She sat on me for some hours.

StoryKettle » Frau Alpert » evil

Copyright © 2008, Michael M Wayman

Everything in this house is very nice, everyone in this house is nice, except me. No, I'm not nasty – I'm evil.

I think evil things, evil thoughts – about Frau Alpert, especially about Frau Alpert. But I keep them to myself, I am so evil. What would I do with her if I got her my hands on her – something very nasty indeed.

It was a birthday party for someone, I forget who, we were all so merry, I had almost forgotten how evil I was. I told the lady who lives in the room next to mine one of the things that I wanted to do to Frau Alpert. That was a mistake, but instead of walking away or shouting at me, she told me that she would have to think about it – curious.

The next day she asked me if my plan was well thought out. “Is strawberry jam the right thing, or should it be raspberry jam or perhaps even nuttyshot, you know, that stuff made out of nuts and chocolate that the kids spread on their bread these days. Are you sure? Have you tried it out?”

I had not expected this, I had expected that she would ignore me or better still tell me how evil I was. Before I had time to answer, she pulled out a jar of raspberry jam and said that I could try it on her. “Yes, practise on me first, and get it right!”

I took a long time, I wanted to take a long time, she was so patient. But I had only licked half of it off, when she said that it wasn't right. She strode into the bathroom and took a shower.

The next day I bought a jar of apricot jam, but no, that wasn't right.

The next day I bought a jar of strawberry jam and a jar of nuttyshot.

No, strawberry jam wasn't right either, though I managed to lick three quarters of it off first.

I will be honest and say that I didn't like the idea of using the nuttyshot, but I didn't have a choice. It certainly looked good. Oh, the ideas I had about Frau Alpert! But it tasted awful, really yucky! I told her to wash it off and I would have to think again. She said “No! It's just right! It looks good!” She sat on my bed and that was it.

After two days everything was covered in this awful nuttyshot, me included. That was enough. I picked her up and carried her to the bathroom. She did not like this one bit – she hit me, several times and washed me under the shower.

“OK! You don't like nuttyshot. You will have to think of something different.”

I still think that strawberry jam was the best idea, but that was not possible. I had always wanted to tie Frau Alpert up and do nasty things to her. I tied up the lady from the next room with a big ball of string. She didn't like it, she untied herself, tied me up with the string and did nasty things to me.

Do you know what she did? Really nasty! She smeared nuttyshot on my cheeks and nose. There was nothing that I could do about it – she was really nasty, very nasty indeed.

“OK! You don't like nuttyshot. You will have to think of something different.”

She sat on me for some hours while I tried to think – nothing. She went to sleep on top of me, she was very heavy, but that was OK, even when she snored. After two days I realised that something was wrong. I wanted to do nasty things to Frau Alpert and somehow I wasn't doing that nor was I practising that.

She untied me and cleaned off the nuttyshot and she whispered an idea into my ear. We tried it out – it was good, very good, very good indeed. It wasn't very nasty, but I liked it and very important she liked it.

We practised this several times, then she had another idea. It was a bit more nasty, though probably to me rather than to her – lots of practice.

We are still practising and doing really nasty things to each other, but not yet evil enough. She says that one day I will be evil enough and I will be able to do nasty things to Frau Alpert.