eurant

You have problems. You have problems with the EU. You are unhappy. I can help you. Just follow these simple steps.

first step – Go to the window and open it wide. Shout to the waiting world at the top of your voice.

“It's my democratic right to hold a referendum on the EU and leave the EU.”

Repeat as necessary, then close the window. This gets rid of all that tiring democracy stuff. Easy wasn't it? Let's do the next easy step.

second step – Make a heap on the floor of your constitutional rights and “FCO 30/1048” and such things, it won't take long. Place your heel on the heap, push your foot down and move it to and fro. Wasn't that good, all those pesky constituties are gone now.

third step – Sit at a table and write these magic words on a sheet of paper:

EFTA, the special connection, 51st state, pounds, shillings and pence, the empire, the commonwealth, we won the war

Feel free to add to the list. Fold the sheet of paper, place it in an envelope, carefully seal the envelope and eat it. Just too easy to get those silly words out of your head, but the next step is a bit harder.

fourth step – Grasp the edge of the table with both hands and read this sentence out loud.

“The masters of my country will never let the country leave the EU.”

Got it? No? Just reread it a few dozen times. Use a dictionary if you need to. Last step coming up.

last step – Discover for yourself how the EU has benefited Europe, your country and you. Discover what's good about the EU and what's bad about the EU, lots of work here. Discuss with your friends and people you know how to improve the EU, your country and yourself.
Whoops, a bit difficult for you? OK, try this, a bit easier. Go down the pub and moan at yer mates how the EU has fucked you over and fucked the country. You will probably enjoy that.

tip – How do you know if the EU has fucked you over and fucked the country? Dead simple, just answer this question. How many times has this happened today? You have been euroed on from a great height. You had to scream EUEUEUEUEUEUEU in the bathroom after having too many lagers at the pub. The canteen served stewed Euros at lunchtime.

WELL WASN'T THAT SIMPLE and aren't you feeling much better now. I bet you are.

last point – Stop ruining your country! People like me come over to look at the quaint places and things you have, there are still a few left. This brings money into the country, which is good because you are short of money. Remember?

how not to €uro 1 and €uro 3 and €uro 4

An offcut from the Story Kettle