old jokes 4

An offcut from the Story Kettle

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Which one is the ENI-key

Peroblerm: ERverery timer I hit ther ER-kery I gert ER and ER.
Solution: ERermover ther sticky cerap bertwerern ther ER and ER kerys.

It is not enough to be crazy – you've gotta show that you are English.

There was a naked girl lying face down on the bed.
Well, I've got to have somewhere to put the bike.

Every problem with a PC can be solved by turning it off.
And not turning it on again.

Our microwave oven is so small,
The department leader doesn't fit in at all.

Your vacuum cleaner sucks.

It's time I was off.
You've been off for years.

What is the best thing to take into the desert?
A thirst-aid kit.

As I throw another TV dinner over Paul McCartney.

Fiveplay doesn't work.

Chipping Sodbury is not near Ashby-de-la-Zouch

Where is Oslo in Czechoslovakia?

Aston juxta Mondrum is not a swear word.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I'm beginning to believe it.

Roses are red, violets are blue; I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
himself. It struck him dead: And serve him right!
It is the business of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan.

What's a polar bear?
A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

A dirty mind is a joy forever.

I'll punch the first person who calls me a pacifist.

Don't fall asleep on the motorway!
You might not ever wake up again.

How can you tell if a politician is lying?
His lips move.

Yeah! And the worst thing about waking up in the morning is
the thought that another politician will be born today.

I'd like to glue him to the back of a long distance bus.

Have I really four knobbly medial malleolus?
Or are they medial malleoli?
Yes, but two medial malleoli
and two lateral malleoli;
but all four of them are knobbly.

WARNING: removing excess limbs.

Why is 6 afraid of 7, because 7 8 9.

The right tool for the right job:
You can't screw a nail in with a knife.

You can't replace a light bulb with a hammer.
They screw in – here's a screwdriver.

We read with some surprise that Pope John XII lived in public adultery with the matrons of Rome; that the Lateran palace was turned into a school for prostitution, and that his rapes of virgins and widows had deterred the female pilgrims from visiting the tomb of St Peter, lest, in the devout act, they should be violated by his successor.

Don't eat yellow snow.

Life's a bitch, and then you die.

Don't lean out of the

Be a sweetie, if you tinkle, wipe the seatie.

Help, I'm held prisoner in a Xmas cracker factory.

What's the most important use for cowhide?
To hold the cow together.

Go forth and multiply!

If I say that you have a lovely body, will you hold it against me?

While you are reading this
small creatures are crawling up your legs.

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Be so kind and place your uppermost extremity into your lowermost orifice.

I'm sorry I'm late three.

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
Went to bed with their trousers on.

I'm a little teapot short and stout;
here is my handle; here is my spout.
When you tip me over, tea comes out.
So tip me over and pour me out.

If you can't confuse them confuse yourself!

Only a wise man can be wrong all of the time.

As a little boy I had difficulty doing up my shirt buttons.
So, I used to ask my Mother for help
and she said (engage deep voice):
You are old enough and ugly enough to do it yourself.

Please osculate me!

It is not enough to be English – you've gotta show that you are crazy.

Wenching is better than retching.

Don't reuse toilet paper!

Why did the scarecrow get an award?
Because he was out standing in his field!

What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work?

Why did the man fall down the well?
Because he didn't see that well!

What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday?
Aye Matey!

How many Boris Johnson fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. He'll just tell them he's changed it and then they'll all sit around in the dark applauding.