aim for the sun
It is not nice to be smacked full force in the face by an unexpected, slimy cheese burger.
They should have been screaming, but they weren't. We were aiming for the centre of the sun at top speed, but they weren’t screaming.
This was the time to have a panic attack, to flip out, or acquire many bananas. But no, the worse that happened were cheese burgers in uncontrolled flight – it is not nice to be smacked full force in the face by an unexpected, slimy cheese burger.
We taught them, we tried very hard, we were successful in most cases, we taught them – all two hundred of them – to navigate themselves in zero‑G, to eat in zero‑G and avoid flying cheese burgers.
See outer space!
See the sun and the stars
and the planets in our ship Solar Queen.
We also taught them what to do in high‑G when we curved in a sling‑shot around a small rocky planet. This was the reason that we avoided the sun and how we built up enough speed to reach the outer planets, the gas‑giants. No, we didn’t land on any of the small rocky planets, though of course some of the passengers wanted to – some of the passengers still craved cheese burgers.
The passengers watched films – both entertainment and astronomy, and also astrology on D‑deck. There was a keep‑fit centre on E‑deck and restaurants and bars on E‑deck and B‑deck. There is also a huge portal on D‑deck to watch the sun, and the stars and the planets. Passengers can of course stay in their berths, there are video screens and food is served to them.
Everybody was happy, no panic attacks, no flipping out, everybody enjoyed the entertainment and the food and the zero‑G. The journey was uneventful after a few sling-shots, the ship followed the computed course, we were heading to the gas‑giants. We were leaving the sun behind, it got slowly darker, the problems started.
I’m the only member of staff who is not an android, the passengers do not know this, the androids care for the passengers, the passengers are happy, mostly.
I am Captain Thelma Thimblethwaite. I host the captain's table and look for trouble. Not much to do you think? The androids do all the work, course-plotting, food, repairs, first-aid – just a little trouble for me. Sometimes I find it, I see it, I hear it, I feel it. Sometimes an android or a passenger reports trouble. Keep alert!
Sometimes a couple of soothing words helps the troubled passenger, sometimes a day or three in a quiet berth on T‑deck, sometimes a hundred or so days till the end of the journey.
I hope that this will be my last trip, I’ve seen enough of the planets, I don’t like giant planets, they’re a bit creepy. I’ve got a plan to escape getting signed up for another tour of duty, but first two gas‑giant planets, one with big rings – plenty to see for days on end. The ship’s course takes us around both planets and a slow and gentle sling-shot to deliver us back home.
Problems? What are they? There are the impossible – the giant-planets fill the portal screen – no need to land on a giant. There are the birthday boys and of course the absolute loonies.
No, you can’t land and walk on the gas‑giant.
The ship is not built to land on anything, The ship has no landing ability; this makes the ship simpler. The ship is designed for deep space and was built and is maintained in space. It was built as a freighter and later converted to a cruise‑ship. We use the ship’s landing craft to take passengers down to small rocky planets and to take passengers and supplies up to the ship.
No, the ship is not going home for your birthday.
Despite having bought a ticket for a round trip in deep space, you insist that the ship return home just for your birthday. That would shorten the trip for all the passengers, that would make you very popular.
No, you can’t land on the gas‑giant, even with a landing craft.
You can’t land on gas. The giant is very large, the gravity on the giant is very large, anything that goes near the giant will be sucked in and reduced to the size of a button.
No, the ship is not going home for Xmas.
Despite having bought a ticket for a round trip in deep space, you insist that the ship return home for Xmas. Or you suggest that the “Jolly Jumbo” emergency tugboat come and rescue you just in time for Xmas. Do you know how expensive that would be? For you?
No, you can’t phone home for birthdays, for Xmas, for what ever.
It’s too expensive and there can be no conversation because of the hour-long transmission delay. However you can send as many Xmas cards or what ever cards you like. You can print the cards out – everything free of charge. Rather old-fashioned, but lovely cards, quite charming.
The loonies – the ship’s computers reject 99,99% of all brain-damaged, politicians, deluded, weirdos, insane, demented… But there is always one who gets through.
I check the list frequently, especially when we reach the giants. I talk to them, ever so discreetly. But not the loonies! I’m responsible for assigning problem passengers to T‑deck. Don’t ask! I’m responsible for everything on board the ship, see space law. But who is this guy William Birdsall? What’s he done? Who assigned to him T‑deck?
Who is this guy William Birdsall? The data looks good, he looks good, he looks shy peering out of his portrait image, he sounds good on audio. What’s wrong with him? Nothing? Why has he come alone on this trip?
Big thunk. I dress up like an android nurse and deliver his lunch. Is he pleased to see me? “Nobody has ever served me lunch before. I’m locked in here, you know. Lunch arrives in that drawer.” He points to it, he tries to open the room door, it doesn’t open. It doesn’t open for me, interesting.
Five hours later the door clicks open. What is going on? Why do I feel the urge to call him Johnnie? Why do I spend five hours with Johnnie on T‑deck every day? Why will Johnnie and me be on the first landing craft to leave when the ship is back home next year? We are going to disappear together.