old jokes 5

An offcut from the Story Kettle

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Copyright © 2022, Michael M Wayman

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Millennium Dome in London:
Opinions are divided as to where the ultimate blame for the Dome's problems lie. According to feng shui expert Harrison Kyng, however, the project was doomed from the moment planners first chose to base it around its particular shape. "A dome is symbolic of an upturned rice bowl," he says, "which is a very inauspicious image because all the food drops out. "From a feng shui point of view, it is one of the biggest architectural mistakes ever made."

If you take a million monkeys and a million pianos and a million years
you will have a lot of dead monkeys and a lot of useless pianos.

Old fishermen don't die - they just smell that way.

Pedestrians do it standing up!

As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
I wish to God he'd go away

English man's lament:
Once we were a kingdom, and had a king
Then we were an empire, and had an emperor
Now we are a country, and have Maggie Thatcher

Be so kind and place your lowermost extremity into your uppermost orifice.

A man seeing his doctor:
My wife thinks I'm crazy.
Why? asks the doctor.
Because I like fried eggs.
Oh! That's OK. I like fried eggs too.
Great, come and visit me and see my collection.

I've got my sunburn to keep me warm.

Don't pick your nose!
Let me do it for you.

If you can't stand on your head
I will stand on it for you.

Who was that lady I saw you with last night?
That was no lady!
That was my wife!

Who was that woman I saw you with last night?
That was no women!
That was my wife!

Who was that man I saw you with last night?
Um sweetie!

I'm confused.
You're confused? What do you think I am?
A glass of water.

Have you moved your bowels today?
Where to?

How to lose 12 pounds of unsightly fat:
Cut your head off!

Book title:
"Baby's Revenge" by Nora Tittoff.

Book title:
"Haunted House" by Hugo First.

What is that big hole in your face just below your nose?

What is that great gaping hole in your face just below your nose?

Don't shoot until you see the whites of their thighs.

Can you play 'Faraway'?

It was Ben! It was Ben who killed Little Weed!

How much Lassie is in Lasagne?

Mae West:
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?

What do you do when you suddenly open your eyes and see that the hand in front of you has six fingers?

What do you do when you suddenly open your eyes and see that the three hands in front of you have six fingers?

What do you do when you suddenly open your eyes and see that your best friend has surgically removed your stomach?

Glasses and bottles are specially designed
so that you don't swallow them by mistake.

Sign in pub:
If you need glasses
go to an optician.

If I were a rich man
I would become an alcoholic.

If I had a hammer
I'd nail you to the bed.

Farmer: I put manure on my rhubarb.
I: Funny, I put custard on mine.

Don't reuse toilet paper!

Avoid staying in bed - most people die in bed.

If you can't stand on your head, I will stand on it for you.

Mah ol'man's a dustman,
Eee wears ah dustman's 'at
Eee wears cor blimey trousers
And eee lives in ah council flat.

Feed your children garlic!
And then you will be able to find them in the dark.

The Irish SAS stormed the zoo,
killed the gorillas,
and freed the ostriches.

Try not to think about the zoo in your intestines!

Did Marconi invent macaroni? Or did Macaroni invent marconi?

It's marked 710
What do I pour in there?

What is the best way to kill ants?
Hit your uncle's wife on the head with a hammer!

Do you fit into a pantechnicon?

How do you know when you have passed an elephant?
You can't put the lid down.

This urine sample is piss poor.

Serendipity is going down to the library to take out a book and taking out the librarian instead.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

"My country right or wrong" is like saying "My mother drunk or sober."

The Sunday School teacher was telling the story of Elijah and prophets of Baal. He explained that Elijah placed pieces of the sacrificial animal on wood piled on the altar. Then the prophet commanded the people to pour water over the sacrifice. "Why do you think he did that?" asked the teacher. A little girl raised her hand and replied: "To make gravy."

A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local.
"I'm not sure," replied the local, "but I think it's the one in the coffin."

A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe.
"Just lost a shoe ?" she asked.
He answered, "Nope, just found one."

I tripped over a hole that was sticking up out of the ground.

"Have you lived in this village all your life?"
"No, not yet."

"Who is the oldest inhabitant of this village?"
"We haven't got one; we had one, but he died three weeks ago."

If it says "one size fits all"
it doesn't fit anyone.

You know you're out of shape if you're lying on a beach and a group from Greenpeace tries to throw you back.

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

For the man who has everything... Penicillin.

If all men were brothers,
would you let one marry your sister?

It is important to keep an open mind,
but not so open that your brains fall out.

How do you give your client that nice warm feeling?
Piss on his trousers.

Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.
Everyone knows power tools aren't soluble in alcohol.

Old soldiers never die.
Young ones do.