The D&C Show is so famous. Everyone wants to meet us. We've done all the talk shows and all that stuff. The money is rolling in. Great!
We did 26 shows each 25 minutes long and now we are working on the next series. They're going to be 45 minutes which means an hour's TV with all the adverts. The “Morality Central” TV station is making loads of money with us – every company, every respectable company, wants to advertise with us – we're so clean and pure and innocent – 100% family entertainment.
Debbie and Cheby are the talk of the town. We use these names because they are short and snappy and easy to say. Little did we know how good an idea it was to be.
The show always starts with Debbie and Cheby talking to their pet hippopotamus. They can never understand that it is so small and red and says nothing much, even when they sing to it.
Debbie and Cheby run the whole show, but we have introduced some other characters. After we have opened the show and sung a couple of songs we cut to the “Schoolgirl Mum”. She is a big ugly schoolgirl trying to do her homework with a baby on her knee. The baby always screams and cries and plays about. The schoolgirl can't do her homework and moans on and on about that one time with that one boy who is now far, far away. Oh, that one little mistake and so it goes on.
We take it in turns to play the schoolgirl, every time a different school uniform, an ugly school uniform with colours that clash. Richard has played the part a couple of times. Brenda plays Baby-B even when she plays the stupid schoolgirl. Yer gotta laugh!
After another song comes the best bit – the “Two Perverts”. These two girls are real sluts, as common as muck, and they speak that way. They have missing teeth and look unhealthy. Listen to Pervie and Suckmetoe talking:
You been wiv that boy again?
Yer, what about it?
But eee's got that disease – you catch it and yer BEEEEEPs go green and fall off.
Yeah, I know – ther' only green a little bit. I just like his BEEEEEP.
You could always play with my BEEEEEP.
Oh yeah! Why not?
No one knows who plays the “Two Perverts” – we keep it a secret. It's the part we like the most – there is no script – normally one take is all that's needed. The rest of the show is rehearsed for days, but the “Two Perverts” are something special.
Next comes the sandwich song, but a little bit different every show, and the “Perfect Mother”. Miss Cavendish plays the mother of Debbie and Cheby. She likes to have a serious word with all you girls out there, all the girls out there waiting for the right boy to come along and... I'm sure you get the idea. She is always saying how glad her two girls are so pure and innocent and so on and so on, just like her. It is just awful, but the viewers love it.
We round off the show with “The Secret” and a loud song. “The Secret” is so very special, Debbie likes the boy at the other end of the street who wants to join the army and serve his country, Cheby has got a new pet, Debbie has bought a nice present for her mother's birthday. It is just awful, but the viewers love it.
We get a lot of fan mail. Some times Debbie and Cheby read out their mail, but only from the girls. The boys only want to do one thing to Debbie and Cheby – the men only want to do one thing to Debbie and Cheby but only after they have married them.
The “Two Perverts” get really disgusting mail, lots of it, real great. The “Two Perverts” read some of them out, great fun, although most of it gets BEEEEEPed.
If you have seen Debbie and Cheby and seen how they dress, so perfect, so ladylike, so sterile, so sweet and innocent and pure and wholesome, so full of morality. Just enough to make you sick.
If you have seen Debbie and Cheby and know us, the four of us, Doreen, Brenda, Miss Cavendish and me, Chardonnay, you must be asking yourself, no, telling yourself, this is false, this is hypocrisy big time.
You may be right. We only do it for the money and the fame. We leave the hypocrisy to our mascot, the “Red Hippo”.