It is sad, very sad. The funeral was yesterday. They are both gone. They have left a big hole in me. There are two big holes in me. Betty told me. Betty grabbed hold of me this morning and shook me until my teeth banged together. She told me that I am an emotional cripple, that there is just a big empty hole in me where my thinking should take place. It's true of course. I am so grateful to Betty.
I told Betty that I'm immature, have no ideas or just silly ideas in my head, I'm just empty. Betty said that I had started to think and that was a good start and that she would help me to grow up. I asked her if I would go mad and die like Frau Alpert and Bob. She said no. Betty looks after me.
It is sad, very sad. I did not know how much I loved the two of them until they were gone. I just thought of them as sexual objects for my pleasure and providers of cash for all my clothes. How wrong I was, empty headed, and I've said that before. When I make love with Betty I think of Frau Alpert, Betty says she thinks of Bob. It makes me happy to think that I once knew the two of them; they were such kind people. Why did they have to go?
Yes, I've got a lot to learn. I don't know if I am man or woman; perhaps that's not important. Betty says that she is going to push me in at the deep end. I soon found out what that meant. I now work every day at a soup kitchen. It's at the worse end of town and the people are difficult, at least they are for me, even dangerous. They are poor, badly clothed, and a big challenge for me. But I'm doing my best. I am learning to be a human being.