Once upon a time in a far away distant land lived a very old and ugly witch called Voauw (What else?). She was so ugly that no one wanted to see her. So Voauw lived in the middle of nowhere, far away from anybody else, in the forest called nowhere.
She was so very old and so very ugly, she had warts and bunions, she was fat and overweight. And she would been demented if she had had a brain. Or Alzheimers if she could have spelt it. She was truly awful, but she was very good at magic.
Voauw lived in a little cottage, but she used magic to make the cottage appear like a very large and wonderful and beautiful palace. She made herself appear like a very large and wonderful and beautiful princess.
One day a very young and handsome prince rode past the cottage on his mighty silver-coloured steed. He dismounted from his motorbike to look at the very large and very wonderful and very beautiful palace. A very large and very wonderful and very beautiful princess came out of the very large and very wonderful and very beautiful palace to greet him.
She showed him the wonderful rooms and halls in the palace, he admired the fountains of flowing beer and wine. She showed him the wonderful paintings and tapestries in the palace, he drank the beer and the wine. She did what she liked with him...
“Oh, shut-up granny! What a silly name for a witch. Get yer things together, we're going down the pub.”
We met my granddaughter Florence and her boyfriend Larry in the pub and had a good time. Sometime later a woman with very bright dyed-red hair sat next to Johnnie and talked to him.
She was not the sort of woman I would normally talk to. Who was she? I mean, dyed hair, too loud a voice, a laugh like a horse, clothes from a charity shop, a real tart.
But Johnnie seemed to like her, he hung on her every word, he was enchanted, under a spell. I was glad when we went home.
But the next time we went to the pub she was there. She was so pleased to see him again, she put her hand on his knee and spoke into his ear. Very strange, just a couple of drinks and we were all very sozzled.
I must have closed my eyes for a minute. When I opened my eyes again she was holding him and kissing him. She still looked awful.
The years past by, Voauw was having a great time with the prince, she could do what she liked with him and she did. I can recommend a good qualification in magic, it is really useful, but do get your eyes tested regularly, especially when you get older.
Voauw was very old and very ugly and very overweight, but the prince liked that for some reason. Perhaps it was the fountains flowing with beer and wine. However she didn't wear glasses and sometimes read the wrong stuff out her books of spells and magic.
She knew that something was wrong, but not what, this made her worry a lot. She did not want to chant the wrong spell and turn herself into a frog for the rest of her life. Suddenly her hair turned green, just one of those things that happen often to witches.
She quickly read her book of spells and uttered the spell for red hair and WUMPH!!! She disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
I opened my eyes again and that awful woman was gone.
“Hey, granny! We're had enough. Let's go home for a cuddle.”