old jokes 3

An offcut from the Story Kettle

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Copyright © 2020, Michael M Wayman

A funny story is not a story, but a joke. See not funny and funny clothes

Even dwarves start small.

An elderly man complained of a pain in his right leg. "It's just old age," said the doctor. "Can't be that," said the patient, "the other leg is the same age, and that don't hurt."

A little girl finds her mother with her face covered with face cream and "beauty" preparations, and asks, "What is that for?" and is told: "That is to make Mummy beautiful." And she says: "Then why doesn't it?"

A little girl remarked on the size of her mother's tummy. "Yes, darling, you see Daddy has given me a little baby." After a pause to digest the information the girl rushed to her father. "Daddy," she cried, "did you give Mummy a little baby?" "Well . . . er . . . yes I did," said father. "Oh well," said the daughter resignedly, "she's eaten it!"

I have had only tee martoonis; I'm not so drunk as thinkle peop I am but I fool so feelish and the drunker I sit the longer I get.

An elderly man, harassed by the taunts of neighbourhood children, finally devises a scheme. He offered to pay each child a dollar if they would all return Tuesday and yell their insults again. They did so eagerly and received the money, but he told them he could only pay 25 cents on Wednesday. When they returned, insulted him again and collected their quarters, he informed them that Thursday's rate would be just a penny. "Forget it," they said – and never taunted him again.

I have blue tits in my garden.

The main cause of death is being born.

Most people die in bed.

If you can't stand on your head, I will stand on it for you.

Avoid staying in bed – most people die there.

An American is an expert in XYZ when he can spell XYZ.
An American is a super expert in XYZ when he can spell XYZ correctly.

How to keep an Irishman amused for hours:
Give him a piece of paper on which is written "Please turn over" and on the other side "Please turn over".

How to keep a Belgian amused for hours:
Put him in a round room and tell him that there is a bag of french fries in the corner.

Which key cannot open a lock? A donkey.

What room cannot you enter? A mushroom.

You can always tell rat pie – the tails always hang out.

51% of Australians are named Sheila, the others Bruce.

Department of Practical Theology

Sign on a paper towel machine:
Computer Science Degrees – please take one!

For a picture quick and obscene.
Sit on the photo-copy machine.

One small atom bomb can spoil your whole day.

Even old men start young.

Shall I lead you up the garden path?
Or take you to the cleaners?

How do you know when you have passed an elephant?
You can't put the lid down.

Lady who has cast off clothing of all descriptions invites inspection.

Man in a pub. "Funny how my wife can spot blonde hairs, and miss garage doors."

Behind every successful man lies an ambitious wife – and an astonished mother-in-law.

The danger of political jokes is that they are sometimes elected.

The beautiful countess returned from the ball and rang for her footman. When he came into her bedroom, she said: "Edward, take off my shoes," and he did. Then she said: "Edward, take off my coat," and he did. Next she asked him to take off her dress and then said: "And now, Edward, take off all my remaining clothes." When he had done this, the countess said: "And now, Edward, if you are to remain in my service, you are never to wear my clothes again."

What's funny about a pair of legs? The bottom's at the top.

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers for thereby have some entertained angels unawares.

Tourist Brochure:
If this is the first visit to our hotel you are welcome to it.

Tourist Brochure:
You are not likely to forget quickly your experience with us.

Tourist Brochure:
If your wife needs something to do, she should apply to our suggestive head porter, but all of our staff are courteous, and to ladies too attentive.

Tourist Brochure:
We would very much like to have relations with you, and we will be most happy to dispose of all your clients.

Tourist Brochure:
Situated in the shadiest part of the town, you cannot fail to remark from the window the odours of the pine trees and our swimming pool.

Tourist Brochure:
If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone, ask for room service, and this will be enough for you to bring your food up.

Tourist Brochure:
On gala nights the chef throws his best dishes, and all water used in cooking has been passed by the manager personally.

Oliver Cromwell's definition of a good girl:
One who takes her clothes off only once a day.

What do you do when you suddenly open your eyes and see that your best friend has surgically removed your stomach?

Have you heard about the two glasses that got together and made a spectacle of themselves?

If I had a hammer
I'd nail you to the bed.

W.C. Fields:
How do you like children?
Well done!

W.C. Fields:
Don't swim in water,
fish .... in it.

W.C. Fields:
Better two maids of 21
as an old maid of 42.

W.C. Fields:
Who uncorked my lunch?

Rick O'Shea came back.

A psychiatrist, receiving a new patient, observed that she carried under her arm a live duck. However, being accustomed to idiosyncrasies he made no comment, and, asking her to be seated, enquired what he could do for her. "Oh, it's not I who need help, doctor," she replied, "it's my husband here, he thinks he's a duck."

More doctor jokes.

A man decides to spend a lazy week-end reading, goes to a bookshop and selects a book entitled "How to Hug". His disappointment can be imagined when he realises, when unwrapping it at home, that it was Volume VI of the Encyclopædia Britannica.

How do elephants make love under water?
They first remove their trunks.

What's black and white, and steams out of Cowes?
The Isle of Wight ferry.

Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But words will never hurt me.

What was the largest island before Australia was discovered?

Why have elephants big ears?
Cus Noddy won't pay the ransom.

Lawyers and judges have something in common with chimpanzees.
The higher they climb, the more they display their less attractive features.