Offcuts 2009 from the Story Kettle

Offcuts archive for year 2009

bits and pieces, miscellaneous, odds and ends, jumble, all sorts, scraps, this and that, odds and sods, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, excerpts and words and pictures and tips and recipes

A Very Merry Christmas
And A Happy And Prosperous New Year

GOOD READ – Die meisten Geschichten auf dieser Website sind auf Englisch. Es gibt Sammlungen von Kurzgeschichten – siehe Sitemap. Es gibt Langgeschichten die aus Kurz­geschichten bestehen – siehe GOOD READ – Beispiele sind Frau Alpert und Cuthbert.

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Remember to click on next➤ for the next story➤ in the sequence.

Xmas tips

Stecke zwei extra Beine an deine Gans und
hab einen vierbeinigen Gänsebraten
für Weihnachten.

Remove the legs from your turkey,
pin on a hundred chicken drumsticks,
and have roast centipede for Xmas.

Xmas Deco
Have you been given some lovely red candles with mauve stripes on a green stand? Or was it a group of plastic angels playing the saxophone?
Or was it a battery operated mother doll washing her baby in a tub.
They are just too beautiful to use at Xmas. Why not donate them?

Last Xmas I took my wonderfully carved wooden Adventskranz for 4 candles and placed it on a window sill where everybody could see it in the building where I work (or hotel or clubhouse or pub or where ever).
The next day there were three candles on it, day after some green branches around it, then four candles, four completely different candles. I last saw it in February.

Um kurz vor Weihnachten verschwanden die Puppen.
Was hatten die Omis getan?
Am Heiligabend waren alle Puppen zurück.
Sie waren alle neu und schön gekleidet.
Was hatten die Omis getan?

roast chicken  recipe

Cold turkey treatment on Boxing Day!

Yule it to me!

O Kofferraum! O Kofferraum!
Die Omi hängt im Apfelbaum.

Xmas tips

a good read

about me and about you

dogs and dogjen

Es heißt nicht igit, es heißt igitigit!

Take a cookie cutter to your heart!

Warum hat Christa ein Instrument, das sie nicht spielen kann?

author covered in green paint

It's not that I'm far away – I'm just not here.

Er hat ihr Perlen geschenkt – Holzperlen.

Herb and Spice Chart  recipe

I hired a car in Bodo and drove down south;
in the middle of Oslo I was surprised to see directions for Newcastle.

Das ganze Leben ist ein Spiel und ich spiele mit.

It is autumn.
The terrace door is open.
The leaves fall.
The leaves blow inside
and decorate the floor.

Ihr Leben war kleingehackt; könnte er was retten?

I saw Petula Clark in Krooner Park.

Big Tone knows all about BTUs,
he once calculated the heating requirements of a house in BTUs.

how not to PC 5

Das Wort Mind gibt es nicht in der deutschen Sprache,
komisch ist es. Das Wort Geist vielleicht?
Nein, eigentlich nicht.

You need more than one leg.

PAIN of the second sort lasts longer!


„Das ist aber englischer Humor!“
Wenn ich so was höre, bin ich traurig.
Und warum? Weil es bedeutet, dass diese Person
keinen Humor hat. Und das ist traurig.
Ich bin vielleicht arrogant, aber ich habe Humor.

Take a cookie cutter to my heart!
Did you take everything for you?
Was it for you or with you?
You put it on a plate.
Is it still there?
Do I need it again?
You took a cookie cutter to my heart.

Kein Kommentar!

Can you eat a wegs-chicken?

I rose over the clouds, underneath it was raining, but I can see as far as I will.

Braucht man einen Wirklichkeitsprüfer wirklich?

Picture frame? – Use an old lavatory seat!
Presumably without lid and hinges, or perhaps your pictures are always covered.

recipe links

Stefanie war beim Geburt achtzehn Jahre alt.

Corfe Castle

Kannst du mit der linken Hand was machen?
Dann bist du verblödet!

The blood ran down my forearms.

Camden Town

He ripped the shirt from his body,
after removing the buttons with his teeth.

He liked me so much –
he put a steel chain and padlock round my waist.

Ich bin Engländer,
wir stecken alles in Teig,
dann heißt es ein Pie,
oder wir legen es in Essig,
wie Gurke, Ei oder Walnuss.
Wir sind aber so!

Be I biped?


You are triped?

Take your choice: inebriate or incontinent!

He was one of those people who need a second mouth –
for his other foot.

not the extraordinary, not the ordinary, just the unordinary

Apparently tortoise is not the Irish word for king.

Big Tone explained to me today what a grommet is.

Ganz kurz über den Humor der Glühbirnen!

She does not know what country she is in and doesn't care.
She can sit in the corner for hours with a book,
a glass of red wine and piece of bread.
From time to time she dunks the bread in the wine and eats a bit.
If there is no chair in the corner she sits on the floor.

Where will I take you?
Not next door, but next door but three.

Ich habe uns entschieden.

Thrupence bought a cheese roll from a machine in Writtle.

How to cook:
I'll put it in the microwave!
I'll put it in the bin and go to McDeaths!
I'll put it in the frying pan.
I'll put it in the deep-fat pan!
I'll put the salad in a bowl!

picture gallery

Ich schreibe Kurzgeschichten und sehr Kurzgeschichten;
meist komisch, manchmal traurig; nicht außergewöhnlich
aber nicht gewöhnlich; auf Englisch, manchmal auf Deutsch.

Where will I take you?
To the end of my dreams.

The underground railway ran underground.
The underground railway ran underground because it was ugly.
The underground railway had three stations.
The first station was only for politicians.
The underground railway never stopped at the second station.
The underground railway never stopped at the third station.

bit of wood

My name is Jim.
But have you a story to tell?
What do you mean?
What story to tell?

Ich war total total!

Oh, Dad! You can't run away from a hole in the sky.

He turned the knife and saw the signs of another life.

Wie ich das immer sage,
in meiner gebrochenen Sprache –
warum tue ich das?



Man sollte die Nachbarn erst im April erschießen.

Boil root vegetables with cold water,
other vegetables in water that is already boiling.

Brush your teeth with the other hand from time to time,
even if you use an electric toothbrush.

Gibt es etwas zu essen, das bissbar ist?


I wanted to put a daisy chain around your neck.

important for life

I've got a 7 KW electric heater at home.

sad but glad

Es lag überall Glückseligkeitspfützen.

picture of the author covered in cashew nuts

I saw pictures by Chagall and Kandinsky in a museum.
If they could paint like that, then I can write like I do.

gefunden  Deutch

Do you like roll mops for breakfast?

Your mother was a porpoise with three wings?

When you have only one eye you can't see double.

Arschwanderung ist toll!
butt-wandering is in!
See the world from the seat of your car,
without leaving the seat of your car.

how to baste  recipe

Ich gewinne nie.
Ich habe gelernt nicht zu spielen.
Sogar bei Tombola gewinne ich nichts,
auch keinen Kugelschreiber
mit dem Namen der Sparkasse drauf.

Don't kill me Thursdays!


maladroit is such a nice word.

bifurcated is such a nice word.

Sandwich is in Kent.

Politicians say man should go to Mars.
I say politicians should go to Mars; and stay there.

The role of the mobile telephone in the Norman Conquest.

tinkel, tankel, tonkel ich hab' einen Onkel tinkelt, tankelt, tonkelt er hat meine Tant' gebonkelt

Stuff you!


coffee togo

Perhaps he meant it.


good read

I sit here.
I have ideas.
But no stories come.
I have ideas.
But no stories come.

bras made holy by screwing the dog buckets

Glück ist, wenn man viele Beine hat.

Apparently cockaleekie is not Hebrew for a deep-fried Mars bar.

He gathers nuts in May. He is a nutter.

Derr juaj është në Londër.

Wiederholungen noch mal!

Summer time – and the repeats are so easy!

potatoes and peas  recipe


Guck einem Gauleiter nie ins Hinterloch!

Big Tone's dream

I want shepherds pie with real shepherd in it.

hubcap philosophy of life

Cheddar  Deutch

Dear John letter

toddler's tale

eine Million = 1.000.000 eine Milliarde = eine Billion =   aber siehe Zahlennamen  
one million = 1,000,000 one billion = 1,000,000,000 one trillion = 1,000,000,000,000     but see names of large numbers  

traffic jam  recipe

I just want to have a bit of fun.

Sie hat eine Stimme wie eine Kreissäge.


The power is like tea and biscuits.

Auch wenn man zum neunten Mal
die Treppe runter gefallen ist,
lernt man was.


First the salt and then the vinegar.

Es ist unbedingt erforderlich das Salz vor dem Essig auf den Fritten zu schütten.

Big Tone's omelette  recipe

Wer ist Clarendella?

There is no need to drop cupcakes into the river from the bridge.
They don't burst into flames.

Timothy Whites

Life is a plastic moulding.

Wir sitzen auf einer Mauer.
Wir sind sechzehn.
Wir sind sechsundsechzig.
Wir sind glücklich.
Wir sind wer?
Sind wir wer?
Sind wir wer?
Sind wir glücklich?
Sind wir glücklich?
Wir sitzen auf einer Mauer.






good bye!

Chilli con Carne
is a spicy stew made from chilli peppers,
minced/chopped/ground meat, garlic, onions,
and cumin. TIP: use chunks of meat instead.

Time went on but what did I care.

Daimler does not make Daimler cars.
Rover does not make Land Rovers.
My Mother drove an Astra years before millions of Germans did.
The Japanese drive on the left.
The English drive on the left when tourists are in the area.

If it were said that I wrote children's stories for adults I would not be unhappy.

how not to PC 4

Inn thheeemmorring saad meebkfast.

Let me address this envelope with a speech.

Don't eat your friends – it shortens their lives.

When I came home she hid her brain in a bucket under the sink.

Did Robin Hood have a sister named Kooka?

Gustav  Deutch


Take the rings off your fingers before you artificially inseminate a horse.

chocolate on the edge of the void

I have been married so long,
my wife is a terrorist.

You think that I know women.
How can that be?
I am only a man named b.

Green Tomato Chutney  recipe

California is on Nine Mile Ride.

This piece of hair is always hanging down in my face.
I want to cut it off.
Grab a knife!
Oh yeah!
Cut it off!

the ½%
Why do the ½% always win?
Why can't you predict what they do?
Why do the ½% ignore you?
They don't find you boring,
no, they can't even see you.
They are always there, but

Am Ende von Steigerts
ist die Hutzelstraße.
Du läufst eineinhalb Kilometer
bis zur Kuralpe,
da ist der Kreuzhof.




The Sophites, also known as the Band of the Glorious,
lived in Zomaryland which lies between Canada and USA.


In the morning she made me breakfast.
I want to keep you in my apartment for the rest of my life.
Oh! And never let me out?
No! You are the best thing that has happened to me since Father Xmas.

Ich habe gestern entschieden, dass das Beste,
dass man mit Spargel machen kann, ist,
ihn zu trainieren, und ich meine nur die weiße Sorte,
aus eine Mülltonne zu springen.

nurse stories

I dreamt of a black goitre.

cold sores  recipe

First the salt and then the vinegar!

Any chance of becoming a human being?
No, not really!

Ich habe gestern entschieden, dass das Beste,
dass man mit Spargel machen kann, ist,
ihn zu trainieren, und ich meine nur die weiße Sorte,
aus eine Mülltonne zu springen.

I am the god of hell fog!


Es ist heute Freitag.
Aber nur bis Mitternacht.

Have a bad day!

What is?
Küpsetatud oad tomatikastmes
Gebackene Bohnen in Tomatensoße
Witte bonen in tomatensaus

Heute ist Dienstag!
Aber nur bis Mitternacht.
Wenn nichts dazwischen kommt.



What if they are not big enough?
Put each one for five minutes completely
in your lover's mouth every day.

1 5 6.

She sat in a tank of red liquid.
There were sardines everywhere.


vegetable pulav  recipe

I think when I was very little I learned the alphabet in four rows:

            A  B  C  D  E  F  G
            H  I  J  K  L  M  N
            O  P  Q  R  S  T  U
               V  W  X  Y  Z

We are not crazy.
We are crazy.

The Book

She gets what she wants from her boyfriend.
She gets what she needs from me.

She wore a pea green dress.
I had a torch to sell.
Don't shake the ladle!

Es ist wie ein Fleck an der Wand;
du könntest so viel darüber streichen,
aber er kommt immer wieder durch.
Es tut weh!

Any chance of you becoming a human being?
No, not really!

She is puzzled up.

Mum's recipes  recipe

Durch Ignoranz ist jeder arrogant!

I know what I know;
I don't love you.

A kick in the head
is better than
a pointed stick in the eye.

all durch   statt   al dente


Feinschmecker-Pfanne  recipe

I spell my name with XQZ in the middle
just to show what I am.

treacle stories

Kick the kettle and win a trip to the moon.

Einmal im Leben möchte ich
einen tief-frittierten Marsriegel fressen.

Write with chocolate!

what is this?

Go and varnish the roof!

Go and vanish the roof!

On long journeys allow for the curvature of the earth
otherwise everything gets thin.

aloo muttar  recipe

If you remember that
a meter is a bit less than a mile
you can go far wrong.

bis morgen  Deutch

There is only one game that I play
and I have done it since I was born.

Tie a ribbon round your organ!

big me

bird table?
Use an old large plastic chopping board from the kitchen.
Easy-to-clean after the birds have shat on it
and doesn't hurt your head when gardening.

going to be

Sing it!

I wash my fish balls in the morning.


Du hast Fledermäuse im Glockenturm!

good read

Du bist nicht mein Weib!
Du bist Du!

Hoping is not bad, we all do it,
but sometimes hope needs a little help.

Go and clean your toothie-pegs!

1 level teaspoon salt and
8 level teaspoons sugar in
1 litre of clean drinking water

There are people in this part of the world
who will take a carrot and break it in half
and say that they have achieved something.

carpet store

Now is the time for the ladies to retire to the drawing room
and the gentlemen to the library to smoke cigars.


I got a right chinderling from her.

the hubcap philosophy of life

Stand on your tooties!

Tattie-howking is hard work.

He talked like a thesaurus, lots of words but no meaning.

Po  Deutch

If you want to look intellectual, wear black.

Carrot Cake  recipe

I used to be a drunken sot,
until I discovered alcohol.

Calm down my beauty!
My little wonder child!

Guck mal, ich bin gaga!

If you gut chickens all day
you will have nice hands.

nicht sehen  Deutch

You smell of electric fencing.

curate stories

Are you piddling in the corner again?
Oh, yes! Alzheimer you gotta practise.

The role of the mobile telephone in the French Revolution.

I'm going to lie on the floor and scream.


Normale Leute sind hier unerwünscht.

I get those postnatal depressions
every time a politician is born.

an empty champagne bottle on the railway line

soap and candles

Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch, and Jail Bait

I walked round the house with a doily on my head.

harem stories

Was macht man mit einem Weihnachtsmann aus Schokolade,
wenn man unglücklich ist?

I've tried that already! Twice!
And I did not like it!
And if you try that on me
I will throw you to the ground and
stand on the side of your head
until your skull cracks.

Oh, you are a violent so and so!

Schönheitschirurg warb mit Diesel aus menschlichem Fett.


Sternstunden der Ausgräber

Can lawyers and politicians be surgically removed?

geheim  Deutch

rusty buckets hanging in the tree

Es war gemeint,
gemein zu sein.

I make love to her when she is asleep.
She is not frightened of sex,
but she prefers it that way.
She has the most lovely dreams.

Auto Union, Borgward, DKW, Glas, Gutbrod,
Horch, Lloyd, Messerschmitt, NSU,
Tempo, Trabant, Wartburg, Zündapp


A to Z of Humour

Monstro City

BIRTHDAY CALENDAR – January to April
BIRTHDAY CALENDAR – September to December

Belgien  Flagge Belgiens

Wer bin ich?  Deutch

learning English

Klick auf den Kessel, um nach Hause zu gehen!


Ich kann nieder wieder zurück.

More of the same but who knows just some.

He said, Stuff you! Perhaps he meant it.


good read

Flagge Deutschlands Flagge

new offcuts