chair. The clones slowly fade away. The audience is together – the audience is purring.
Suddenly Jim jumps up.
I need a volunteer – one brave volunteer – and a couple of people who know her.
Yes! I do know that tonight's volunteer is a lady. No! Don't ask me! I don't know why I know that.
Hello! Hello Dorothy! This is your husband Jake and your brother Aaron. Welcome! Welcome! My name is Jim McClane.
Jim shakes their hands.
First, I must ask you a serious question, Dorothy. You don't have and never have had a twin brother or sister? You've never wanted one either?
No, no! Never thought about it. Isn't that true, Jake? Aaron?
The two men nod their heads.
OK, Dorothy! I don't have to ask you why you volunteered this evening.
Jim turns to the audience.
Dorothy wants a clone of herself – a second Dorothy – two lookalikes – a doppelgänger. Isn't Jake a lucky guy? Not just one Dorothy, but two. How lucky can you get? A round of applause for Dorothy and Jake.
The audience moved as one – Jim had his hand in the heart of all of them.
I do have to tell you, Dorothy, that your clone will disappear and reappear from time to time. I don't know how long your clone will last – several years I expect.
I'm gonna sit down and concentrate real hard – please wait a few moments.
Jim sits on the chair. The audience is together – the audience is purring.
A naked Dorothy slowly appears at the back of the stage. The audience gasps. Dorothy runs to her and covers herself with a bath robe.
I never knew that you were that beautiful, says Jake, I mean both of you.
Dorothy and Dorothy walk slowly to the front of the stage and bow to the audience – much applause. Jake joins them and embraces them both.
What a lucky man I am!
Dorothy stares at Dorothy.
I don't know what to say.
Dorothy, Jake, Dorothy and Aaron bow to the audience – much applause. The four of them try to leave the stage.
We are too happy – we must leave now.
The audience does not let them leave – much applause.
Suddenly there is a loud bang. Jim has dropped his microphone. Jim is sobbing in his chair. Jan and Dean, the two paramedics, run on to the stage to help him. Jan picks up the microphone.
OK, folks! The show is over. Don't worry! Jim will be OK. He's just exhausted. He's totally cloned out. The show is over. You can leave your seats now. Thank you and good night!