And where are their tails?

StoryKettle » Amy » baloney

Copyright © 2017, Michael M Wayman

Jimmie was still asleep, Amy was wrapped around the policewoman. Amy was worried about the policewomen, she had not been happy for weeks.

“As you know I've been transferred to a desk job, it's OK, I like it. No, the problem is the people...”

“Are you being mobbed?”

“...and the building is awful. It looks wonderful, the new police headquarters, or the Police Præsidium as it is officially named. But inside it is dirty, crowded, dark and damp. There's only one floor and no windows...”

“But it's only been in use for four months – I smell baloney. I think we should pay the Præsidium a visit before we go shopping this morning.”

After breakfast the three of them took the bus to Bigtown and got off on the edge of town to investigate the Præsidium. Amy pulled her balonometer out and explained what it could. “The needle swings to the right if it detects baloney and it can reduce the effect of the baloney for up to three metres.”

“What's baloney?” asked Jimmie.

“Pig sausage from Bologna.”

They walked to the visitors' entrance of the magnificent and imposing Police Præsidium Building. The balonometer indicated full baloney. The entrance changed into a dirty, concrete loading ramp.

“In we go.” Inside it was dirty, crowded, dark and damp. Amy led holding the balonometer in front of her. “And there it is.” Amy stopped.

“Er, yes, but what is it?” asked Jimmie.

“It's a baloney generator, of course. But how do we immobilise it? It's got a high-voltage electric fence around it.”

Jimmie pulled the machine's plug out of a wall socket and threw it at the electric fence – a cloud of sparks. The thick Executive New-Truth Generator User Maintenance Handbook that was sitting on top of the baloney generator caught fire.

The magnificent and imposing Police Præsidium Building turned into an old, derelict factory building which was rapidly filling with dense, black smoke. Everybody ran to the loading ramp, including some senior police officers that looked like swivel-eyed lizards.

Jimmie, Amy and the policewoman went shopping in Bigtown.

“Early this afternoon we received strange reports from the new Police Præsidium here in Bigtown. We're showing an archive, still picture of it on your screens now. Apparently the brand-new building has disappeared and been replaced by an old, derelict factory building. This is hard to believe. It gets worse. We sent our reporter, Jim Simes, to the scene.”

“When we arrived dense, black smoke was billowing from the old, derelict factory building that you can see on your screens now. There is no sign of the new Police Præsidium, none at all. It is gone and an old and empty factory stands in its place. I can't believe it.”

“Local residents have told us it's the same old factory that was there before the new Police Præsidium. They have also told us that some of the police officers are swivel-eyed lizards. Here is a video we took ten minutes ago of some policemen looking like swivel-eyed lizards. I don't understand what is happening. It's not the first of...”

“Thanks Jim! Back in the studio we have an invited guest, Arthur Cronby, a zoologist from the Bigtown College. Hello and welcome, Arthur. You have seen the video. What do you think? Are they real lizards?”

“They look real enough, like chameleons, especially with the swivelling eyes. But there aren't any chameleons the same size as humans and that stand and walk on their hind legs and talk. And where are their tails? It must be a hoax, but why?”

“Thanks Arthur! We've just had a press release from the police. The police have moved back to their old headquarters, the old building is fortunately still standing. The police are investigating the theft of the new Police Præsidium and why some police officers appear to be swivel-eyed lizards.”

“Another press release, this time from the Association of Lizards in the Police Force. This Association which represents 95% of lizards in the Police Force regrets the bad press and the mobbing and bullying of lizards in the Police, although lizards have served bravely, correctly and with honour for decades. We have a problem with colour in the Force; this is racism; changing skin colour to suit the surroundings is not a reason to hate a fellow officer. We demand FULL RIGHTS FOR LIZARDS IN THE POLICE FORCE.”

“And now for the weather.”

Jimmie was buttering the scones, Amy was feeding a scone to the policewoman, it was tea-time at home in Riddlely. The policewoman said that she thought her job in the police would get better.