Offcuts 2013 from the Story Kettle

Offcuts archive for year 2013

bits and pieces, miscellaneous, odds and ends, jumble, all sorts, scraps, this and that, odds and sods, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, excerpts and words and pictures and tips and recipes

Links to other sitesselected links and top ten links and links.

Ich muss erst heulen.

bottom and bottoms up and bottom free and bottom it


What did the Earl of Sandwich invent?
Henry Stipple was a painter.
What did Friedrich von Wink do with his eye?
Florence Gusset inserted the middle section of women's drawers.
Trowser was a tailor.
Edward Awning erected canvas shelters.
Georges-Edouard Cabriolet designed a two-wheel chaise.
Captain Doldrum went to sea.
Alessandro Fiasco had problems.
Who gave their names: boycott, gasket, carburettor, cab, cabaret and buffets?
What did Lord Cardigan and Lord Wellington wear?

I screwed my neighbour to the floor to stop her from moving about.

Besser durch Zufall als Durchfall.

Selected links are news links and story links and writing links and recipe links and project links and software links and web design links and top ten links

Anna Morell, where are you?

I open the fridge door and scream into it.

I don't want a toaster with an internet connection,
I want a toaster that toasts bread.

One day I will pull you apart.
And find out how you work.
Are you clockwork or electric?
One day I will pull you apart.

I clone. I clone people. I can clone myself, I often do. I like cloning. I clone for fun. I am the Clone Master. I am Jim McClane. Why shouldn't I clone, it isn't illegal?
I don't clone children and certainly not animals, I don't know how to. I only clone for fun. How can it be evil?   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Eileen said that "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre" was a bit sordid.

There was a hole in the ground, I saw a man in it. They filled it in. There is tar on top of it like sausage meat. I must go round it, I dance round it this way and I dance round it the other way. I always do it – all for me...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Oktober war ein schwieriger Monat für mich.

While following a slow car in France
my (mild-mannered) wife suddenly exclaimed
"Watch out Frog! There's a Roast Beef and a Kraut behind you!"

autumn leaves

I want to go to Bembridge, Bembridge, on the Isle of Wight.
I want to go to Bembridge, Bembridge, on the Isle of Wight.

Biete:  Deutch

Steak and Kidney Suet Pudding in Winter.
That'll stick your ribs together, said my Mum.

It's Orion, the hunter. Those three in the middle are his belt. The big blue one is Rigel, his left foot. And the big red one is his right shoulder, Betelgeuse.

Crying while brushing your teeth is hard.

Kirk Smeaton and Royton

The Bitchelan Xmas is in February.
Why don't you have a boy for Xmas?
How about him over there?
Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Expel intestinal gases!

Betty was very small, she looked like her sister, but she was extremely small. She wore clothes that were a mix of an American cheerleader, a German Funkenmariechen and the Sugar Plum Fairy. She also never...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Today, when the door knock is not the door knock.
Come to the traffic lights!
Where the head comes through the trees.

Er hieß Dimido, weil er Montags und Freitags nie im Büro war.

Older and wiser, but not wise.

It was Friday night and I was winding down in the Winding Hole pub with two ex-boyfriends. The boys at the next table stopped talking about cars and stared at me. They are always there, always without girls, always talking about...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Mrs Happy stories are the frozen peas and fit Mrs Happy and Mrs Happy thinks and Mrs Happy looks back.

Open the fridge door
and scream into it.

When he came
she put her brains into a bucket under the sink.

new picture gallery

The sun is shining,
but it is raining in my heart.

You just hit the swell pedal on my heart.

Ich kann weinen.

The name is on the birth certificate,
but not on the passport.

If something is broken it usually gets fixed or replaced. The replacement part may be not quite the same type. What happens when part of you gets replaced with a different kind of part?   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

His name was Basil Robert Roy,
but they called him Bob.

What do the leaves care
that the love of my life is gone.

Friday's Child is loving and giving.
She has lovely brown hair.
She has lovely brown hair, long and fine.
She has lovely brown hair, better than any teenager.
She has lovely brown hair, to be envious of.

Es ist dunkel, wie es dunkel geht.

25 years to the day that the dog came home to the roaming rabbit.

Es war Zeit, Zeit für was Neues. Urlaub, warum nicht Urlaub nehmen. Das würde ein Spaß sein, und unbedingt mit Bob, nur mit Bob. Nein, Bob hatte keine Wahl. Er musste mit. Er hatte nichts dagegen, keine Überraschung. Und ich musste mich entscheiden, wohin.
Es sollte was besonderes sein, was könnte es sein? Oh, es gab alle die teuren Orte weit weg auf diesem Planet. Aber sind sie so besonders? Nein, bitte noch mal denken. Oh, es hat eine Woche gedauert – ein heruntergekommenes Seebad...   Weiter lesen...

toasty  recipe

That is so last century!

Friday's Child is loving and giving.
She buys me things.
She buys me things, pairs of socks.
She buys me things, bottles of beer.
She buys me things, food to keep me alive.

Abgeordnete sind auf den Hund gekommen.

From Wikipedia: The Isles of Scilly feature what is reportedly the smallest football league in the world, the Isles of Scilly Football League. The league's two clubs, Woolpack Wanderers and Garrison Gunners, play each other seventeen times each season and compete for two cups and for the league title... [on the same] ground, Garrison Field.

Elf Feinde hat das Auge: zehn Finger und ein Tuch.

Feed a man who drinks.

My favourite links to humour and stuff, more at links 1 and links 2 and links 3 and links 4 and links 5 and top ten links and selected links.

When my neighbours above are inconsiderate, I hoover my ceiling for ten minutes when they've gone to bed.

I suppose I'll have to explain that to you. The TV is a machine that shows pictures all day – it is very popular. The NUT is the nutrition machine, totally automatic. Just stand there for two minutes, it pours liquid food into one hole and sucks waste out of another hole, totally automatic; however you need a lower OTT first.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

There was a big bang and his ears fell off.

Today we have in the studio the Very Reverend Michael Melby from "The Church".
Good evening everybody!
Your company has just announced a new product, an ecclesiastical speed trap.
Yes, that's right, we call it "The Peter", it's very special.
Could you tell us more about it?
When a vehicle is impelled at excessive velocity...
You mean driven faster than the speed limit.
Then the guardian of the said vehicle is petrified.
Er, what does that mean?
Oh, the driver is turned into stone.
Isn't that a bit drastic?
It's very effective, no repeat offenders. And best of all, no paperwork.

treasure one

Denis Denis I'm so in love with you
Beneath the knee I'm so in love with you
Denis Denis I'm so in love with you

Es war unmöglich mit dir zu sein.
Es war so möglich dich zu schlachten.

She told me just a few days before Xmas, we were sitting in the Wheatsheaf pub one evening. “No, I'm very busy over Xmas, why don't you have a boy for Xmas? What about him over there? The one at the end, he keeps looking at you.”   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

She wore clothes that were a mixture of an American cheerleader, a German Funkenmariechen and the Sugar Plum Fairy.

On in nine or box of pine.

Roland und der Butterjungfer

Zikes Amorsi went home.

There aren't any curtains, you can look in and see that nothing's there. But people still break in, usually kids or junkies. Yeah, I know the old sash windows are easy to force, but there is...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...


Mum gave me S.O.S. as usual, socks and shirt, Dad nothing as usual as he doesn't and never has known what day of the year or week it is, and an interesting book from my sister. But big disappointment, just a gift voucher from Aunty Marribelle.
Why had she not given me something special, like last year a gold-plated vuvuzela. My name was on the voucher and the name of the school for wasted orphans and the promise to give me a girl and the number nineteen...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Betty began to what?

in boxes

An offcut a day, keeps the madness at bay.

Let me tell you who I'm not. I ain't a magician. I ain't a prestidigitator. I don't saw pretty ladies in half and make two pretty girls out of them. No, not that, no way.
I ain't a scientist. I ain't a charlatan, 'cus I don't cheat. I don't have to.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Annoy your friends and amaze your enemies, tell 'em about the Story Kettle!

Please transplant my head!

Offcuts are good for your health.

Mit Schwierigkeiten kann man alles machen.

My offcuts are a large and growing collection of jokes, sayings, odd stuff, very short stories and miscellaneous junk. Please read the new offcuts now.

offcuts 2011 and contact 2011

To truly know them is to loathe them.

I want you in pastry.
I want you in pastry.
That is what I want.
I want you in pastry.
I want you in pastry.

Behind everyone of these red buttons is a load of stories.

Better bombast than bomb blast.


We took two of them, a boy and a girl, tied them together and put them on a long-distance, over-night bus.

It wasn't my birthday and it wasn't Xmas either, but there on my desk was a present. It was all wrapped up in pretty bows and decorated with red stripes. It was a human being, it looked at me.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Warmy-pormy meets Koldy-woldy.

Ich habe meine Nachbarin verschlungen, sehr schmackhaft.

GN-words and the gnarled gnome

The poor house had not paid its taxes and had lost all its doors.

Just what I needed, a real rest, no bothers, no phone, no TV, almost no one on this island. The hotel is empty, I meet no one, I don't know what day it is. My room is perfectly furnished with almost nothing. There is no desk, no headed notepaper, I don't know the name of the hotel.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Ich habe eingelegte Zwiebeln bei Aldi in Merthyr Tydfil gekauft.

My favourite sport is groping.

Release intestinal gases!

I did not know where I was, I couldn't read the signs and the people spoke in a language I don't know. I sat on a bench and looked at the sea, very pleasant.
Suddenly someone grabbed my shoulder...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

She wishes me a Happy Valentine's Day!

But someone had taken the batteries out of them – their faces were empty.

I pissed in his pocket and
that was the end of the world.

Auf der Tastatur hatte ich kein Hakenkreuz.

Do you know how to get rid of a boy, Bellen? Just screw him stupid until he's too tired to move. And then walk out on him. Or over him if necessary.
Hey, don't look so worried, it was just a joke. Let me screw you...


Frau Alpert is a woman who came to me from the far corners of my mind, from somewhere between M for madness and H for happiness. At first she brought me some of her odd ideas, later some of her odd friends. Her stories came together and became one big story, not that that could save her. Read about the band of people on the border between happiness and madness, read about Frau Alpert, Betty, Jack, Bob, Lampshade and Steffie and discover the mad and the happy.   Read how Frau Alpert makes mistakes and learns more about herself.   More excerpts...

project links

Hemel Hempsted is not Harpenden.

FIVE granny stories
granny stole it and granny has a handle and granny holds on tight
granny and the sardines and granny and the postcards

Euro Rant: how not to €uro and how not to €uro 2 and how not to €uro 3

bangs, fringe or Pony?


She said that she had locked herself out. I pointed to an open window. “But that's on the top floor.”
I climbed up and into the window. It must have been her bedroom. I buried my face in...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Jennffer, you are wonderful. You are my hero. I loved the way you kicked Miss Pringold. Twice! I loved the way you told Miss Pringold what to do. I loved the way that stupid pair chained themselves together.

About me and about you and privacy and excerpts

Besser Bodenkriecher als Arschkriecher.

tin cat

I'm starting the new offcuts for the year 2013, but you can still read the old stuff:
list of all offcuts and offcuts 2012 and offcuts 2011 and offcuts 2010

angel table

This site is all about stories, it's full of stories. Just click on a title and read a story.
There are lots of stories here. Click on more titles and read more stories.
Kick and Esoc and Ravioli and No boys and 2 things and We too and Enda
Mistakes and Katie and Office Bore and Sweetshop and Sugar-Pie and Bike

You think that it is absurd, perhaps you are right, but it is partly autobiographical.


The doctors told me that I was all smashed up after the accident, not much hope, but they tried something new. That's right, they cut my head off and sewed it onto...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

I'm still waiting for the end of the world and my bus home.

Schranklein, Schranklein, an der Wand,
Wer hat die meisten Tassen im Land?

“You are an evil man. We are going to kick you fifty times. Fourteen of us are going to kick you fifty times each.”
“Right girls!” yelled Bunny “Synchronised kicking, one to fifty, starting now.”
“One, two, three... forty-nine, fifty. All done!” kicked the girls.
I think synchronised kicking should be an Olympic sport; there are enough politicians to practise on. “Right girls!” yelled Viktoria “Kicking free-style, one to ten, starting now.”

Ich bin blau im Bad. Na ja, ich habe die Wände im Bad hellblau gestrichen.

Keyboards at Xmas

I am a cereal killer.
I have caused lethal damage to many boxes of cornflakes.

Lass die Bratschen spielen!

Didcot said she!

open cry the sunset

Ich habe alle Tassen, bloß der Schrank fehlt.

It's good to know
That your nose points down,
Otherwise when it rains
You would of course drown.

Doch, Heidelberg ist schön! Das romantische Schloss, der Neckar-Fluss, die alten Gebäude, der Thingplatz, die Seilbahn, „The Student Prince“, die Feuerwerke über dem Fluss und Schloss, am besten vom Philosophenweg aus auf dem anderen Flussufer zu sehen; und die amerikanischen Touristen, die fragen „Where is the shlob?“   Weiter lesen...

It's like those embarrassing moments when you turn up to a party wearing the same dress as another gal, and then my wife asks me why I'm even wearing a dress in the first place...

Die beste Fernsehfernbedienung ist ein Ziegelstein.


JASOND always comes late in the year.

Tell your friends and your enemies about !   And about Jennffer.

Gut City Blues
Gut City in the morning
Gut City in the night
Gut City you're all right

What does the fourth monkey not do?

Unser Mikrowellengerät ist zu klein,
der Abteilungsleiter passt nicht hinein.

treasure one

There was a naked girl lying face down on the bed:   Continue reading...
Actually there were two naked girls lying face down on beds:   Continue reading...
One of the judges took the physical measurements with a large pair of callipers, another judge tested the skin elasticity...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Stories for adults to read.
Ordinary people doing unordinary things.
Short stories from Michael M Wayman.

I wanted to write absurd stories with humour
but somehow I also wrote stories of love and pain


This site is all about stories, it's full of stories.
Just click on a title and read a story.
There are lots of stories here.
Click on more titles and read more stories.

Miss Davis and Miss Jones – two violent, Cuthbert and the Bishop, return of the Bishop, still violent, teeth, battered man and tlc.

Miss Davis is a gentle old lady. She likes to wear steel underwear. She is always with Miss Jones. She is a violent, homicidal thug.

Miss Jones is a gentle old lady. She likes to wear steel-reinforced underwear. She is always with Miss Davis, always. She is a violent, homicidal thug.

Only the truly demented would like this.

writing links

I first heard O Ye Cannie Shove Yer Grannie Aff The Bus in a pub in Kingussie.

favourite links

Mr Doyle wrote detective stories.


Klick auf den Kessel für Home!



top ten links

She was the Snopake Queen,
not the Tipp-Ex Princess.

Sims' position is good for access.

More excerpts...

Now is the time to tell all your friends, all the people you know and
of course all your enemies about   your favourite story website.

selected links

Smearing your breasts with cream cheese will not make you pregnant,
even if you are a man.

top ten



Selected links are news links and story links and recipe links and project links and software links and web design links and top ten links.

email me

Schoolgirl stories are Jennffer and Doreen and Chardonnay.

Schmerzgeschichten  Deutch

Men stories are Colin, Cuthbert, Toby and b.


Privacy Policy


worse than poetry

klebrige Rübensirupgeschichten  Deutch


link to this site

stories to make you cry

picture gallery 3

Erst Hildesheimer, dann Mannheimer und dann Alzheimer.


stories to make you laugh

software links


news links

new offcuts and list of all offcuts  D-J  K-Q  R-Z and offcuts 2012 and 2011 and 2010