Offcuts 2014 from the Story Kettle

Offcuts archive for year 2014

bits and pieces, miscellaneous, odds and ends, jumble, all sorts, scraps, this and that, odds and sods, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, excerpts and words and pictures and tips and recipes

list of all stories

Put a space behind the bits for sorting order in indices.


chocky-coffee: 1½ teaspoon powered coffee, 1 level teaspoon (cooking) cocoa, 1 teaspoon sugar (or 1 sweetener) in a mug, add hot water (after it has stopped boiling) and milk to taste. Stir vigorously.

Es war lange, lange her.

picture gallery 7

O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to Thy perfect light

And why the hell am I the farmer's daughter?

“Location: South China Sea. Emergency. Go for the life boats!”

Tunbridge, Derwent Park, Granton, Preston, Launceston, Sheffield, Devonport

Ich schmiere meine Werte über Ihren Körper.

shoot into the air

Ich stehe Schmiere zu meinen Werten.

What the eff does that mean?

Id Yacht carved his name in his forehead.

Now is the time to tell all your friends, all the people you know and
of course all your enemies about your favourite story website.
Offcuts is a large collection of bits and pieces, miscellaneous, odds and ends, jumble, all sorts, this and that, odds and sods, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, words and pictures and tips and recipes. Some are even stories, most are what Big Tone would call “Pieces Of Nonsense”. Try offcuts for the newest offcuts and index of titles and links and top ten links.

I don't call you baby 'cus you ain't a baby.


Neugier tötete die Katze.

Mad dreams from the mad duchy of nothing.

Remember that the number one, best, favourite girlfriend
can turn into the number one, best, favourite wife.

It's hard to eat,
when your lower jaw is not installed.

Do pachyderms ruminate?

Time to be sad.

I see a point of light in the dark sky.
It is not a star.
It is not an aeroplane.
It is not a satellite.
Where is the love of my life?
It is bitter.

Es war Zeit, Zeit für was Neues. Urlaub, warum nicht Urlaub nehmen. Das würde ein Spaß sein, und unbedingt mit Bob, nur mit Bob. Nein, Bob hatte keine Wahl. Er musste mit. Er hatte nichts dagegen, keine Überraschung. Und ich musste mich entscheiden, wohin.
Es sollte was besonderes sein, was könnte es sein? Oh, es gab alle die teuren Orte weit weg auf diesem Planet. Aber sind sie so besonders? Nein, bitte noch mal denken. Oh, es hat eine Woche gedauert – ein heruntergekommenes Seebad...   Weiter lesen...

It's better to urinate weakly than urinate weekly.

Es gäbe eine Kantine bei der Firma, aber Ines würde sie nie finden. So war die Firma – die Firma hieß immer „die Firma“ und was die Firma tut, hat Ines langst vergessen – irgendwas technisches. Komisch war es auch, dass die Hauptkonkurrenz im Gebäude nebenan war, oder mindestens so war es hier in Hessen, und sie hieß (Ihr habt schon geraten) „die Firma nebenan“.
Ines wollte etwas Warmes zum Mittagessen und das macht das 'Eck...   Weiter lesen...

“How do you know if a robot has got a humour module fitted or not?”
“Oh, do tell me.”
“Easy, just kick the robot. If it groans, it hasn't.
If it says ‘Thank you!’ it does humour.”

She was always in milk.

Sie ist die Mutter von drei Jungen, aber sie bleibt ein Kind wie ich.

kitchen things

“Don't Set Yourself On Fire!”

weather house

Who am I?   is a good question to ask as you don't know, especially when every day is different, when every day you are in a different place, when every day there are different people, a new time, a new language and you have a new body. You have to ask yourself   Who am I?

It's my life and I'm living it.

“Don't Set Yourself On Fire!”

I'm trying to be happy, but I'm not succeeding.

You haven't slept with someone until you've slept with them.

Jeder Mann lebt wie ein Hund.
Jeder weiß das. Oder Bescheid.

I'm the kid that's all the candy.

tin can of delight

By the time you read this,
you will have a lot of milliseconds behind you.

Dem Angeklagten wird vorgeworfen, seinen Nachbar umgebracht zu haben.

Betty was half the size of her sister Henni; and they were the only part of Betty's body that were full-size, more than full-size. But Henni had an idea, Henni took Betty to that shop in the High Street, the outfitters for ladies' apparel...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Es steht auf der Einkaufsliste.
Was ist das?
habe ich gefragt.
Nu, ja! Das sollen wir kaufen.

Mad, mad John was in Torquay.

My name is Eddy Ratfink.

Warum sind Amseln so dämlich?

She sat me on the boiler and said that she was going to eat me, to swallow me in one piece. She opened her mouth very wide and started to eat me. This was obviously going to take some time, because there was a large amount of meatballs and orange juice next to me. I was disappearing slowly into her mouth. Every now and then the boiler would explode into life, the flames inside warmed my behind.

Neugier tötete die Katze.

"From the heart; may it go to the heart!"

"Von Herzen - Möge es wieder - zu Herzen gehen!"

Can't stay here, in this land.

Das Einzige, was wir zu fürchten haben, ist die Furcht selbst.

Who is Itheritha?

Don't put your wife in the toaster!

Penny Korner, bitte melden!

His name was Dot-Orange.

You can sing about unicorns.

There was a big bang and a loud thunk and no granny in the bed. I got up to find granny, the light switches did not work. I pushed the circuit breaker, another big bang and no light. I walked through the living room to the kitchen and fell over...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Where is Shardwell?

What a breathtakingly vapid piece of nonsense.

Man nimmt einen Nachbar und kocht ihn bis er weich ist. Das Südwasser schüttelt man in einer Richtung und den leblosen Nachbar in der andere.

“It hurts.”
“Keep still! Stop moving about.”
“It's all over the place, what a mess.”
“I've looked it up, it's a perianal abscess.”
“Oh, I thought it was a boil on the bottom.”


plum and soured cream flan  recipe

simple music stuff

Just me, no you.

I used to insult my two kid brothers with the word Siblings!
or You sibling, you! or worse You utter sibling, you!
Only later did they discover what this little-used word means.

Meine Google hat den Bauernhof gekauft.

aplomb bomb catacomb choriamb climb comb dumb jamb lamb plumb succumb tomb womb crumb limb numb thumb

The sun is shining,
but it's raining in my heart.


one equals two

I did not have the chance to say thank you to her.

Auto Union, Borgward, DKW, Glas, Gutbrod,
Horch, Lloyd, Messerschmitt, NSU,
Tempo, Trabant, Wartburg, Zündapp

Tear it up, too many tears.

Ich weine die Eimer voll.

I saw Petula Clark in Krooner Park.

tinkel, tankel, tonkel
ich hab' einen Onkel
tinkelt, tankelt, tonkelt
er hat mein' Tant' gebonkelt

Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a bear,
I've often seen her little lamb,
But I've never seen her bear.

Going for a nice ride in the countryside, probably on a Sunday afternoon?
My sister-in-law has a word for it: arschwanderung

What did the fourth monkey not do?

boys inside

I was driving up the B3 to Wiesloch when I saw a dead stork in the middle of the road. Unusual. There was a group of people standing at the side of the road and two storks in the field. Were they mourning? Sad.

He awoke suddenly, who was driving his car? A little girl half sitting, half standing, was driving his police car at high speed around the ring road with the siren screaming and the lights flashing...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Du Schniedelhut Du!
Du musst nicht weinen.
Du bist ein Schniedelhut.

my favourite links

Die Bohnen werden auf dem Boden geschmissen
und dann gebohnert.
Das macht der Hamster wie immer.

My sister stays with me for two weeks every year, she goes horse riding in the morning, we go for long walks in the afternoon and cook something good in the evening.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Grace of Monaco review: It is a film so awe-inspiringly wooden that it is basically a fire-risk. The cringe-factor is ionospherically high.

He had a long screwdriver wrapped tightly round his left wrist like a bracelet and a crowbar round his right arm. The other end of the crowbar was neatly hooked round a lamppost. He did look silly. In the morning the police got the fire brigade to release him.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

bits of my life


grip's best boy   In a film crew there are two kinds of best boy: best boy electric and best boy grip. They are assistants to their department heads, the gaffer and the key grip, respectively. In short, the best boy acts as the foreman for his/her department. A gaffer in the motion picture industry and on a television crew is the head electrician responsible for the execution (and sometimes the design) of the lighting plan for a production. In the U.S. and Canada, grips are lighting and rigging technicians in the filmmaking and video production industries. They constitute their own department on a film set and are directed by a key grip. Info from Wikipedia.

Puketherest ist nicht in Rumänien.

You want to go to hell in a handcart,
well, I'm not going to push you.

Stop and see the sunset.
Stop and see the sunrise.
Stop and see into yourself.

Now is the time to tell all your friends, all the people you know and
of course all your enemies about   your favourite story website.

What I like is lots of you.

You're gone, but I still love you.

She had a high banana acquisition coefficient.

My rhubarb runneth over.

I picked up the jug of fresh coffee and saw some woman walk across the hall to my living room. I could hear Blackie's voice, she was talking loudly about rape and violence. The woman opened the living room door. I followed and recognised her.
“Good morning, Mrs Blake! Welcome to...”   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Don't eat nuts if you want to eat a second time.

The love days are all gone.
Speak no wrath over him.

If Betty had known that the police's job was law and order she would have laughed. A group of heavies kept order at carnival events, Betty sometimes helped them, usually trouble with drunken young men. The heavies were fun guys, Betty often drank a few beers with them on Friday nights.

Das Wort integrieren ist nicht gleich intrigieren.

Only perverts like soggy bottoms.

The only girl I like is my sister, we were always close, we still are. I've had several girlfriends, they were OK, for a while. Several boyfriends too, but that too is long ago. My sister stays with me for two weeks every year...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

She had a black belt in violence.


As a little boy I had difficulty doing up my shirt buttons.
So, I used to ask my Mother for help
and she said (engage deep voice):
You are old enough and ugly enough to do it yourself.


Der Androscoggin fließt von Nord nach Süd durch Berlin.

I'll tell you something. It is not a secret, but many people don't know it. If you want to help other people you must first help yourself. That means: put yourself first, look after number one. If you are not one hundred per cent then you are not fit enough to care for others.

She just fell over and died.

After I am gone if it were said that I wrote children's stories for adults
I would not be unhappy.

Biete:  Deutch

Throttled Rhubarb Tart with Hit Cream

He lived in Elsworthy Terrace.

Mumareen, I want you.

Der Wundpflaster ist kein Wunderpflusterer.

I walk around the house on a dark day.
I wear sunglasses.
I have pain.

And he said to himself
“You drunken old sot!”
and he was right.

My name is Ooohoing Nthdark.

The heat of the lines at Piola.

Wir haben die Nublichkeiten.

7:30 It's time for Compact and Emergency – Ward 10

There are now 700 pieces of content on this website.

Why is 6 afraid of 7, because 7 8 9.

Ich soll alles über Frauen wissen, aber wie kann das sein, ich bin bloß ein Mann namens B


I hear all these voices in my head,
I should sit down and ignore them.


My Mammy is in the dunny.

Oh, Dad! You can't run away from a hole in the sky. Stay here with me!

I screwed my neighbour to the floor to stop her from moving about.

It wasn't my birthday and it wasn't Xmas either, but there on my desk was a present. It was all wrapped up in pretty bows and decorated with red stripes. It was a human being, it looked at me.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

It's Orion, the hunter. Those three in the middle are his belt. The big blue one is Rigel, his left foot. And the big red one is his right shoulder, Betelgeuse.

Ich muss erst heulen.


Besser durch Zufall als Durchfall.

Selected links are news links and story links and writing links and recipe links and project links and software links and web design links and top ten links

Anna Morell, where are you?


I open the fridge door and scream into it.

Steak and Kidney Suet Pudding in Winter.
That'll stick your ribs together, said my Mum.

The Bitchelan Xmas is in February.
Why don't you have a boy for Xmas?
How about him over there?
Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Expel intestinal gases!

Abgeordnete sind auf den Hund gekommen.

An offcut a day, keeps the madness at bay.

Elf Feinde hat das Auge: zehn Finger und ein Tuch.

Annoy your friends and amaze your enemies, tell 'em about the Story Kettle!

Please transplant my head!

Offcuts are good for your health.

Mit Schwierigkeiten kann man alles machen.

My offcuts are a large and growing collection of jokes, sayings, odd stuff, very short stories and miscellaneous junk. Please read the new offcuts now.

offcuts 2011 and contact 2011

Ich habe eingelegte Zwiebeln bei Aldi in Merthyr Tydfil gekauft.

My favourite sport is groping.

Release intestinal gases!


About me and about you and privacy and excerpts

Besser Bodenkriecher als Arschkriecher.

I'm starting the new offcuts for the year 2014, but you can still read the old stuff:
list of all offcuts and offcuts 2013 and offcuts 2012 and offcuts 2011 and offcuts 2010

It's good to know
That your nose points down,
Otherwise when it rains
You would certainly drown.

Tell your friends and your enemies about !   And about Jennffer.

Unser Mikrowellengerät ist zu klein,
der Abteilungsleiter passt nicht hinein.

Stories for adults to read.
Ordinary people doing unordinary things.
Short stories from Michael M Wayman.

I wanted to write absurd stories with humour
but somehow I also wrote stories of love and pain


This site is all about stories, it's full of stories.
Just click on a title and read a story.
There are lots of stories here.
Click on more titles and read more stories.

Klick auf den Kessel für Home!

Now is the time to tell all your friends, all the people you know and
of course all your enemies about   your favourite story website.

Smearing your breasts with cream cheese will not make you pregnant,
even if you are a man.

top ten

I used to insult my two kid brothers with the word Siblings!
only later did they discover what this little-used word means.


stories to make you laugh


new offcuts and list of all offcuts  D-J  K-Q  R-Z and offcuts 2013 and 2012 and 2011