golden girls

Right Mr Creepy McCreepface, stand in the fountains and grasp a bottom.

StoryKettle » Amy » golden girls

Copyright © 2018, Michael M Wayman

Jimmie was installing a new bathroom on the other side of the village and Amy was waiting for a 3C bus to Bigtown. The bus was late and full. “The previous bus did not come.” Amy had to stand – sardine time.

The 3C bus went to all the little villages, more people got on, soon there was no room to turn – not much fun. Amy was going to college in Bigtown, a part-time sociology course, two lectures and a class. And today a meeting with her tutor to discuss her project “Stupidity in the Early Twenty-first Century”.

Ouch! Somebody pinched her bottom, not uncomfortably, no, very painfully. And no, she could not turn round. The pinching continued. Wait till I get off the bus, that creep is going to get it, thought Amy to herself.

The bus finally reached the bus station in Bigtown. One young man got off the bus, he was smirking. Amy stared at him heavily, Amy shouted at him. “Right Mr Creepy McCreepface, run to the town square, stand in the fountains and grasp one of the nymphs' bottoms, two if you like. And do that until midnight. GO!”

Off he went. Two minutes later Amy laughed: he was wet through and was holding the bottom of Charity. Faith and Hope were not for him. Amy walked on to the college.


After the lunch break Amy had a full hour with her tutor to discuss her project. “Yes, it's about stupidity. I have made a collection of stupidities and of reactions to these stupidities. I intend to document them and the following actions if any. However more important, at least to me, is the reaction to the stupidities by members of the public, those in authority, or anyone.”

“As a project it's a bit open-ended...”

“Let me show you some video clips. The first stupidity is the sudden and un­announced building of grass-covered hills blocking major road junctions in Big City. And there was a much bigger hill complete with sheep in Parliament Square. Nobody in authority would admit to creating the hills; who had done it? Let's look at the reactions.”

“What the eff is that?” “Yer can't drive through that.” “It's really good. No traffic means less noise and the air is better.” “I'm a taxi driver, I'm losing money.” “Speaking as a farmer, those sheep are worth a few hundred to me.” “Govern­ment Spokes­person: the situation is deplorable, the capital city of this great and glorious country is blockaded. We will ask the army to blow up the hills.” “Army Spokes­person: Explosives are not a good idea in the middle of a city.” “City Council Spokes­person: we will smash the hills to pieces with pneu­matic drills.” However they had no money to do that.

“And what has happened since?”

“Two of the hills on the most important junctions have been at great expense removed. Otherwise just arguing. And the second stupidity is from today.”

“The guy in the fountains in the town square is very wet, he is holding onto the bottom of one of the golden statues, he is a creep, he looks stupid, he is stupid, it gets worse.”

“Here is a clip of the Bigtown Fire Brigade peeling his hand off, maybe it was stuck on with super glue. They carry him to a bench, wrap gold foil around him to keep him warm and give him a hot drink. However as soon as they have gone the idiot jumps back into the fountains and places his hand on another bottom.”

“Creep? Yes, watch several young women being interviewed. They all say that the young man had pinched them, usually on crowded buses. The were happy to see him being stupid in the town square. Just like the stocks in days of old.”

“The TV team interviewed people all day – the creep stayed all day in the fountains. Here's the mayor of Bigtown, there's another stupidity in the town hall, I must talk to him.”

“I looked out the window from my town hall office and saw this idiot getting cold and wet in the fountains. What could I do? I could get the fountains turned off or so I thought. I went to the maintenance department and asked them. Oh yes, fill out these forms and perhaps after several meetings, perhaps six months, it may be possible.”

“I went down to the cellar, found a switch labelled ‘The Golden Girls’ and pressed it. At least the idiot is not getting any wetter now.”


Amy walked back to the bus station, she was happy, her tutor had given her the go-ahead for her project. She reached the town square. “Hello, I'm Jim Simes from WesPro, your favourite TV station. This is Amy. What do you think about the young man in...”

“That's the creep who pinched my bottom in the bus this morning, several times and it did hurt. I'm glad to see him being laughed at. It's what I wanted.”

“He might lose his job, Amy.”

“Good so! I've been watching your interviews today, Jim, especially with young women. I'm not the only woman to suffer from this creep. Staying here till midnight is not enough, it's gotta be three whole days now...”

“Have you cast a spell on him, Amy?”

“You don't believe me, Jim. I'm going to stare heavily at you and your cameraman; and demand that you stand on one leg...”

Jim laughed, the cameraman pointed his camera downwards, and Jim screamed “Must I hop about for three days?”

“Nah Jim, just five minutes.”