It was early Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my birthday present, it is the best birthday present that I ever received. It is my office, my workshop, my room. It is fitted out with everything I need: a desk, a cupboard, a fold-down bed, mirrors, big wall charts of the human anatomy...
And best of all, a doctor's examination couch with electric height control – one button to make it go up and another to make it go down – just right for my palpitatory and oral examinations.
Of course I have performed practice examinations all week on my wife, Mrs Pearson; but today it is the real thing. Lettie brought Mrs Lewis into my room. “Hello Mrs Lewis, please remove your blouse and lie on the couch.”
“It's very good, Mrs Tinge. It really fits well, it's comfy, and I feel better in it. Thank you.”
I use my fingers to check, “Just as expected a good fit, it ought to be, it's rather expensive; but that's what you need or rather what your lovelies need. Good!”
“Mrs Lewis, what I want to do now, is to remove your bra, and demonstrate to you how good your lovelies really are. I want to start with a long palpitatory examination and then proceed to my other methods, which are also lengthy.”
“There is no charge for my examinations, however long they are. My other methods are best done in private, but not to worry, I will be very gentle.”
“Two or three hours later: “Oh, you are so good, I never knew what my lovelies were really for, you have showed me.”
“Yes, yes, of course, Mrs Lewis. Last week when I fitted you with your new bra in the High Street shop I knew that you needed more than the right bra to have the right fit, the right shape and be comfy. You had unfortunately the wrong idea about your lovelies, and perhaps a bad experience.”
“You said that your lovelies are too long and men hate them; perhaps one man told you that. I told you that your lovelies are pendulous, that they are not too long, that they are parallel-sided, that they are wonderful. Do you believe me now?”
“Mrs Lewis, I have a surprise for you.”
It wasn't a surprise for me, men can be very clumsy in word and deed, but you can teach them things. It was two years ago at the Evening at the Four Crosses Carnival Club, the TV cameras were gone, everyone drank a lot and talked a lot and danced a bit. I sat next to him.
I don't drink much, I'm permanently drunk from the love of my dear wife. Men usually take the chance to ask me about my job, particularly somethings pairwise. I try to educate them about lovelies, they tell me what sort they would like, I write it down in a secret notebook. Maybe they are embarrassed the next day – I keep my secrets.
“On this sheet of paper is his name, Trim Parnell, a photo of him, his phone number, his email address and a short bio from the Four Crosses yearbook. He is not married and about your age, he is a little shy like you, he is a POG, a Part Of the Goodness.”
“Are you a POG, Mrs Tinge?”
“Yes I am. You have already received an invitation to attend an examination to become a POG. I recommend that you do that.” I did not tell her that Mr Parnell had told me that he liked lovelies that are pendulous and that are parallel-sided. I did not tell her that I am Prince John the Hundred and Sixty-Ninth.
“Let me know how you get on with Mr Parnell.“